The Hours…

The Hours;

It sounds to me like you’re suffering from a classic long-term depression. All of the joy and purpose leached out of life. Massive hopelessness, and a feeling that things will never get better.

But there are so many medications these days and so many differing types of counseling — I would urgently suggest that you ask for a change of medication and perhaps consider getting a different form of counseling.

You don’t have to drag yourself through things day after day — there is help out there that will work for you, even if you have to search some more. Be patient with the search.

Best wishes,
Struggling To Survive (who’s been there)

Dear The Hours & balletbook:

When you find the right medication and/or counseling, your life will have joy and color again. So don’t give up the search for the correct treatment!

I was happy to offer you some thoughts and hope that you will preserve your precious and valuable life.

Cordially,
Struggling To Survive (been there)

@susan5

After I read your post above I googled “ennui suicide” and I found the blog post that I am linking below.

http://george-everet.blogspot.com/2007/02/ennui-boredom-suicide-and-creativity.html

Ennui, boredom, suicide, and creativity
From “The Crack-Up” by F. Scott Fitzgerald
“Of course all life is a process of breaking down, but the blows that do the dramatic side of the work –the big sudden blows that come, or seem to come, from outside- the ones you remember and blame things on and, in moments of weakness, tell your friends about, don’t show their effect all at once. There is another sort of blow that comes from within –that you don’t feel until it’s too late to do anything about it, until you realize with finality that in some regard you will never be as good a man again. The first sort of breakage seems to happen quick –the second kind happens almost without your knowing it but it is realized suddenly indeed.”

Everyone struggles with personal demons. By that I mean the host of past experiences, failures, pains, regrets, and so on that one builds up over their lifetime. But I think creative people have more difficulty with these things because creatives understand the meaninglessness of rules. One of the attributes of creativity is knowing that rules, the ones we make as part of socialization, are arbitrary and often stifling. They’re a direct deterrent to creativity of any kind and it’s the job of creative people to work beyond those rules, or in the buzz phrase “think outside the box.” Creative people, whether they’re artists, inventors, or designers understand there is no box to think outside of. The box exists only for those who’ve been taught to believe there is a box, that there are “rules” to be followed and obeyed. They believe that things have to be a certain way and they’re unwilling to question that.

Creatively we are always questioning things around us. This is how art gets made, how new things are created, even new inventions; people question the reality they are presented with and try to change it. Sometimes though it can’t be changed because the universe runs on logic. A peculiar form of logic at times, but logic none the less. This logic means there are rules that cannot be avoided or broken or even bent a little like illness, death, pain, and suffering. After awhile it becomes more and more difficult to deal with that reality, that sense that some things are inevitable and ceaseless like illness. A sense of boredom, and a repugnance towards that boredom becomes one’s natural state. One understands that though things change and seem to improve, they don’t truly get better. They may be more comfortable, and in some respects less distressing. People don’t seem to suffer less than in the past, nor do they seem to be demonstrably happier than in the past. As we eliminate or nullify one form of suffering, another one takes its place. We eliminate typhoid and plague, then suffer more from cancer and heart disease. Reality remains a difficult and harrowing proposition to the extent that one becomes tired of going on with it.

I don’t mean that a person grows suicidal from this outlook, though that can happen, rather one simply is tired of the struggle to deal with what’s going on around them. As Fitzgerald says the big things one can work with, the smaller things, the everyday and its everydayness, turns to something intolerable. As one gets older the big things get fixed to one extent or another while the small things that dogged one earlier continue. Yet we have to tolerate it and continue to tolerate it as each moment passes because there is no alternative. Hopefully you don’t finally get so worn down by it that you give up trying to work against it because then you turn bitter and bitterness is all you have left for yourself and the world around you. When that happens nothing feels better, nothing seems to be what is once was. Any joy one has disappears and where something tasted good, now it tastes like ashes and disgust.

“All in the same month I became bitter about such things as the sound of the radio, the advertisements in the magazines, the screech of tracks, the dead silence of the country –contemptuous at human softness, immediately (if secretively) quarrelsome toward hardness- hating the night when I couldn’t sleep and hating the day because it went toward night. I slept on the heart side now because I knew that the sooner I could tire that out, even a little, the sooner would come that blessed hour of nightmare which, like a catharsis, would enable me to better meet the new day.”

In the face of this there are all sorts of homilies about perseverance, endurance, and keeping up hope. But little homilies don’t work, and perseverance is never truly rewarded. There are the finalities of death, decay, erosion, and entropy. Everything dies, everything ends, and everything in one way or another turns to sadness and loses all meaning. We know that it will happen, and we go around telling ourselves that it won’t happen to us or in our lifetime or in the near future or to anyone we know yet we also know this is a fiction we tell ourselves hoping it’s true. We worry about it while lying to ourselves that we don’t worry or don’t need to worry. We really don’ t need to worry; what comes to pass will come to pass.

One day the earth will come to an end though we don’ t know how and when that happens all the things we hold dear, even if they continue to exist, will mean nothing without us. This is because the meaning doesn’t lie in the things, but in us and when there is no one to be moved by a Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” or Muddy Waters “Nine Below Zero,” or any one of a million other things, everything we will have done or created or believed will be nothing. Our only remaining hope is that we somehow continue on and even this becomes suspicious when, in the midst of a low point in the daily struggle, you wonder if continuing on actually means it gets better even momentarily. What happens if you don’t continue on? What happens if you come to a halt and refuse to go on?

If there is a heaven or paradise is that the reward? Is it that there is no longer any boredom, no longer any entropy grinding things down? One of the rules of the universe is that nothing is created or destroyed merely transformed, that everything here has always been here in one form or another. Does that mean that boredom, ennui, pain, and suffering continue on in some other form? And if they do is it a better form, the opposite of their current form, or is it just another version of the same thing? Is boredom always boredom whether it’s here or somewhere else?

In “The Crack Up” Fitzgerald refers finally to “vitality” as the necessary natural force to overcome this and that one either has it or doesn’t. I don’t think this is true though; I don’t think it is a matter of not having something to overcome this state, I think it’s the ability to pretend that these things that wear one down don’t exist. It’s not possible to overcome them, only to, for a time, ignore their existence and pretend it has nothing to do with you.

Woody Allen said:
“It’s very hard to keep your spirits up. You’ve got to keep selling yourself a bill of goods, and some people are better at lying to themselves than others. If you face reality too much, it kills you.”

Why is it necessary to sell yourself a lie? Why must you ignore the terrible aspect of life in order to go on? And why does it seem to affect creative people more than everyone else? In articles about creativity it’s often said that there are perfectly “normal” creative people without metal problems, drug or alcohol problems, without lives out of control. I’ve never met them and I don’t know anyone who has. I suspect it’s a fiction, another patent lie that has to be told in a false attempt to give creative people hope that they can continue on. And so we go on, dragging ourselves forward to something in hopes that it may be better or that we may learn something that will help. In the end the only thing that really carries us forward is the idea that we have not yet created everything we can, that there is more for us to do, to make. And if we run out of things to create, well then we’re finally done.

George Eastman, the founder of Eastman Kodak company, inventor of roll film and the Brownie camera committed suicide on March 14, 1932. He was suffering from spinal stenosis, a very painful and crippling deterioration of the bone. Reportedly his suicide note said “My work is done. Why wait?”

Actually, your ‘shit’ is just as real as anybody else’s. We all have our own shit to deal with, and whether it’s Michael Jackson dealing with self-image problems that have him turning himself into a physical freak even though he was an amazingly talented human, or a homeless person addicted to crack cocaine, pain is pain, misery is misery, suffering is suffering. There’s no use comparing it. Your pain hurts you. It’s like when parents who grew up poor expect you to eat crap food for dinner, and they say, “Think of the starving kids in Africa” or some shit. Like knowing that some kid in Africa has only dirt and rocks to eat is going to make you more appreciative of the crummy food they’re feeding you. No – the problem is, if your parents are feeding you crummy food when you *know* perfectly well that they can afford to feed you decently, then you have this very realistic expectation of getting decent food. Having them feed you crap is a betrayal, a letdown, and it makes you (and would make most people) angry. And obviously that’s a fairly simplistic example…

The thing is, we’re promised the moon, especially if we’re American – you can be anything you want when you grow up! The American Dream! The Secret! The Power of Positive Thinking! How to Win Friends and Influence People!

We have this stuff blasted at us from all directions from the time we’re old enough to crawl, it’s no wonder we have high expectations. Every five minutes there’s a new product we simply *must* have to be cool, hip, keep up with the Joneses, whatever. A Blackberry, or Ipod, or Wii (I don’t own any of these things, so forgive me if I’m getting the names wrong.)

The thing is, they create this HUGE, overwhelming appetite in us for all the possibilities of who we could be and what we could own. They drown us with images of rich celebrities and movies that portray the most amazing fantasy, dream lives.

And then our *real* life is: What? Drudgery? Disappointment? No adventure, no Prince Charming, no new Porsche in the driveway. Or whatever your personal hopes and dreams are.

Sometimes we don’t even have anything specific in mind, it’s more like this constant pressure to jump higher, live faster, achieve more. It’s what some shrinks refer to as becoming a human ‘doing’ instead of a human being

Anyway. I hope all that makes it clear that there’s at least one person out here who hears you. I’ve been in the same place, I struggle with it almost every day. Good days are when I’ve found someone to connect with, someone who cares about the same things I do, values the same (or similar) values. Who ‘gets’ me on some level, even if only in one area of my life.

I know you aren’t looking for advice, you just needed to vent. But if I were to offer any kind of suggestion, I’d suggest that you focus on the people in your life. Spend as much time as you can with anybody you feel ‘gets’ you, at all, even a little bit. Nurture that connection. People who don’t get you? Avoid them like the plague. They’ll just bring you down. That’s my experience, anyway.

And helping other people is a good thing. Writing here has helped me feel less caught up in my own stuff, makes me feel like we’re all in this together, we all struggle, we all suffer. Every time we reach out to each other even in small ways, it makes us all stronger, or at least I like to think so.

Another comment, re-reading your post: It’s a fallacy that we’re born with self-love. That’s American hyper-individualist bullshit speaking.

We are, from the moment we are born, dependent on the connections we have with other humans. Without those connections, we shrivel up and die as surely as if we were without food or water.

Don’t let anybody tell you otherwise. “Self love” is a bullshit concept, in my opinion. We *feel* loved because somebody in our lives loves us and treats us well. Period. This idea that we somehow contain ‘everything we need’ is like saying you can give yourself a hug and it will be as effective as getting a hug from another person. WTF? That’s crazy shit.

My opinion? You don’t need drugs or shrinks or any of that – you need someone to love and be loved by, to hold you tight when you’re lonely, to care when you’re scared or struggling. Just like we all do. Every single human on this planet needs a place to belong, a sense of mattering, of making a difference.

If reaching out to others to help them helps you, I say, go for it. Do what you need to do. Don’t worry about the motives, just do it.

Ah – I know what you mean about feeling punched in the gut when you hear about someone else’s success when you’re struggling so hard. I get that feeling all the time.

You know what? That feeling is totally normal. It’s human. All humans feel it, which is why everybody’s constantly trying to outdo each other, constantly ‘keeping up with the Joneses’ – because nobody likes that feeling, of being left out, of not having what everybody else seems to have. I even saw a study that says it’s a pretty basic part of primate nature – you give two monkeys each a banana, then give one of them a second banana. The monkey with only one banana? Goes ballistic. Goes nuts with anger, jumps up and down and makes lots of noise, may even attack the other monkey.

So, not saying we should act like the monkeys, but cut yourself some slack when you get this feeling. It’s NORMAL.

The Germans even have a word for the opposite feeling of taking pleasure at someone else’s bad luck, it’s called ‘schadenfreude’. You know when someone you don’t like very much has something bad to them, you know you’re supposed to feel sympathetic, but secretly you feel happy? Like they got what they deserved? That’s schadenfreude.

I’ve done a similar thing to what you’re doing in terms of only hanging out with people who are having as much trouble as I am. I actually think it’s a really smart move – it lets you focus your energy on whatever it is you’re needing to do just now, rather than constantly feeling miserable and beating yourself up for being a ‘failure’, or not keeping up with what everyone else has, or is doing.

Another thought, there’s some idea out there that one can’t experience joy when one is busy blocking some kind of massive pain. It’s like they’re two sides of the same emotional coin. Which is why sometimes people on anti-depressants can become emotionally a bit ‘numb’, kind of flat and boring: Because it doesn’t just work on the sadness, it also cuts off the good stuff, too.

So. What is it you’re not facing? No pressure here to face it til you’re ready, but I’m betting there’s something painful that you really, really don’t want to look at.

For me it wasn’t that I was poor, or haven’t had kids, or have no serious relationship, or am getting older; the thing I was ‘blocking’ was that my entire family turned out to be useless sacks of shit in terms of emotional or financial support when the chips were down (well, actually, one cousin may turn out to be ok. have to wait and see – am just reconnecting with her after not seeing her for many years.)

The pain was recognizing that my family isn’t there for me. Never has been, never will be. And yet they expect everybody to be all happy and chipper and delighted to see them at holidays and birthdays and so on.

Well, when I finally figured it out I got so angry it’s a wonder I didn’t kill somebody. I was mad enough to smash the shit out of something or burn down a house a couple times, though I somehow managed to get through it without doing any of those things and without any serious damage to myself….

Now I’m sort of on the ‘other side’, the calm after the storm, and it’s lonely. It’s hard It’s scary. But I’m nowhere near as depressed, and I have a lot more resources to turn to now that I’ve learned to ask friends for help instead of expecting anything from family.

I also like life better, though there are still moments when I get really pissed and want to break something. I find that staying pissed helps. It helps me get a grip on what’s bugging me, if I can just ride the anger without actually *doing* anything with it that I’ll regret later. Just using it as a pry bar to get me out of bad situations, or change something that isn’t working. And it’s slow going, sometimes excruciatingly slow. Sometimes it feels like it’s going backwards. But it still feels like the right thing.

So just go at your own pace, to hell with what anybody else is doing, including me. Your body, mind, psyche knows what you need, and is trying to help you get it. Sometimes depression is about simply needing a time out from everything while your body/mind sort of re-orients itself toward whatever’s next for you.

Kind of like surfing, I would guess – you have to be ready for when that next wave comes, and hope you’re ready to ride the shit out of it! Or, let it pass by if it’s too big for you or not going the right direction or whatever. And be able to be ok with the times when the water is calm, flat and still. That’s the hardest part for me, too. Some people learn to meditate; for me the best thing is to just walk. Go out the door with nothing in my pockets but my house key and a kleenex (my nose always drips – TMI), and just walk. Start in some direction and just go and go until it’s time to turn back. I find this clears my head out wonderfully, gives me interesting things to look at, forces me to be ‘present’ (because I’m not listening to music or carrying a phone or anything).

But you will do whatever works for you. I think that’s the biggest thing, for all of us, as you say: Acceptance. Having people who are ok with you being and doing exactly what’s right for you, whatever you’re doing, whoever you are at this very moment, and every moment, is ok.

Hello Susan5…

I’d like to talk to you, as I again feel very similar to you… except, I tend to struggle with work, could hold down a job for years untill things got worse this year…. :\

anyways I would love to talk to you more, pls add me>?

kitten_666_@hotmail.com