I’ve been feeling increasingly down…Â Suicidal thoughts are pretty much an everyday occurance nowadays.Â Â Although I don’t feel like I could ever go through with it really.Â I’m too much of a chickenshit, and I know that I would cause a lot of people a lot of terrible pain, which I don’t want to do.Â I just don’t want to be in pain anymore either.Â Â
I feel like I used to be happy.Â Â I used to be excited about life and the possibilities it could have held.Â Â I just feel likeÂ I’mÂ tied down to a lot of stupid bullshit thatÂ I don’t want to be tied down to anymore.Â Â I’m 26.Â I’mÂ an openly gay man.Â I’mÂ perpetually single.Â It’s been years since I’ve had actual sex, and even then I was hooking up with straight guys on the DL, it wasn’tÂ love….Â IÂ suppose we were just giving into our urges or whatever.Â Â People tell me I lookÂ nice and I’m hot but for some reason I can never believe it.Â Â I have a really weird bone structure and I’mÂ pretty tall and kind of chubby…Â Â I just get so down, scary down more and more these days.Â Â I just feel like my life is a joke, or someone is playing a joke on me, or there is some big secret that everyone knows and I don’t…Â Â When normal people do things like date and do fun things out in public I feel like I’m not worthy of doing it.Â Â Like I look like an asshole when I do it compared to someone else.Â Like I look stupid and everyone knows it.
Â I look at my life and sure not everything isÂ perfect but I know I haveÂ a lot more going on for me than I give myselfÂ credit for.Â Â I’m currently in a highly desired program at my college, but it’s extremely hard and IÂ always question whether I’m worthy or capable ofÂ handling it.Â Â It’s this constantÂ feeling ofÂ being overwhelmed and insane stress.Â Â Â I’m in debt, mostly credit card….Â Â Not proud of it at all…Â Quite ashamed actually.Â
I do have great friends, and they have been my friends for years and years.Â Â They are all getting married now, having children, graduating college, and starting careers…Â Â I’m not even close to any of that.Â Â None of them understand what it’s like to be who I am living where I live.Â Â They all say they do and it just pisses me off…Â Â They all say they know what its like to be alone and they are talking out their asses.Â Â They have all been in long term relationships since they were like 18 or 20….Â Â I’ve never had any type of relationship to be honest.Â Â It just makes me feel more and more like a freak…Â Â Like an alien.Â Â I’ve always felt incredibly different from everyone else.Â Â
I also think that my friends are growing tired of me, and that sucks.Â Â I’m always there for my friends, bend over backwards to help them, listen to them vent, help them solve their problems, etc…Â Â Anymore though I don’t feel it’s recipricated at all. Â Like I have to hide how I feel when I’m around them.Â Â I’ve never had a problem with alcoholÂ but now whenever I doÂ go out with friends I can’t be aÂ “happy drunk” like I always used to be.Â Â Now it seems I react theÂ wrong way to anything anyone says and go nuts, and I truly can’t control this…Â Â It’s so funny that when you drink anything your sad about or trying to forget comes out anyways.Â Â Â This sadness has reached the point where I can’t be happy for people anymore.Â Â I can’t be happy for happy couples or people who are in love…Â Â Especially if they are a gay couple….Â Â It’s intense jealousy that I feel and I wonder what in the hell did I do to deserve this?Â Â Why can’t I just be normal?Â Â I know I’mÂ a good person with a good heart.Â I don’t steal, I don’t lie and although I’m not religious I try to be a good person and rule my life by Karma, trying to accumulate good Karma as often as I can.Â Â
This post might seem insanely selfish and self-absorbed to some, including myself sometimes…Â Â However it is my life and all these awful thoughts play in my head, through my body, on a loop, over and over again, day in and day out….