I don’t know what to do anymore. I used to have all the world laying at my feet, and I could pick whatever direction I chose. My life held so much promise, and now it is decaying around me.
In the past two years I’ve been beaten by my parents, taken by CPS, thrown into the real world a month later, and killed myself working ever since. I was supposed to go to the Air Force Academy. I got a full ride to a state college instead, where I found out what I loved to do most. But now I’m sitting in this house, and all I can think about is how much I’ve failed, how many people I’ve hurt, and how I should end it all.
I used to be a straight A student. I used to have some friends, but never a lot, because for some reason I intimidate people. I haven’t had a friend call my phone in over a month.
My on and off boyfriend of a year and a half is a drug dealer, and makes me feel like the life is being drained out of me. He was so controlling at the beginning of our relationship– he used to follow me to class and make me sit in a seat where he could see me, and stand outside and watch me while class was going on. If I talked to anyone I had to repeat the conversation word for word, and if I didn’t, there was a big argument. I had to keep my eyes on the ground as he escorted me around campus. If I made the mistake of looking at a guy, there was hell to pay in how he bullied me into feeling worthless.
I left for a while, and he cleaned his act up. But he still isn’t going anywhere in life, and he’s dragging me down with him. I used to love him, and now I hate him, I hate my parents, and I hate everything around me. I can’t enjoy things like I used to. I feel altered. Mutated. I feel like there is so much evil in the world- humans are so destructive. We mutilate the earth, and inevitably, will destroy it also.
So what difference does it make if I die? There is no god, there is no salvation, there is no life after death. I don’t care about people- I’ve been so hurt by everyone, who only want to take something from me anyway.
I don’t feel love. I don’t feel hope. I feel despair and anguish. I walk into work and I feel like everyone knows. I feel like they roll their eyes and walk the other way, and I just stand there feeling awkward and embarrased for having problems when everyone else’s life is full of laughter and friends, eating out and going out, family, vacations, love, and money.
I’d leave this guy and walk all over the earth to find another life if I thought for a second it would help. But I am changed now, and I don’t have anywhere to go. People have given up on me one by one, and now I feel like I am giving up on myself.
Who cares if I die? I’m ruined.