ah well…

Hi, I rather don’t want to say my name,
I live in Europe, and I am 17 years old,

I have a disease, Which makes it very hard for myself, to lose weight,
If I lose 1kg, and eat 1 meal, I will gain that 1kg again,
I live healthy, I try to exercise, Nothing helps, And there is no cure,

At This very moment, My weight is 160Kg,
I know, I’m fat, But many, many people bully me,
And that is what was the beginning of my ‘fall’

I tried many sports, hobby’s, enc enc,
I found none to be appealing to me,
Till I started to game, I love playing games, becoming good at them,
Because of my interest in (pc)-gaming, I have become a geek,

This made more people to bully me,
And I find it hard to not kill them, before I eventually kill myself,
In my country, I have 1 real friend, Others laugh at me, and talk ‘behind my back’

I have a few friends abroad, One of them, Is my best friend,
I can talk with him about anything…

People don’t understand that I have friends abroad, which again makes them bully me more,

That was a small part, of what makes me think about suicide,
But it’s not all, Because I have that disease, It’s hard for me, to do anything,
I am exhausted after walking up the stairs, I cannot run 100m,

People only know me, when they need me, Else, nobody cares about me
I don’t want attention, I don’t want to waste your time,

But, I write this in the hope, It will eventually stop me from what I’m planning,

All the bully’s, (And there are a lot of them) aren’t worth living,
And I know, I have the strength to kill them with my bare hands,
Sometimes I think of that, Perhaps it would make me feel better…
My parents make me feel sick, And although many people think I am living the ‘good life’, I am not.
My mother gives me anything I desire, I ask for something, She gives it to me,
This seems pleasant, But it really is not, People look at you, As you are ‘better’ then them,
That makes me sad…
Me & my dad often ‘fight’, He doesn’t understand me, And doesn’t care to listen when I try to explain.
I don’t know the rest of my family, I never saw them, And to be honest, I don’t care to see them either.

At school, I fail,
I cannot concentrate when I need to, And I have a big problem with languages,
Though, Every teacher says the same: ‘He’s just lazy, He can do better!’
Well I cannot, I tried so hard, And it didn’t work out

I don’t want to go outside, I’m afraid people would see me, And give me that strange look again.
You have to understand, With my disease, People look at me as a monster,
And I cannot go do things, like normal people can…
I cannot go to a amusement park, I don’t fit in any of the attractions
I can barley find clothes that fit

If I ever graduate, I won’t fit in the desks, It’s a serious problem…
Sometimes I want to kill myself, But, As everything else in my life, That fails too,
I don’t have the guts to kill myself, And I probably wouldn’t succeed in killing any of those bully’s either

I once had a love of my life,
Due to my situation, I knew what was going to happen,
But still, I told her how I felt, She smiled…
Then she ran away

I try to be strong, I don’t want to hurt my parents, I don’t want to hurt anyone…
But it’s getting too much, I cannot keep acting like I’m happy,
And if I don’t, I will get bullied even more…

I only see one solution, And you all know what that is…
The only bright spark in my life, are 2 girls, Twins…

They were mistreated by their parents, they were abused,
My niece who works in a place were they help these kids, takes them with me to my home sometimes,
They are so young (5 years old) and still, they were abused, Their parents are in prison, And they deserve that

When they are around me, I can give them the love I could never give someone else,
They like me, And are happy when they are around me,

But I know, If anyone ever adopts them, I will never see them again,
And when they grow up, They would probably not remember me either,
Once they understand I am not the average person,
I think they will react like anyone else, And also look at me, As that fat ‘monster’