I hate myself sooo much!!!!!

  August 22nd, 2009 by kiwigirl41

Hi,

I am feeling quite depressed atm.  I am under a mental health team and have a keyworker and a CSW(community support worker) the latter whom I had a falling out with a few weeks ago.  I feel as though I am being pressured into just putting up with her demeaning  and negative attitude towards me so that I will “keep the peace” between service providers.  I grew up in an abusive household and was also bullied at school, home and then at work, where I remained putting up with insults about my weight, etc for most of the 15 years I worked…… I have tried suicide numerous times the last few being in November last year and again in Jan/Feb of this year.  I went into a coma on one attempt, so came pretty close…. At the moment I just don’t feel like things are going to get any better, I am totally at a loss as to what direction I want my life to go in. I constantly feel as if people are judging me and that I am not good enough.  As for my CSW my keyworker had already agreed to take me for an appointment last week and when she heard about my csw she rang me and said she couldn’t take me but could meet me and bring me home.  I found out from her student that her story was a lie(she had said she had a funeral to go to) it happened earlier in the day and so she could have picked me up, as the student said they had done other things afterwards.

My history already makes it hard for me to trust people and this has just made me distrust my keyworker now.  I’ve been saving up pills and I am getting to the point of wanting to end it all……..which may be soon.

My sister also had the audacity to tell my niece who is only 14 that I attempted suicide and gave her all the details which I felt was inappropriate and now I feel guilty as she has now been disposed to the idea of suicide and just for the record my sister is no angel, she abuses my niece and neglects her to the point that she actually lost custody of her 4 years ago but now my niece has returned to live with her and I just worry for her as shes a neat kid, but my sister can be a real *****…..catty…….backstabbing…….and generally doesn’t really car about her daughters safety…. all she could talk about was she couldnt wait for her to turn 14 so she could legally be left at home unsupervised( her mum had her every 2nd weekend) and most weekends she either ended up at my home or my Mums home.

Sorry about the rant, just had to get some stuff off my chest………….feel as though no-one really cares, so what is the point of going on….:O(

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