It doesn’t seem fair to divulge here when so many have it worse off. I keep telling myself that anyway, but at this point I don’t even know what my circumstances are, better or worse? I still feel but I feel so strongly it’s driven me past most coherency. My family is beautiful, oftentimes supportive, poor, and I never wanted to burden them. I haven’t, and I will continue to go out of my way not to. I am the first in my family to get into college. My boyfriend and I are in love, despite him being a year younger. Life was good, and even in the face of college my intentions are completely aligned with him. Been on the pill three years now, never missed one ever, and always used a condom. Somehow pregnant, strange how God sends us messages, right? The doctor said it was an anomaly, all things considered, says its rare, happens to one in one hundred women. At first I thought, why me, but after calming down, I thought, why not? It’s a blessing to become a parent, though the timing couldn’t have been worse. Being college bound does not facillitate children. My boyfriend is the most gentle, supportive person in the world and someone I could never hurt. He demanded to stay and help me. My family wanted me to go to college. I compromised with them both, and went pregnant. Throughout I admit I was unbelievably happy. It’s such a wonderful experience to be pregnant, it’s not scary, not when you’re truly loved. But reality is harsh. I could barely afford to pay for college on top of scholarships. No place to live but on campus, and I couldn’t push anything on my family or his. An adoption was arranged for, and I know it was the right thing to do, but as time dragged on my love only grew. I did very well in school and I was starting to feel very hopeful.Â Â My boyfriend and I, weÂ loved our baby. We had dreams for him.Â Eleven p.m. my roommates rushed me to the hospital in January when I went into labor. Boyfriend came right away, so did mom. Everything went smoothly, pristine health, and he was gorgeous. We named him Hayden. We weren’t really supposed to see him anyway, due to the arrangement, but the nurse let us hold him. That’s when I knew something was wrong. I did not struggle for nine months, and then some, just to hand away this precious gift to people I hardly knew. They wanted a baby, sure, could take care of it, certainly, but they could never claim that they carried the child and loved him the way I did. Parenthood changes you no matter how brief. He was taken and I felt numb after it all. A few days passed and I went back to school, feeling so empty. My boyfriend stayed strong for us both but I knew it was all a facade. He was hurt too and he admitted he would’ve done anything to keep Hayden. We thought the family was in North Carolina but they moved and have not kept in touch. It feels like he was stolen. I am so ashamed of my weakness. If I truly loved him I would have abandoned college, gotten a better job, and worked to make a life. Once out of school my boyfriend said he would do the same. It would have been hard work, but that’s what real love is: hard work! That’s why it’s worth it.Â College could not to compare, because the only real accomplishment in this life is not those framed papers they call degrees, but in our children and families and those we love. College is meaningless. The circumstances are what sting the most. Timing. If it had been four years ahead there would’ve been no problem keeping our baby. There would have been money and a place to live. Money and time. That is what dictates who is privliged enough for family. I am not. I try so hard to hide how dead I am. My family is glad that I am doing so well in school and that I’m so well-liked. I am a failure. I could’ve made it work, and Hayden slipped away before I could work things out. It has been a year and my boyfriend and I are still grieving. I would never want to hurt him or my family, but it’s unbearable. I have nothing to live for because I gave it all up. Who could respect a woman who gives up her own baby? Finding him has proven almost impossible because the family is hidden, and afraid we’ll call for a lawsuit. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I just want the pain to subside. I want toÂ return to theÂ place I was before I realized life is controlled solely by money. Excuse me, Mr. Trump? Help me out just a tiny bit, just for rent? I want to keep my family together. Ah. No. I cannot blame anyone. I won’t. Reality is like a knife. I won’t hurt anyone. I’ll do it quietly, and make sure everything’s arranged. My debts can all be paid for with the plan I set. It seems like such a fruitless endeavor. I won’t slice myself open because last time it terrified the life out of my roommates. I won’t subject those lovely girls to it. I will end it quickly. The ocean is a mile away. I will bend to its power. My family, whom I love so much… My boyfriend…Kevin, find a way to be happy again, I’m sorry I’mÂ doing this, butÂ I don’t know if another baby can everÂ replace the one we surrendered. Hayden. Mommy loves you.