I really never wanted to write a post on this website.Â Or I guess I do it’s just that I hate it when people judge me but oh well.Â It’s not like I have anything more to lose anyway so here goes…
I just don’t understand why dying is such a bad thing.Â I really don’t get it.Â Like why does everyone act like I’m such a freak just because I don’t want to live anymore?Â Is it because life really is supposed to be this wonderful perfect happy gift that never stops giving?Â Well if thats the case then I should really kill myself because my whole life is a f*cking mess and therefore should be terminated. Â
Every night I pray until I fall asleep that I’ll never wake up and of course I always do.Â It’s extremely frustrating.Â Especially since it’s the only wish I have and I can’t even have that granted while so many other people have the perfect life with the smitten boyfriend/husband, kids, friends, loving family that always accepts them.Â It’s gotten to the point where it takes hours to fall asleep and almost hours for me to even get out of bed.Â I have to mix whisky with orange juice almost every morning just to motivate myself enough just to get out of the house which that remedy won’t last much longer either since I only have a limited supply and I can’t buy anymore without a fake ID which I have no idea where to find that…plus I’m too much of a wimp.Â I’m scared I’ll get in trouble again.Â I already have fines and community service that were due almost more than a month ago that I haven’t even started.Â And I can’t tell my parents because they sure as hell won’t help me and will probably just make it worse by rubbing it in and constantly giving me a hard time about it.
It’s all so hopeless.Â I’ve felt this way since as long as I can remember.Â the first time I can remember wanting to kill myself was in the fourth grade and the feeling has never left me.Â The funny thing is, I was the biggest goody two shoes.Â I went to a “awesome” christian school.Â Never had a sip of alcohol in high school.Â Never tried drugs or slept around ever.Â And life still just sucked…big time.Â Even though the drugs and alcohol help me now, it’s a pretty expensive (not to mention illegal) lifestyle so in a way I guess it’s really not making things a lot easier.Â I don’t know what to do anymore.Â I’m just so miserable all of the time and its just not fair that I have to go through this when I feel like over all I’m an honest and nice person while the backstabbers and hypocrites are the ones who always have the charmed and wonderful life.Â I know I know, no ones life is perfect so even the backstabbers and hypocrites have hard and difficult times in life blah, blah, blah, but I know for a fact that none of them struggle as much as I do.Â They probably don’t have a hard time just getting out of bed in the morning because they always have so many wonderful things in their life.Â None of them probably cry themselves to sleep every night because they feel so alone. In fact, they’re phones are usually constantly ringing off the hook with friends and lovers who think that they are the whole world and would do anything for them to like them back.Â And the most infuriating thing of all is that yeah they probably do feel depressed and go through a month or so of hard times but it always seems like somehow, fate works out perfectly for them and they come out from the struggle even better off than they were before while I have had a lifetime of struggles that never cease.Â Not a single break for me.Â It’s so unfair I can’t take it anymore. Â
Hopefully it will end soon and maybe, if fate loves me enough, I will wake up dead tomorrow, free from all the pain.Â
Sorry this was meant to be a simple post and of course I ended up ranting so thank you for bearing with me if you actually did read the whole thing.