I’ve been feeling increasingly down… Suicidal thoughts are pretty much an everyday occurance nowadays.  Although I don’t feel like I could ever go through with it really. I’m too much of a chickenshit, and I know that I would cause a lot of people a lot of terrible pain, which I don’t want to do. I just don’t want to be in pain anymore either. Â
I feel like I used to be happy.  I used to be excited about life and the possibilities it could have held.  I just feel like I’m tied down to a lot of stupid bullshit that I don’t want to be tied down to anymore.  I’m 26. I’m an openly gay man. I’m perpetually single. It’s been years since I’ve had actual sex, and even then I was hooking up with straight guys on the DL, it wasn’t love…. I suppose we were just giving into our urges or whatever.  People tell me I look nice and I’m hot but for some reason I can never believe it.  I have a really weird bone structure and I’m pretty tall and kind of chubby…  I just get so down, scary down more and more these days.  I just feel like my life is a joke, or someone is playing a joke on me, or there is some big secret that everyone knows and I don’t…  When normal people do things like date and do fun things out in public I feel like I’m not worthy of doing it.  Like I look like an asshole when I do it compared to someone else. Like I look stupid and everyone knows it.
 I look at my life and sure not everything is perfect but I know I have a lot more going on for me than I give myself credit for.  I’m currently in a highly desired program at my college, but it’s extremely hard and I always question whether I’m worthy or capable of handling it.  It’s this constant feeling of being overwhelmed and insane stress.   I’m in debt, mostly credit card….  Not proud of it at all… Quite ashamed actually.Â
I do have great friends, and they have been my friends for years and years.  They are all getting married now, having children, graduating college, and starting careers…  I’m not even close to any of that.  None of them understand what it’s like to be who I am living where I live.  They all say they do and it just pisses me off…  They all say they know what its like to be alone and they are talking out their asses.  They have all been in long term relationships since they were like 18 or 20….  I’ve never had any type of relationship to be honest.  It just makes me feel more and more like a freak…  Like an alien.  I’ve always felt incredibly different from everyone else. Â
I also think that my friends are growing tired of me, and that sucks.  I’m always there for my friends, bend over backwards to help them, listen to them vent, help them solve their problems, etc…  Anymore though I don’t feel it’s recipricated at all.  Like I have to hide how I feel when I’m around them.  I’ve never had a problem with alcohol but now whenever I do go out with friends I can’t be a “happy drunk” like I always used to be.  Now it seems I react the wrong way to anything anyone says and go nuts, and I truly can’t control this…  It’s so funny that when you drink anything your sad about or trying to forget comes out anyways.   This sadness has reached the point where I can’t be happy for people anymore.  I can’t be happy for happy couples or people who are in love…  Especially if they are a gay couple….  It’s intense jealousy that I feel and I wonder what in the hell did I do to deserve this?  Why can’t I just be normal?  I know I’m a good person with a good heart. I don’t steal, I don’t lie and although I’m not religious I try to be a good person and rule my life by Karma, trying to accumulate good Karma as often as I can. Â
This post might seem insanely selfish and self-absorbed to some, including myself sometimes…Â Â However it is my life and all these awful thoughts play in my head, through my body, on a loop, over and over again, day in and day out….
6 comments
Dear Friend:
Your thoughts are very natural. You are a young single gay man, surrounded by straight friends who are coupled up.
You’ve also got a demanding college program, financial problems, worries about your looks, a difficult past dating guys on the DL, and a growing depression.
Many young gay people have similar feelings in your situation, and many of them are struggling with loneliness, financial issues, appearance concerns, dting issues, etc.
Consider getting a therapist or counselor who is knowledgeable about gay people, and working on positive ways to gradually tackle your problems.
Don’t let your depression get any worse — there are many counselors and therapists who might be able to help you, and also a large number of anti-depressant medications that could clear your mind and help you think about ways to work creatively on your problems.
Also, look around online for gay support groups for gays struggling with depression. Other gays in the same situation could offer you helpful thoughts.
Many blessings for a new direction in your life.
Struggling to Survive (been there)
im kind of on the same page as you here. im bi. people who know stare at me like a monster.. i get jealous of other girls when they take the person i had my eye on.. i realize how you feel, unlike your friends because ive felt the burning feeling of being alone, and the chilling feeling of being misunderstood. i have to hide what i feel from my parents, im afraid that they wont support me as much anymore.. well anyways, good luck dude. -Pokey
Dear Poster,
I agree with struggling to survive, except for one part. You should definitely find some support group to give you good thoughts, and find a counselor or therapist who will help you through your depression.
But, there is one thing I do not agree with. You should avoid anti-depressants if possible. There have been many cases of suicide by people who have been taking anti-depressants. The drugs work for a while, then extreme suicidal thoughts come into play. I have read books, watched documentories, and read stories of people, friends on anti-depressants who have ended their lives.
If at all possible, try to stick with counseling and support groups to get you through your depression. It will help in the end, trust me.
Good luck,
Old Wise Man
Your post doesn’t come off as selfish or self-absorbed. It is all completely natural to wish for relationships to be mutual, often I find however that if you are to giving or if you expect too much in return you’ll sometimes end up disappointed. Often I try to listen intently and assist any friends that are suffering through problems and often it leaves me feeling under-appreciated as it is more a one-way relationship and I feel as if little is reciprocated. Then I try to remember that I’m doing it not for the reward of others helping me, but more for the contentment I feel after listening to somebody and trying to help that person. It probably isn’t as fulfilling as someone helping you with your problems but I feel as if it is still something. Remember also that if you hide your feelings away from your friends (as I do as well) it is very difficult for them to discover that you are going through hardships and they can’t really know about it unless you actually discuss it with them, but I understand how you just don’t want to share it with anyone because you feel like they wouldn’t care to listen at all, so you just put on a facade when around them.
I’m in my second year at college but already some of my friends have already bought cars and are doing well in their courses and jobs etc. and I feel as if everything is going so well for them, I’m very happy for them, that they worked hard to get it, at the same time though it just makes me feel completely worthless at everything. I try not to harbor any jealousy because it only restricts how much you can achieve because it forces you to question everything like “Why did it have to be me?” etc. It is difficult sometimes, especially when they are taking you for a ‘joy ride’ in their new car lol.
I think you should be proud of yourself to be able to get into such a sought after course in college and I hope, I don’t think you deserve any of the pain though, you sound like an incredibly caring person who would do anything for your friends and family. I often find it is unfair that people that are so genuinely caring of others can be afflicted with such problems. I hope you can find somebody who feels the same way towards you as you do towards them.
I hope I haven’t rambled on incessantly I have a habit of doing that. I hope that everything can turn around for you so that you do not have to suffer anymore, it seems unfair as you sound like such a genuinely caring person and personally I would not want you to take your life. I wish you the best in your studies and hope you can find everything that you are seeking for in terms of a relationship and career.
why dont you move to a new city a liberal one. dunno where you live but austin texas is awesome!!! not horrendously expensive especially fi you live like 20 minutes outside of the city and its very gay friendly. you’ll meet new friends, new guys in the gay scene, and a lot of gay friendly liberal cities are healthy cities too. itll motivate you to lose weight. if you exercise you WILL feel better. if yiou lsoe weight you WILL feel better. no duobt about it. and no one likes couples when theyre single lol seriously! we’re all jealous of people in relationships when we want to be in one. just lioke we’rwe jealous of popel with money when we have none, etc. it’s natural. you sound like you’re definitely on a road that leads to suicide, you’re getting there, stop it while you have a chance, so my advice: exercise, move to a new town, make new friends in this new town (which will lead to new love interests), and give yourself more respect and higher standards. if you have higher standards for yourself you wont be with guys on the DL. youre doing that because maybe your self esteem is so low you don;t think you deserve a healthy relationship but you do. just act like you’re aesome and only deserve the best
you don’t have to have a reasion to be depressed you can just be depressed.
first of all Concider medication or getting a physiatrist some medications are a pain in the ass. but when you have the right medication can it help or atleast keep it from getting worse. it takes time you can’t expect it to help right away. but it might help with the incresing depression. some times its cemical like in your brain. think of it like a sick person. when yoiu get the flue or wake up with green gusing goop in you eye, you go to the doctor. right? you? to find out whats wrong with you and they give you the right medication so that it doesn’t get worse or spreed to you other eye.
depression is the ooohhhh so different but in some ways its the same. only its internal and you can’t see it. its the green gushy goop on the inside of u that others cant see but you can feel. with out medication it will get worse.
but whith the right medication it could get better, or worse but it takes trial and error to find the right one
event if you do find the right medication it doen’t always help the problems in your life but it can help you feel more able to deal with them. and a physiatrist would help find the right medication to help get rid of that goop ( deppression).
stop worring about what you should do. like
you should find some one to date
you should not be in debt
you should go to school
you should be gratfull for every thing friends and family
you should get married ,have childeren, graduate or start a career …… you dont have to be happy for any body. don’t worrry about it you don’t have to any thing
your still young ,you still have time, there is no “normal”, what is normal? just let your self be deppresed.stop trying to ignore the deppresion. nobody knows what your going through but you. only you have the right to your life and what you do with it. nobody can tell you to stop being depresed so why should you?
oh and don’t you worry about haveing an intemet relation ship with someone there are so many people out there that would be lucy to have you as a partner you a good friend and that is one of the most impotant things in a realationship. i think it would be harder for you to have that to worry about that as well right now. at the moment i think its a good thing that u dont have any one. take the time alone to feel comfertable with your self.