July 1st, 2009 by gimpygardner

I’ve only read a few days of posts, & I’m kinda hesitant to add mine, but here goes…I can remember when I was happy last-up until the day my mom pushed me away when I was giving her a hug, saying my sister was wondering if I was a lesbian. I might have been 8. After that I dreamed of being away-camping somewhere & I would lay in the backyard going thru catalogs for the gear I’d need.  I always used to have so much love I couldn’t contain it.  Within a couple yrs I climbed to the patio porch & threatened to jump.  I don’t really remember who was there, or what the reaction was, just the anger I felt.

I started cutting my wrists about 14 or so, as I was trying to get the nerve to go deep.  I couldn’t do it, tho, so I decided to use pills.  Knew mom had Demerol for her kidney stones-never found them. to this day I have no idea where she keeps them.  All I could find was aspirin & cold pills, so I tried that-no go. Just felt queasy for a few hours. After, the thought of pills made me sick & I got the idea of liquid meds.  Liquid Tylenol should work, right?  Acetominophen antitoxin is the worst! Got scared & called a hotline-they traced the number & called back, mom had got home & she answered! They’d already sent out the police & an ambulance. So that was my first taste of rescue, complete with 3 days in the hosp having to drink a concoction that smelled worse than rotten eggs!  Not my last, but never again wih Tylenol! After that it became Sominex from the drugstore, & never at home!  I’d get on a bus & ride, then go into a store, buy a drink, use their restroom to take the pills-still extremely difficult-then just walk the street-but I was still scared to go alone & called the hotline; I didn’t think they could trace a pay phone…WRONG!  I was almost gone when the police got there, had slipped down in the booth-anyone remember those? or even payphones?-& wedged the door shut with my nearly unconscious body-but they managed to get me to the hospital in time. Stomache pump for that. 

Anyway, from 16 to 19 I was in & out of psych wards.  Meds didn’t help me much-still don’t-but I’ve stayed alive.  I do know a number of people who did eventually find the right meds & did fine.  Maybe the many, many, many pill OD’s built up my immunity, but I think I had a natural immunity anyway.  Over the years I’ve tried so many meds, I don’t know their names.  In ’02, I underwent surgery to implant a VNS.  The research was promising for treatment resistant depression, & my hopes were high.  Took longer than I’d hoped, but after a few yrs I felt better for awhile.  THAT’S my problem-FOR A WHILE.   ‘For a While’ has gotten me thru 30+ yrs, but as each new treatment fails, I’m more ready to say ‘screw it’.  Adding major health problems & disability, I just want to sleep…….

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