Dispair

  August 9th, 2009 by k3gt2

Ive always lived my life on a knife edge, very much a roller coaster ride, younger women, fast cars, drugs, you name it i did it, im 44 now, but back when i was 7-8years old i vividly remember my mother telling me, when i did something wrong that, “she never wanted me, ‘they’ didnt want a boy, they only wanted a girl,” my sister is 2 years younger than me.

All through my life its been there in the back of my mind, but its not realy untill you reach a certain age (for me it was a couple of yrs ago) that your mind starts to work out WHY your life has panned out the way it has, and i look back to that 7-8year old and think rather than looking 4 attention elsewhere, ( after hearing repeated comments from my mother regarding me not being wanted) that in a stupid way i got involved with the wrong crowd to gain the attention i wasnt getting at home from my parents, one thing led to another and here i am today, sitting as i have for the past one and a half mths wondering if i can go through with ending my life.

My last partner who i lived with left approx that long ago, she was 25, a goodlooking girl, but after the collapse of the building industry at the end of 2008 money got less and less, it caused us to row more and more, i still loved her dearly, i just couldnt give her what she wanted, as i had before,  she told me 7wks ago she was going up the shops and never came back, i reported her missing to the police, i was worried sick, but later the next day i found out that she’d took our only car we had left and gone to her dads, he told me she stank of drink, he said she’d gone to her sisters.

I wanted to have reassurance so drove past her sisters, the car wasnt there, i checked the local pub as she liked a drink, it was there, but she wasnt in the pub, and when i asked behind the bar they told me that she wasnt in a fit state the night before and they had called her sister (who was a regular) to come and get her.

I rang her sister(as Emily didnt have a mobile) and told her brother in law she had 10 mins to ring and tell me what was going on or i was taking the car, no phone call came so i took the car.

On the way home, down tiny country lanes her stepfather and approx 9 other blokes, not kids, ran me off the road in 2 cars smashed my side window, dragged me into a field, held me, face down on the ground and kicked the side of my head and chest untill i kept going in and out of concousness, they suddenly stopped and adrenalin kicked in, i needed to survive, they had backed off a bit, i got to my feet, and ran in2 the woods but could hear more chasing behind me, could hardly breath, but i didnt know ide got a collapsed lung, blood pouring from my mouth, the noises stopped behind me and i managed to get to a farm house where i collapsed and the owner called an ambulance, i sort of remember the lady of the house telling her husband she didnt think i was going to make it and for the ambulance to hurry, i thought i was dying.

Ive now been out of hospital for one and a half mths, i dont go out much at all, i dont sleep, the attack has realy affected me, ‘Post traumatic stress dissorder’.

Ive heard nothing at all off my ex, not that ide want her back after this, but there has been no concern for my near death, so in 2 days i lost my partner who i loved, and almost lost my life, its turned me into someone else, im not the same bloke anymore, oh it comes out very occassionaly for a bit, but then reality hits like a train, i cant see any point in living like this sometimes, im on sedatives, sleeping tablets (still dont sleep much, just incase of retaliation) police involved you see.

Drives me to dispair 80% of the time, is it the 20% that stops me overdosing, connecting the exhaust up to the car, i dont know, but im sort of scared that i’ll do it when im at my lowest, i know im capable of it, it may happen, i dont know yet. i have a load of different tablets in a box for when i need them, its my ‘get out box’, my ticket out of this crap life ive been put into, talking to someone about it only helps at the time, but my life is still the same when their gone. im not leaving this note to say dont do it, everybodys breaking point is different, but for anyone feeling in the same boat i know how you feel, its not good, would it matter to anyone if i was gone, i dont think so………

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