So, here I am, sharing my story with strangers. Maybe that’s the best way.
What can I say…I am not seeing the point in going on with this charade called life anymore. I am 37 years old, and feel that there is nothing to look forward to, except working jobs that I hate that I feel are beneath me for the rest of my life, and being alone.
The dreams I have been pursuing of doing photography for a living have not come to pass. There were a few times when it was starting to look pretty good, but things either came to a grinding halt, or just went South completely. I’m tired of trying.
I have tried and tried to make things work for me, and I have gotten nowhere. By my age, people are supposed to have a handle on things somewhat, but I don’t feel like I do. I’ve never had a serious relationship, and the longest I have ever dated a girl was about 2 months. I mostly just have slept with women I’m not even interested in, because I feel that is the best I can get, and that any woman whom I would be even the slightest bit attracted to, will automatically either find me repulsive, or will want to be “just friends”. I’m tired of those kinds of friends. They all stop talking to me anyway, as soon as they find a guy they start dating. I’m no longer needed at that point, and I guess I was just a means to an end. I’m sure I’ve done the same to women, so I suppose I deserve it.
My career is a joke. I’ve spent over 14 years trying to make a living as a photographer, and people tell me all the time how good I am (not just patronizing me either, I know I’m good at what I do. That makes it even worse). Knowing that you are good at something, and feeling so strongly that nothing will ever come of it.
I have worked countless crappy jobs, that provide very little in the way of a decent living, and not much in the way of dignity. Right now I am working part time, and not able to make ends meet. This seems like it will be the story of my life, so I figure “Why bother?” If this is all I’m going to get, I would rather not play ball, because the game is rigged. I have a college degree, but it doesn’t seem worth the paper it’s printed on.
If I can’t do something I like for a living, where I can use my creativity, then to hell with it. When I think about it, I would rather be dead than to go on living a lie, and wondering why I am.
I read stories and hear the news of the world, and it just looks more miserable every day. People worship the rich, and let them get away with anything. The wealthy of this world are only interested in themselves. I used to want to change it all, but it’s hopeless. Revolutionaries are only effective as martyrs anyway. I don’t even think I care about the plight of the abused any more. I just want to call it quits. This factory called Earth just keeps churning out more and more tragic stories every day.
Do I have a plan on how I would do it? Of course. Take one paycheck and buy 2 things: A one way ticket to Alaska, and a bottle of pills. Go out in the wilderness with a nice view of some mountains, down the hatch, and got to sleep forever. Let the wolves and bears eat my remains.
Obviously, I’m not completely committed to doing this, otherwise i would not be writing this here now.
I used to have a lot of faith and spirituality, or at least I thought I did. Non-denominational, I was happy withÂ my beliefs. I used to watch things like The Secret, and read Neale Donald Walsch, and think “Wow, this is where it’s at…I feel such a connection…”
Now I don’t. I see those people as money-grubbing carpet baggers, who couldn’t care less about anyone who didn’t have money for them. Don’t even get me started about the organized religions.
I had never been seriously abused as a child, and I know there are people out there with pain much worse than myself. I think about that, and then I feel even more guilty for the way I feel. I’m sorry.
I don’t know who I am anymore. All I know is I am always broke, lonely and unhappy, and I don’t feel any hope that I can change it.