i had an awful one, after falling out with my mother (see previous post “falling out”) i decided to take the sertraline. at first i just felt sick, i wanted to throw up, but everytime i tryiedto nothinghappened, i kept chokingand gagging. (sorry). then i started to lose my vision. it went all blury. so i started to walk around a little, just around the house. but my legs were shaking from my weight, i was all weak.
i didnt sleep much that night, i was ill and soo tired, but i was too nevous to sleep. i’m going camping with my friend next week and i’m F-ing terrifies. God knows why. i was paniking like MAD. i wanted to kill myself, i didnt obviously, i’m still here. but it was awful, it made me realise how awful the panic attacks are, i hadnt had one that bad sice i was 15/16. (i’m 17 now).
i also spent something near £170 on clothes (all from topshop!!??) trying on the clothes really makes me feel much better, i must have changed near to 4 times today already. i’ve got no where to go. i dont need the clothes, …. but i do have the money. i find it pathetic how i can spend that much on clothes, i just waste the money. cos i’ll just ware my old clothes to school and stuff anyway!!
i started a jounal today. i thought i would write in there what i am feeling …. so that i know how depressed i get, but also how happy i can be somtimes. maybe that will help. maybe it wont.
i think that will work better in a journal bevause i wont feel the need to explain myself so much.
i also had a bad day – my friend left me at school on my own, and my make-up looked awful. i dont know what i want to look good for, i’ts very vain i know. no one cares …. it pathetic.
anyway, what i wanted to say was thanks to “pull the plug” for actually reading my post ( and all the others who did too) but also for replying as well. it means a lot, thankyou.
i dont think i will be taking to my mum about how i feel, i have a counselor now, and shes better to talk to. although nothing can actually be gained from talking to her!?! …. thank you!
 nebdy xx
1 comment
The clothes shopping is a way to try to make yourself feel better, like eating candy (I think you know this, yes?) I do that sometimes too – I don’t have much money, but sometimes even a small little ‘treat’ will cheer me up. Like a flower to plant in the yard or something. It can help. But it’s good to know that it’s substitute, and to try to find the real thing when you can. Meaning, somebody to talk to, or whatever it is that you really need. Which can sometimes be hard to figure out right away, but I think we really know, underneath somewhere, what it is we need.
Some people find journal writing very helpful. I started doing it when I was 17, and it took the edge off, a bit.
But looking back, I think what I always needed was people to talk to – I just didn’t know how. I grew up in a family that didn’t talk about anything at all, ever, especially not any difficult emotions like fear or sadness or anger.
I wonder, does your counselor know of a support group for girls who might be going through similar things to you, so that you could have other people your age to talk to? Just a thought, maybe you’ve tried this already or maybe you think it’s dumb. I’ve never tried it, so I don’t know.
I’m also thinking, if you’re worried you might have a panic attack while you’re camping, could you maybe talk about it with your friend before you go? Tell her or him that you’ve had some panic attacks and that you’re worried about having one while you’re camping. Tell them about it very calmly, like it’s no big deal, and ask them if they’d be willing to help you with it if you start to get one while you’re camping. Figure out in advance what you think might help, have some ideas, but then be open to whatever your friend might offer as well (as long as it’s actually helpful!)
If your friend seems too freaked out by the whole thing, I personally would reconsider even going. Why? Because part of the whole panic attack thing comes from having no one to trust with your deepest darkest secrets. The only way I was able to get through them (I had several about a year and a half ago) was to call up this friend that I thought might be willing to help me and say, hey, I’ve been having these panic attacks, and sometimes I just need to be able to call and talk, even if it’s only to your answering machine. And then if you could call me back the next day and say you got my message (he lives on a different coast, so different time zones), then I would feel like somebody’s listening.
Or maybe your counselor offers a limited phone option, where you can call when you’re freaking out and she’ll call you back? You might ask her/him, I’ve heard that some counselors will do this to help people through a really bad patch.
I’m sorry your friend left you – I know this sounds like a dumb adult saying stupid things, but it would be good if you could talk to this person about how this made you feel. Ideally you would do it without making the person feel bad, or guilty, but just tell them, “I got really sad when you left me at school today.” Or something. I don’t know, maybe that wouldn’t work. But it’s a way to find out if this is a true friend or only a fair weather friend. It can be hard to be demanding on your friends like this, but it’s the only way you can really find out who you can count on. Just be very honest and firm about it, not accusing or anything. It’s about setting boundaries with how this person treats you. Maybe you could talk to your counselor about that?
And as to whether the counselor does any good: Well, only you can decide that. You _do_ have the right to challenge your counselor if you think she’s not helping you – you can ask for what you want, and tell her what you need. Especially if you’re paying her – she’s not the boss, YOU are.
I don’t know if this will help, but when you’re feeling bad and you don’t know what to do, see if you can go somewhere where you can walk and talk out loud to yourself where nobody will care. Like maybe there’s a walking path, or if you drive, maybe you can shout out the window on the motorway or whatever. I find it’s much more helpful to talk (or cry, or shout, or kick something) than to write.
But writing is good too, better than keeping it all inside.
I hope you will come back and write some more. And, you’re welcome 🙂