Here Goes….

August 8th, 2009by anonymous26

I’ve been feeling increasingly down…  Suicidal thoughts are pretty much an everyday occurance nowadays.   Although I don’t feel like I could ever go through with it really.  I’m too much of a chickenshit, and I know that I would cause a lot of people a lot of terrible pain, which I don’t want to do.  I just don’t want to be in pain anymore either.  

I feel like I used to be happy.  I used to be excited about life and the possibilities it could have held.   I just feel like I’m tied down to a lot of stupid bullshit that I don’t want to be tied down to anymore.   I’m 26.  I’m an openly gay man.  I’m perpetually single.  It’s been years since I’ve had actual sex, and even then I was hooking up with straight guys on the DL, it wasn’t love….  I suppose we were just giving into our urges or whatever.  People tell me I look nice and I’m hot but for some reason I can never believe it.  I have a really weird bone structure and I’m pretty tall and kind of chubby…   I just get so down, scary down more and more these days.   I just feel like my life is a joke, or someone is playing a joke on me, or there is some big secret that everyone knows and I don’t…   When normal people do things like date and do fun things out in public I feel like I’m not worthy of doing it.   Like I look like an asshole when I do it compared to someone else.  Like I look stupid and everyone knows it.

 I look at my life and sure not everything is perfect but I know I have a lot more going on for me than I give myself credit for.   I’m currently in a highly desired program at my college, but it’s extremely hard and I always question whether I’m worthy or capable of handling it.   It’s this constant feeling of being overwhelmed and insane stress.     I’m in debt, mostly credit card….   Not proud of it at all…  Quite ashamed actually. 

I do have great friends, and they have been my friends for years and years.   They are all getting married now, having children, graduating college, and starting careers…   I’m not even close to any of that.   None of them understand what it’s like to be who I am living where I live.   They all say they do and it just pisses me off…   They all say they know what its like to be alone and they are talking out their asses.   They have all been in long term relationships since they were like 18 or 20….   I’ve never had any type of relationship to be honest.   It just makes me feel more and more like a freak…   Like an alien.   I’ve always felt incredibly different from everyone else.  

I also think that my friends are growing tired of me, and that sucks.  I’m always there for my friends, bend over backwards to help them, listen to them vent, help them solve their problems, etc…  Anymore though I don’t feel it’s recipricated at all.   Like I have to hide how I feel when I’m around them.   I’ve never had a problem with alcohol but now whenever I do go out with friends I can’t be a “happy drunk” like I always used to be.   Now it seems I react the wrong way to anything anyone says and go nuts, and I truly can’t control this…   It’s so funny that when you drink anything your sad about or trying to forget comes out anyways.   This sadness has reached the point where I can’t be happy for people anymore.   I can’t be happy for happy couples or people who are in love…   Especially if they are a gay couple….   It’s intense jealousy that I feel and I wonder what in the hell did I do to deserve this?   Why can’t I just be normal?   I know I’m a good person with a good heart.  I don’t steal, I don’t lie and although I’m not religious I try to be a good person and rule my life by Karma, trying to accumulate good Karma as often as I can.  

This post might seem insanely selfish and self-absorbed to some, including myself sometimes…   However it is my life and all these awful thoughts play in my head, through my body, on a loop, over and over again, day in and day out….

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