Â I thought my life would be extraordinary. I have looks, intelligence, and charm, yet it all went so wrong. I started puberty at an alarmingly young age-when I was 10 I looked 16. This really upset my father, so he decided to deal with it by putting loads of pressure on me to excel and by saying hurtful comments about my appearance and life. This shredded my self-esteem, causing me to spend my high school years scared and lonely.Â Then my freshman year of college, I met a 400 pound guy who was flunking out of school and decided to hitch my wagon to him because I thoughtÂ no one else would be with me. Things were fine for awhile, but then I moved in with him and ended up having an abortion. It hit me so hard that I got kicked out of school for poor grades and lack of attendence. I have found a good paying job, yet he hasn’t, so it is still a struggle to make ends meet. He calls me ***** and **** all the time and belittles me because I won’t accept the way he treats me or his desire to just stay at the status quo.Â He spends all of his time at work, at the gym, or with his friends. It is the Friday night of the Fourth of July holiday and he has pulled his usual- he left me here alone with no money. He only wants to spend time with me if I will go out with him and his friends and kiss his ass or have sex with him. If I don’t screw him nightly he goes into a rage. I really want to divorce him but I get payed in cash so I don’t have proof of income and I can’t afford to go back to college, so I feel I am stuck.Â All I do is sob and not want to leave the house except to go to work. I am pathologically shy since I have only heard people rack on me. I have lost many friends and I don’t stay in much touch with the three I have left. I am so afraid of new people because I am afraid they are going to think I am ugly, stupid, or boring. I started taking an Ambien at a very early hour just to not have to deal with my pain, but my husband took them from me so now I feel the urge to take all of his prescriptions, but I don’t want to hurt my mom or sisters and have to make them pay for a funeral they can’t afford. I fully realize that my only real source of peace would be divorce, but I would lose everything and life would be worse, if that is possible. I really wish I could be happy.