The past 18 months have been difficult. Lost allot of things, cars, house, jobs, wife miscarried etc. Then in March my wife’s email was open and saw that she was into a couple of onlineÂ relations with other guys. They were pretty explicit. One was local and they had made arrangements to meet. I called her on it. At first she lied about it, then came clean. We discussed it. I forgave her but can’t get it out of my head. Our relation ship was the last failure that broke my back. Life just seems to be unbearable. I love my wife very much and was the only person I really trusted. Not now. I feel like a paranoid husband. Always wondering. Â Can’t talk to her. Each time I do I feel like I’m the one that fucked up. Few weeks after my discovery I found a cable to string my self up by and was writing a letter to my little girl. Â This was the first time I decided to go through with it. It was the thought of my daughter that kept me from swinging from the back porch that night. Now there are days on my long commute to work I just pray for an accident, a head on a 2 lane road to work, blow out sending me off the cliff into the river. Maybe be on my way home I’ll stop by the local bridge here and swan dive into rocks below. I don’t like being here. I don’t like me. I have failed as a father, son and a husband. I have a brother that tried to commit suicide when he was in high school and I was in the military. Had his wounds kept bleeding while he slept he was have succeeded.Â I understood why he did it. He didn’t want to be a failure. I had been there. We have the same mom and I don’t like her very much. Long story behind that. Now I really don’t know what to do. Recently I had been working in a gun store and wanted to put one to my head and finish it. I guess it’s a good thing the shop had been out of ammo for a while. As for help….well there is a double whammy for me. Getting help will hurt my chances for employment the with Gov’t. Can’t get a clearance if you want to expire. They will ask and I can’t lie about it. I need the job in the worst way. Then again with my current employer I have life insurance and my family will be covered if I have an “accident”. Some days are great. Others days the pain is unbearable. Things like this have happened all my life but I really feel like I am at a end. 38 years and I didn’t want to find my self here. I really don’t know what to do. I’ll just know when I do.
Damn good thing it isn’t a crime
I’ve got a dirty dirty gun up against my head
Cleanse and purge the ill from the inside
A burning conscience severs the stem
The song about sums it up for me.