The Hours…

  July 18th, 2009 by susan5

I sort of don’t want to write here, because whenever I read other people’s posts, I realise that I have so little to really complain about.  But, at the same time, I just find it so hard to continue living my life.  Again, and I know lots of people write this, but I don’t really want or expect any kind of comments on this post, I just need to say these things, because I have no one else to say them to, and I’m tired of the same shit just cycling around my head all day and all night.  So here I go, getting it out.  I just don’t know if I can face another day of this meaningless garbage.  It’s seems like such a stupid reason to want to die, but I’m just so absolutely, agonisingly bored of my existence.  There is nothing, anymore, that gives me a thrill, a sense of anticipation, satisfaction, joy.  There is no one in my life that I feel strongly about.  I don’t have that innate sense of self-preservation, self-love that we’re supposed to be born with.  I don’t have any pain, any problems, I just don’t want to have to wake up tomorrow and sleepwalk my way through another pointless day, and another one after that.  It’s not a slump.  I’m not “depressed” in the clinical sense, well, maybe I am, but if I am, it’s an unrelenting condition.  I mean, I’m going to die anyway–obviously, so, why am I obliged to keep on living?  Why is it necessary for me to drag myself through this life that I didn’t want and I’m not interested in?   Medicate the shit out of me, if you want, I’m still going to end up in the same place. And now, you know, I’m not completely heartless and self-obsessed.  I know that there are a lot of people out there with real shit to deal with, and I wish, I’d love it, if I could help them see through to the sunny side of things.  But who am I to tell someone to hold on, things will get better? I was told that if you can’t say something nice, then don’t say anything at all–so here I sit, silent and alone, not wanting to drag anyone down with me, but not having anywhere in particular to go on my own.  So when is it okay to just say: I’ve had enough? And that’s all.  My existential cry into the dark.  I’ll go to bed now, and get up again tomorrow morning, but it’s hard.  It’s so fucking hard.  And my god, I have nothing but respect for those of you who drag yourselves through each day for whatever reasons you have–other people, responsibilities, hope.  So, all I can say, is good luck, and take care, and if I can’t make it through another day, I hope the world will understand, and not judge me too harshly.

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