somebody to love.

You’re welcome cassidy. Sorry it took me a little while to spot your second post.

If your family actually uses language like you describe – fat, lazy, slut – you need to start setting some limits with them. I don’t know if you’re experiencing physical abuse as well, but verbal abuse is horribly destructive, and you need to learn how to start drawing boundaries with these people, if you can. I know it can be hard, especially if they just won’t listen or are used to shouting you down.

I can’t tell you what the best way to set limits with them is, you’ll have to decide that based on your situation. Or, you could write some more here and tell some stories and see if we have any ideas to help you. Just a thought. Sometimes just talking about it can give you strength and courage, which helps open up some ideas about how to deal with it.

I personally have used Google a lot to look up different things and give me ideas on how to handle my own family. One thing I found helpful is the idea of emotional ‘boundaries’. It’s a way of drawing a kind of line in the sand that says, this is me, and this is you. You are crossing my boundaries by being rude and disrespectful to me, and I will not put up with it.

Then you have to figure out some way to enforce your boundaries, some kind of consequence for the other person. This can be pretty tough with a parent – sometimes the only ‘consequence’ available is to shut them out. Which can feel like cutting off your own nose to spite your face – it can be very painful in its own way. And may also be difficult depending on how old you are and how much financial independence and freedom you have.

Is there anybody – an aunt or uncle, grandparent, anybody at all that you could stay with for a while to get a break from your family? It sounds like that might be helpful.

If you’d rather not have suggestions but just want to tell your story, I hope you’ll come back and write some more. Sometimes telling the story and knowing people are ‘listening’ can be very powerful.

And one more small bit of advice: Please stop knocking yourself down. I know it’s hard – it’s a battle I’ve been fighting myself my whole life, growing up with sarcastic, rude, insensitive family.

But it’s possible – you have to find some way to talk back to that part of yourself that cuts you down. Like, “don’t talk to my friend cassidy like that!” You can even say it out loud if there’s nobody around to think you’re crazy.

Or find some way that works for you – like every time you catch yourself saying negative words about yourself, say “Stop that!” or “Shut up, you mean obnoxious person!”

Because what you’ve really done is internalized (shrink lingo, sorry) the negative messages from your parents that make you feel bad about yourself. The first place to start with this stuff – setting boundaries – is to get them out of your _head_. Which means noticing when _you’re_ beating up on yourself.

Hope this wasn’t too long or lecture-y.

And hope you’re finding some ways to get your family to treat you right.