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my life is one big dark room.

by thepainter

all i can think about lately is ending my life. these thoughts went away for awhile. i used to have them all the time when i was little, probably about 7 or 8. i don’t know why i’ve never been able to have happiness. the clues are that my mom worked all the time and i never knew my dad. i didn’t have friends or family growing up. i was very much a loner. i was raped when i was in high school and again, a few years ago. it’s my own fault both times–drinking and being around people who don’t care about you at all. 

last year, i stopped talking to everyone i know. i stopped going to school (fine arts major). i started eating a lot and sleeping a lot. that changed me dramatically. now that i am heavy and equally depressed and have no friends and my body has severely changed in ways that i think are probably irreversible, i’ve pretty much made it so that it will be impossible to ever be physically attractive to anyone, ever. 

if i can’t be with anyone, if i have no motivation to draw or write or really care about things, then i don’t really see how much longer i should really live. i don’t know if i believe in heaven or hell. the only thing stopping me from killing myself is that it probably drive my mother insane, well…more insane than she already is.

i start to cry when i think of never breathing again, that i would just be a pile of bones in the dirt or not even, because incineration is probably my fate, since my family has no money but what i make. i also really would miss music and the beach, and my mother. never seeing them again, never talking to them again, never knowing what could have changed if i would have stayed alive. still, i think over two decades of a crappy life and horrible luck just tell me that it won’t get any better. 

i guess i have to ask…are those things that i would miss worth giving up forever? am i in so much loneliness that i don’t know the difference between that and true pain? what if i die and go to a worse place than this life, which i at least might have some control over…

i’ve never thought so hard about one thing for so long but i guess ending your life requires a lot of contemplation. i’ve had many years and days to think it over. i’m beginning to see that i was destined to kill myself. 

perhaps the best thing to do now is save money to give to my mother.

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6 comments

Saeide 7/30/2009 - 4:29 am

Hmm…destined to kill yourself huh? I like this simple quote: “Nothing is written.” It’s from Laurence of Arabia, and really it’s true you know. Nothing is certain, we don’t have any destiny other than what we make for ourselves. I did commit suicide, I survived through luck, biology, or perhaps even spirituality. I’ll probably never know the real answer. I do know one thing, dying now will ensure that it never gets any better, and you’ll never know if it could get better. We all die eventually, so why hasten the process. Pain and hardship are a part of who you are, everyone has something that hurts more than anything they can imagine. I’ve found that embracing that pain, making it a part of who you are, can help you come to grips with it and bring about positive change. I won’t say things will get easier, but I will say this, my best friend was raped and beaten by her own father and lived with a family that was steadily going crazy around her. She thought of killing herself to end it all, but in the end decided to take the pain and agony of it all and turn that into her strength and drive. She now lives on her own, is working hard, and goes to school. Things can turn around, time is the only matter at hand. Just think of this, is the agony you’ll cause those who care about you, no matter how many, or few of them there are, worth your relief? That’s what keeps me going anymore, knowing that if I go, everyone who I call friend and family will be left with a leaden weight and guilt over my death. If nothing else, until you find something that you truly wish to live for, just think of those you love and ask if you want to cause them pain, and if the answer is no, then turn that answer into the power that keeps you going until you can make the changes and bring about a brighter day.

Aleshya 7/30/2009 - 5:04 am

Your mother is not going to outlive you unless something befalls you are you do the deed yourself. There are things in life you love. Hang on to them. Use them to help you stand back up. It is possible to go back to the way you were phisically, and you have severe depression symptoms…i’m sorry to say. There are places, medical places that will lift the fog from your life and help you get yourself together. Good luck. oh and no one is detined to commit suicide, they are just drivin into the powerful want of self destruction. and it is addicting, but you are a strong person, otherwise you wouldn’t have gotten this far. You can make it through.

Struggling To Survive 7/30/2009 - 9:16 pm

Dear Dark Room:

You are having natural responses to many severe life tests: no father, a mother who had little time for you, no extended family, two rapes — the stress has been cumulative and triggered a severe depression.

First, you can come back from this. Consider getting a therapist or counselor, and, if necessary, getting some anti-depressant medication — that will help you think more clearly and start recovering from this episode of depression.

Second, have you contacted any rape help lines on the internet? Your desire to gain weight so that no one will ever be attracted to you again is a response sometimes seen in people who have been raped.

If you contact a rape survivors support group in your geographic area or a message board for them online, you can get support in healing from rape.

Please don’t blame yourself for the rapes. While it is always wise to avoid dangerous circumstances, when one is young, one’s internal “alarm” is not fully mature yet, and does not always alert one to a dangerous situation.

As we grow a bit older, we get a better sense of which situations and people are risky.

If someone rapes or harms you, they are criminals. They know it’s wrong. They know that they shouldn’t be doing it. It is not your fault.

Third, you can come back from the weight gain and social isolation. Many depressed people do, and go on to live happier lives.

Consider calling a counselor or therapist and making an appointment today.

Also consider visiting:

http://www.lifeline-gallery.org/

It contains recorded podcasts from a lot of teens and twentysomethings who considered or attempted suicide, and why they ultimately decided to fight their problems and live.

Alyesha is absolutely correct that no one is destined to commit suicide. Suicides tend to run in families, because tendencies to depression are sometimes genetic, but individual family members can say, “I’m going to go get treatment. I don’t have to die like some of my other family members did.”

Consider that as a fine arts major, you are likely a very sensitive and intelligent person. Many well-known artists and writers have had clinical depressions in much larger numbers than the rest of the population. The sensitivity that makes them good artists also makes them vulnerable to depressions.

But they have survived the depressions and lived to create excellent art, sometimes art about the depressions. Have you tried to draw or sculpt or write about your despair? It might help.

Here is a link to a book about the lives of artists who suffered from depressions and bipolar disorder and went on to create very good art. Why shouldn’t you be one of them?

http://www.amazon.com/Touched-Fire-Manic-Depressive-Artistic-Temperament/dp/068483183X/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1249002714&sr=1-3

Many blessings for a complete healing.

Cordially,
Struggling to Survive (been there)

A father 10/2/2009 - 10:15 pm

I want to die, fade away. There was this time once when I was young. I was on a youth group camp out, about 10, swimming and I almost drowned. I should have let go at that time. Sometimes I feel like something grabbed a hold of me, held on to me my whole life, and is still waiting for me at the bottom of that lake. I want to go there. But I can’t. I have children to help provide for. I have a wife who would hurt and miss me. I have a mother who would wonder what she did wrong. I have too many responsibilities. What is pain and suffering anyway but God laughing at us all.

– A father, son, and husband.

thepainter 7/16/2011 - 11:03 am

Still alive.

Umbra_Artist 7/16/2011 - 2:02 pm

@thepainter – I wish you good fortune. Just know that I accept every part of who you are. You are perfectly ‘flawed’. Take care.

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