i dont know why but i feel like my world is crashing. my days started to brighten until a few days ago for some reason. The only person that i can talk to about it is my boyfriend. whenever i have the urge i can talk to him and he’ll talk me through it and make me feel better,but now hes gonna be gone for a week because his mom isÂ going to California. I have tried taking an overdose before and it never worked,and my boyfriend helped me quit that,and is trying to help me stop cutting,but it has been a slow process. it doesnt help that my family is a jerk to me,have borderline personality disorder,have be pushed aside and used,and have trouble trusting people. i dont know what to do anymore. i try so hard to be happy,but it only lasts for so long….no matter what cutting is always in the back of my mind and i can just picture the knife cuttingÂ my flesh,and blood dripping along with scars on my neck and wrists. ive even had nightmares about it and can sometimes just “feel” like the knife is there. Ive had people suggest going to therapy,but my parents dont know about my….problem. not only that but i hate the thought of that. when i think of therapy i think of anti-depression pills and having someone who doesnt know me and doesnt need to know me,listen to my problems. I talk to my boyfriend about everything,but i feel bad for doing so because im probably just complaining….sigh he made me swear not to cut but its so difficult…
I don’t know why too.
I don’t know if you are a helper or just someone needing help, or just someone needs to talk.
You have a vivid mind with clear thoughts. How come you don’t know?
You seem to be the kind knowing what you want.
But if really a hand that you need, please tell what’s really underneath of you.
Well, just kinda wrote this to get it out and to get some advice.I talk to my bf alot and it helps,but it can get really hard to explain,like he tries to understand,but sometimes he just misses the point i would be trying to make. I mean its not his fault. he hasnt had these problems before. and i cant talk to my friends about it because i still want them to see me as a happy person.
i have a very active imagination,and am very frusterated because all my daydreams have done is make me picture cutting…not recovering. i have no idea why i havent been able to piece everything together,because usually i do know what i want,but now im just lost…im stuck between cutting and not having to go through this,or to keep trying and keep my word to my bf.
You seem to emphasize that it’s the cutting pictures always in your head that you can’t get rid of.
There are 3 main types.
Experiences that imprinted in your sub-conscious mind, sometimes extraordinary events will bring them back.
Such as a teenager suddenly turn into a ….. sucker because he tasted the raw beef or licked his wound brought back the memory of the time during first-born tasting the first drop of ….. from his mother’s wound instead of the first taste of milk, and this is an obsession.
Or your receptacles of brains are mal-functioning that need medication; usually is to reconnect the left brain receptacles for better decision making or to disconnect the right brain receptacles for lesser imaginary stuff.
Sometimes numbing of fingers can tell the mal-functioning at the opposite side of brain, caused by bad circulation of blood.
Or unexplained mysterious things you have encountered that is termed negative that influencing you have to be expelled.
If this is the case, usually will feel cold or cold and then hot at intervals, detected by feeling these at the forehead.
Or may be just as simple as ‘hate’. A simple but naive and passive way to fight against parents, or others mistreating you.
The enemy became yourself to fight against. That’s why cutting yourself. A 2-years child will intentionally wet the bed to fight against the adults for not listening to their cries.
i guess your right about the whole hate thing. i used to always fight with my mother about my stress saying that im just complaining or something like that then she would go out to drink,and she never really listened…but if that is it how am i supposed to make it stop? i mean its not like my mother is going to act like well…a mom anytime soon,and there is no way im telling her about my cutting. and what if the images stop,but the urges continue?
If the urges continue?
You are thinking too much. you must start eliminating unnecessary thoughts by yourself. Steps by steps. It’s your duty.
Work on something. Clean dishes or walking, something like that. You are the most needed helper to yourself.
You don’t dream of buying a house, next to which movie star, and eat lunch with which singer, while school is not finished yet. That’s called daydreaming.
Every one has their own problems. Even your mom. Can she have boyfriend, if you have one. Can she flirt with guys if she is single?
Will she ask man to come over if you are home?
I believe you can make your mother cry with uncontrolled tears if you kneel down and say ‘Mother, I’m sorry to have hurt you all the time.
I know now. Please forgive me! I’m no good of being a daughter.’
Your mother will squeeze your arms so tight without words that you will be suffocated with love.
I think, the suicide thing will all disappear from you when this bridge is mended.
i have had tha same nightmare before.and i got helped through it by my exx boyfriend believe it or not..because my boyfriend iz never there he iz alwayz going to his friends house.but when i alwayz g to his house he alwayz wantz to make out..n when he doez that it makez me want to cut again because i think he iz ignoring me…buh i get away and go to hiz bathroom..and i start agan….buh ther jus small onez…than he askz why i did it..and i said because itz addicting and i feel tha pain inside and out…and he sais…well stop because people are going to think you are so emoed out..and i say..well you and my exx are tha only onez that know about it..so you kant tell anyone..buh i have stopped for like 2weekz now..and tha cutz are there forver.and i get cravingz every once and a while…..buh i never go back..buh i have a feeling i am guna slip..and start…buh he will help me through….