I don’t know what to do anymore. I used to have all the world laying at my feet, and I could pick whatever direction I chose. My life held so much promise, and now it is decaying around me.
In the past two years I’ve been beaten by my parents, taken by CPS, thrown into the real world a month later, and killed myself working ever since. I was supposed to go to the Air Force Academy. I got a full ride to a state college instead, where I found out what I loved to do most. But now I’m sitting in this house, and all I can think about is how much I’ve failed, how many people I’ve hurt, and how I should end it all.
I used to be a straight A student. I used to have some friends, but never a lot, because for some reason I intimidate people. I haven’t had a friend call my phone in over a month.
My on and off boyfriend of a year and a half is a drug dealer, and makes me feel like the life is being drained out of me. He was so controlling at the beginning of our relationship– he used to follow me to class and make me sit in a seat where he could see me, and stand outside and watch me while class was going on. If I talked to anyone I had to repeat the conversation word for word, and if I didn’t, there was a big argument. I had to keep my eyes on the ground as he escorted me around campus. If I made the mistake of looking at a guy, there was hell to pay in how he bullied me into feeling worthless.
I left for a while, and he cleaned his act up. But he still isn’t going anywhere in life, and he’s dragging me down with him. I used to love him, and now I hate him, I hate my parents, and I hate everything around me. I can’t enjoy things like I used to. I feel altered. Mutated. I feel like there is so much evil in the world- humans are so destructive. We mutilate the earth, and inevitably, will destroy it also.
So what difference does it make if I die? There is no god, there is no salvation, there is no life after death. I don’t care about people- I’ve been so hurt by everyone, who only want to take something from me anyway.
I don’t feel love. I don’t feel hope. I feel despair and anguish. I walk into work and I feel like everyone knows. I feel like they roll their eyes and walk the other way, and I just stand there feeling awkward and embarrased for having problems when everyone else’s life is full of laughter and friends, eating out and going out, family, vacations, love, and money.
I’d leave this guy and walk all over the earth to find another life if I thought for a second it would help. But I am changed now, and I don’t have anywhere to go. People have given up on me one by one, and now I feel like I am giving up on myself.
Who cares if I die? I’m ruined.
Don’t you wish there was a ‘reset’ button you could push on your life? Where you could start over again and everything would be all neat and tidy and nothing ever went wrong?
I think that people who get too many ‘gifts’ – such as high intelligence and multiple talents – are often punished by the people around them for having it ‘too easy’. So the people in our lives put all these road blocks in our way to keep us from using our gifts. It’s like they want to level the playing field, give us a ‘handicap’, like in horse racing, to keep us from getting too far ahead.
The problem is that after a while you start to feel like it’s your fault that you’re so fucked up. You fail to notice how often people try to knock you down or trip you up or make you look like an ass just so they can feel better about themselves. You begin to think you’re bringing it on yourself.
And maybe there’s something to be said about that – it’s easy to be contemptuous toward people you see as inferior, who you don’t really respect. It’s hard to hide it if that’s how you really feel – people tend to sense the vibe underneath and get really pissed off. Or maybe just passive aggressive about it.
But I wouldn’t recommend false humility – that’s no solution, because most of us can’t keep it up. It’s too much of an act, it’s not who we really are. Any time we’re tired or stressed the mask falls off and our real feelings show through.
What I would say is that you have to dump these people who drag you down. It’s not your job to take care of them. It’s like that thing on airplanes where they tell mothers to ‘put your own oxygen mask on first’ before helping your baby, because otherwise you might *both* die.
I think that’s good advice in general in life. Because you can’t really help other people if *you’re* in really bad shape. And expecting people to help you when they’ve repeatedly shown that they won’t – well, what’s that definition of being crazy? “Doing the same thing over and over again while expecting different results,” or something like that.
I think you *can* hit the reset button, but it’s really hard. You have to be willing to ruthlessly, relentlessly walk away from everything and everyone that’s bad for you in your life. You have to ALWAYS put yourself first (unless you have kids, in which case, still refer to the oxygen mask anaology).
I know this is much harder to do than to say – I’ve been working on it myself for the last 10 years, and I’m 46. It’s taken me this long to really learn to ask for what *I* need, and to insist that if I don’t get it, I walk. Period. No second chances. If somebody wants back ‘in’ with me, then they have to do the hard work of earning my trust and respect back.
And if they’re not willing to do this work? Then they’re not people I want in my life. I want only people who actually have my back, who I can actually *count* on in times of trouble. Everybody else is just taking up precious time and life energy that I can’t afford to waste.
Oh, and PS? Everyone’s life is not full of laughter and friends. They’re just better at faking it than you are. It’s all, or mostly, an act. People will go through absolutely amazing contortions to put a good face on things, to look good, to impress other people, what have you. I sometimes think that every damn last thing any human being ever says or does is driven by the lust for status and power. I wish I were wrong. But I’m not sure that, if I’d been born into different circumstances, I might not be just like them, and take all my good luck for granted and never recognize that it’s all LUCK. Luck of the draw.
This is getting way too long, I know, but I also want to point out: In our culture we are expected to be able to achieve anything at all if we just set our minds to it – the whole “anybody can be President” dealio.
But the reality is, very few of us actually are born with the right set of: personality traits, physical features, mental and emotional propensities, and most of all, the circumstances necessary to propel us to this kind of power and ‘success’.
It’s like expecting a weed seed to grow into a might oak: Not all of us are meant to be oak trees. That’s just the way it is. Beating ourselves up for having grown up to be what we are rather than what other people expected us to be is – well – just stupid. Sorry, but it is. Stupid, that is. To beat oneself up for being yourself.
The thing is, unlike a tree or a flower, we *do* have the have the ability to change our circumstances, at least somewhat. So if we find that the people in our lives are stunting our growth, well, we have to get rid of them. If we can’t get them to treat us right, to treat us the way *we* need to be treated in order to be healthy and happy, then give ’em the ol’ heave-ho. Outta there.
I know it’s way easier to say than to do. Because we all need people, and it’s hard to change these habit patterns. But it *is* the right thing to do. Learn to trust your instincts. And protect yourself – take out a restraining order on the asshole if he won’t leave you alone. Get a vicious attack dog. Take martial arts. Do whatever you have to do. Because if you’re seriously contemplating death? What the hell else do you have to lose?
Dear My Story:
You’re in a tough space, but you are not ruined!
No matter how many mistakes you feel that you’ve made or how many errors in decisionmaking you’ve made — as long as you are alive, you can climb out of your current situations.
Do you have a therapist or counselor? Just talking confidentially to someone can really help with a depression. They might also be able to prescribe some medication that would help.
You might want to consider joining social groups that participate in activities that you like, so that you spend more time in positive activities.
You may want to “lose” the druggie boyfriend. Someone better will come along.
You have a lot of talent, or you wouldn’t have gotten into all those schools. That talent is still there, deep inside you, waiting for you to start using it again.
Could you take one course at a community college, to get your self-confidence back? And then gradually move back into being a full-time or part-time student.
Many young people think if they lose a few opportunities when they are young, then the rest of their life is ruined.
But life is long and full of second chances. I am nearly sixty, and survived years of depression and bad decisions to go on to a much richer, happier life. You can too.
Struggling To Survive (been there)
Thank you so much. I cried as I read both posts, you both have such good advice. I am about to begin my second year at WVU, and I’ve decided that it is time to make some changes.
This isn’t the end. Not for me.
I was born a fighter.
Thank you, thank you, thank you so much. From the depths of my heart.
Dear My Story:
I am very happy that you found the thoughts of pulling the plug and mysef to be useful.
You are very intelligent and talented, and your deepest talents are just waiting for you, deep inside.
You are at the beginning of a long and interesting life journey, in which your fighting spirit will prove very useful.
Many blessings for your happiness and prosperity.
Struggling to Survive (been there)
You’re welcome – I’m glad you’re going to fight 🙂 And also glad you’re going to make some changes.
Good luck in your second year. As my dad used to say, don’t let the bastards get you down!
pulling the plug