I don’t know why I came to this website, other than to get all of my suicidal thoughts out. I have struggled with depression for a while, but lately I have felt more suicidal than depressed. I’m going to the local community college in my town. I can’t put this into words right now. Every day I’m there I feel these intense feelings come over me. I feel alone. I know I am alone, even though there are plenty of people around me. The sunshine doesn’t make me happy at all. In fact, it makes me angry and upset because the heat is so unbearable. I’m gay, but because I don’t have many friends to support me, it is hard for me to come out and live openly. The friends that I am close to are all off at college. I hate feeling like I am complaining and making a big deal, but right now I just need to put this out there.
I have a journal that I write in, and making friends is hard for me. I wanted to join the journalsim club at school, but it turns out that last year they tried to organize but only two people showed any interest. I don’t know what else to say. I’m better at expressing myself through poetry and stream of consciousness writing. One day, I want to be a writer or an English teacher. Only a week or so ago I was excited about the prospects of the future. I had a dreams and goals and even a healthy desire to live. Now I am deeply and profoundly depressed and hopeless. No dream. No goal. No life.
I need help, perhaps a therapist. I am taking medication, prescribed by psychiatrist. I’m not interested in popularity, fame, or other people’s opinion of me. I would like to move on from this and say that I survived.
1 comment
Hi, I used to have no goal and right now I wished I was still like that. It used to be that when I don’t know what I wanted to do, I held on to a quote that said “I know a lot of interesting 40 (or maybe it was 50) years old, and they still don’t know what they want to do with their life”, I took that quote as meaning that it was ‘okay’ to not have a goal. Just live and things will work out.
But now I’ve found something that I want to achieve and it pains me to be denied this dream. If I had known that knowing what you want to do will be even more painful than just going with the flow.. then maybe I wouldn’t have tried so hard to search myself and find it.
By the way, I think it’s okay to complain, I actually kinda admired people who do that, because, well, I’m always afraid that if I complained too much, then people would hate me. So, when I find that there are people who still complain even when they think they shouldn’t, I find that they’re worth listening to.