Subjective meaning of life

  July 10th, 2009 by thesmite

Ever since I was little, I always felt left out.  I always felt that way because any time I tried to be social and fit in I’d get burned.  I am 24 now and the depression is sinking in ever deeper day by day.  From when I screwed up my first true relationship with a girl whom I believe I was in love with and shared deep emotions with.  Ever since then my life has spiraled down.  I lost my job at the same time that I broke up with her, and I made things worse by constantly bugging her.  I went through drinking heavily alone, smoking pot (which never really helps because I have paranoia issues), I snorted coke for about 6 months then I stopped.  Shortly after that, I got a new job and was feeling a bit better.  Then, I decided to eat some schrooms which, I think, completely destroyed my sociability, then I went on eat more schrooms, some acid, and finally smoked some salvia.  Salvia is what triggered my desire to end my time on this planet.  When I smoked salvia for the first time, I felt like I died.  Everyone and everything I knew did not matter anymore at that moment.  When I came down, I missed that world so much that I continued to smoke salvia.  I love music, and love to write music although I don’t write catchy tunes.  The only part of my life that I am absolutely disgusted with is myself.  When I try to make a change and apply it to the real world, I fail.  From all the psychedelic experiences that I had, I’ve learned that I am in control of everything that I perceive about myself, so when I beat myself down for no good reason, I become even more aggravated and the cycle continues.  When I was very little, like 6yrs old, I loved to take things apart and put them back together.  So now it seems that I’ve taken my mind and soul apart I’ve been trying to reassemble it.  It is like shredding a piece of paper and putting it back together with really shitty glue.  I know my insignificant problems aren’t enough to justify suicide, plus I’d end up hurting my family.  I don’t have any close friends really, co-workers yes, but no one I hang out with and talk to.  I refuse to drown anyone in my shit so I choose not to talk about my problems to anyone.  When I write or play music on my guitar, I have this deep sense of hope that these issues will manifest themselves into a song.  They do, but they keep coming back.  People say life is about living it and giving back to others.  I do my best to do so, I have no room in my heart for hate towards another since it is consumed by self-hate.  I write to you all on this site because I know no one will have to read it if they do not want to.  When I think about suicide, I think about those who will miss me.  Then I think about how selfish that would be to them if I took my own life.  On the other hand, there’s a part of me that thinks that those who want me to stay and live are being selfish to my desire to end my time here.  I feel that the world is turning to shit nowadays and people are going to become even more dark and greedy and narcissistic as time goes by.  I am very disappointed in mankind, myself included.  That is why I do not want to keep enduring this life.  I am not worried too much about the pain of suicide, since I’ve learned that pain, physical or emotional, is all in my head.  I am increasingly become bored with life.  I want to die now but don’t have the balls to do it myself.

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