14 years of there pain in me

  August 5th, 2009 by suicide-princess

i have always hated myself and everything to do with me i cant even look at a photo of myself and i cant seem to do anything right and everyone keeps quitting on me so whats the point in living? sure im only 14 but thats 14 years of pain let me help you understand a little i am a 14 year old girl living in care i have had 6 different placements in seven years and to top it off im bi so nothing seems to be going very well my therapist quit on me today so that makes three  of them  i have no friends  and no one likes me  my foster brothers are 5 and 8 and they always say to me “i dont like you can you leave” or “we hate you go away and die” and there only little my nan  doesnt want to see me my brother says that it would be better if i were dead and my sisters just ignore me so what should i do i ask myself as im sitting on my bed crying as usual then the thought of suiside came back to me i have tried so many times but i always fail but this time i dressed in my fav clothes i did my make up(something i never do because i cant stand to look in the mirror) and i left a letter i went to hang myself i know its painful but the way i saw it was a painful death for someone in so much pain that it couldnt be more painful than my life and my foster carer came in and took my rope witch was round my neck at this point and then i took out my dressing gown belt witch was thick and strong and i tried with that but she came in again and she rang the hospital and when she was down stairs i took out a knife and i cut a long deep cut down my right wrist i got taken to the hospital and then they made me stay in this mental place for a week and then i started to refuse to eat and drink i did it for about four days but then they had permission to force feed me and they did so i tried that drinking 14 liters thing but they stopped me i got out of there and i still always feel like i was just not meant to happen i got told that you know what you want from life and what you want to do in it but me i see and feel nothing just black empty darkness and i always think of dead people but one day. one day when there not looking as soon as i have time alone bang its going to happen im going to do it in any way i can i would drink bleach, cut my throat,stab myself, hang myself, drink cyanide what ever i can it just needs time i would ask any one to do it any one!

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