all i can think about lately is ending my life. these thoughts went away for awhile. i used to have them all the time when i was little, probably about 7 or 8. i don’t know why i’ve never been able to have happiness. the clues are that my mom worked all the time and i never knew my dad. i didn’t have friends or family growing up. i was very much a loner. i was raped when i was in high school and again, a few years ago. it’s my own fault both times–drinking and being around people who don’t care about you at all.Â
last year, i stopped talking to everyone i know. i stopped going to school (fine arts major). i started eating a lot and sleeping a lot. that changed me dramatically. now that i am heavy and equally depressed and have no friends and my body has severely changed in ways that i think are probably irreversible, i’ve pretty much made it so that it will be impossible to ever be physically attractive to anyone, ever.Â
if i can’t be with anyone, if i have no motivation to draw or write or really care about things, then i don’t really see how much longer i should really live. i don’t know if i believe in heaven or hell. the only thing stopping me from killing myself is that it probably drive my mother insane, well…more insane than she already is.
i start to cry when i think of never breathing again, that i would just be a pile of bones in the dirt or not even, because incineration is probably my fate, since my family has no money but what i make. i also really would miss music and the beach, and my mother. never seeing them again, never talking to them again, never knowing what could have changed if i would have stayed alive. still, i think over two decades of a crappy life and horrible luck just tell me that it won’t get any better.Â
i guess i have to ask…are those things that i would miss worth giving up forever? am i in so much loneliness that i don’t know the difference between that and true pain? what if i die and go to a worse place than this life, which i at least might have some control over…
i’ve never thought so hard about one thing for so long but i guess ending your life requires a lot of contemplation. i’ve had many years and days to think it over. i’m beginning to see that i was destined to kill myself.Â
perhaps the best thing to do now is save money to give to my mother.