The simplified version is just that i hate myself. I hate myself completely with no room for positive. I’ve tried going to get help, but i end up shutting them out. I am a despicable human being. With no purpose in life. I’m not contributing anything to this planet, my family, or anyone else’s life. I can’t look in the mirror anymore. I have no friends because i don’t and wont trust anybody. I’ve never known love only rejection. I only seem to piss people off when I am around. It seems to me that everyones’ life that i have come in contact with would be much better off if i would cease to exist. I’m skinny and ugly and i can’t seem to eat enough to change my skinny and don’t have the money to change my ugly. I have no skills in anything and only seem to be able to laze. I am a horrible human being and the world would be better off if i stopped consuming its resources. Every time i sit with the bottle in my hand or think how easy it would be with a gun, i freeze. I am a coward who can’t take his own life. I’m tired of living with this pain. This hate isn’t going away. I fucking hate myself and all i can do is put a smile on my face and wave at every body like nothing is wrong anymore. I hate myself. Privately. I want this to end.
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Dear Friend: Most of us going through a bad depression hate ourselves and focus on everything that is wrong with us. We think everyone hates us. We think we are ugly. We feel lazy because the depression exhausts us.
You’re having classic depression symptoms, caused by a chemical brain imbalance. Your brain is feeding you information that may not be true.
You actually do have talents — you write clearly and eloquently, and your spellling and grammar are excellent. Those are not common skills. Why destroy them?
You are not being a “coward” to stay alive — it is a strong, healthy, loving and wise part of your personality that is trying to keep you alive. Listen to that inner voice.
If you don’t have a therapist and some medication, consider getting a counselor or therapist and trying some medication. Keep trying medications until one works.
It takes great courage to stay alive. You sound young. Consider that you may have a good life waiting for you as you come out of this depression. If you are skinny now, you may gain weight in the future. Many ‘ugly’ teens have become very nicelooking in their twenties. I was one of them, and you could be too.
Remember the proverb, “what does not kill you, makes you stronger.” You will acquire psychological strength by surviving this illness, and continuing your life.
Cordially,
Struggling to Survive (been there)