I really dont know why I feel so alone…I have so many people in my life that love me very much, but I feel so alone. Sometimes I think maybe that is the reason why I feel alone. Life is so wierd these days. I feel like it is all just a blur. I stay up late and sleep in late. I go to work and hate it. I come home but I dont want to be here. I use to never be like this until poof one day everything is different. I honestly dont think that I am depressed but maybe I am… I just want everything to be normal again. Like before my Uncle Michael killed himself. It has been two months and it feels like I got the phone call yesterday. I went to see him yesterday and all I could do was think of myself. Like why did this happen to ME, and why cant I be happy. When I really should be thinking of HIM. The uncle who took his own life and made everyone so unhappy. It isnt fair to anyone…why wasnt it me? I cant help but think of the multiple times that I thought of hurting myself. But now when I look at it it isnt fair because now I cant do it because I have seen and felt how it makes people feel. I feel like I am rambling on about nothing but this helps me vent. Hopefully this helps to me everything feel some what normal to me again. But will it ever be NORMAL?
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2 comments
I think it is perfectly normal to feel this way after such a traumatic event in life, I hope Michael will rest in peace and I’m sorry to hear of your loss. I think it’s perfectly normal to question why they took their life, and even provokes you to think of yourself in such a manner regarding suicide. I can relate to the loneliness you feel, I have people that love me, although I feel like truly no one really understands the REAL me, just this facade I put on. I feel almost completely alone in this world as well. I’m not really sure of what to say to help, obviously because I’m not really sure of who you are, although time does heal ‘most’ wounds. I think it will just take time for those thoughts to eventually diminish, after all two months is still quite recent.
I agree with the above commenter, it’s natural to be sad when somebody you love dies! What’s unnatural is to live in a culture like ours where you’re expected to be done grieving in only a month or two after such a major event happens in your life. Depending on how big a part of your life this person was, it could take many years to finish grieving about it.
Take as long as you need, and don’t let people guilt or harass you into not showing what you’re feeling. If you’re sad, be sad. Find people who are ok with you having the intense feelings you have.
It’s normal to think of yourself, you’re not being selfish. It’s human nature. When people cry when someone dies, they’re not crying for the person who died – they’re crying for themselves! Because now that person is gone and they miss them.
It’s interesting that you seem almost to feel jealous that your uncle got all this ‘attention’. Is there some other way for you to get the attention you need without killing yourself? Besides which, if you’re dead the attention won’t do you much good.
It seems like you need to talk, and that maybe you don’t feel safe talking to the people who ‘love’ you?
This is what usually causes depression – when we have these huge, gigantic feelings that are too big to hold inside but there’s nobody to listen and help us get them out.
If you can find somebody who will listen even a *little* bit it will help. Keep looking for people who will listen, and don’t feel bad or ashamed about your need to talk. Everybody is affected differently when somebody dies, especially if they kill themselves. Each person will handle it their own way. Please don’t feel guilty about what you’re feeling or your need to deal with it your own way! Please keep asking people around you to help you, this is what *true* love is about – people who give you what you actually need, not just what is convenient for them to give.