I never felt like I would FEEL so suicidal

  August 6th, 2009 by steveagain2

I’ve felt low. I’ve felt empty. I’ve felt alone. I’ve even felt like I wanted to end my life. But it wasn’t until a few days ago I actually felt the need and…preparation to kill myself.

 

Lately I’ve felt hollow. Like I’m watching my life play out on auto-pilot without me interfering. I’ve been lying to my therapist and parents, slapping on a happy face and saying I’m alright when really I feel more low than I’ve ever imagined one could feel.

 

The reason is a girl who felt me. The story is a lot more detailed and tragic than just an ex leaving me, but I really want to spare you guys all the details. If I told the whole story right now, you would feel like you’re reading the fifth Harry Potter book because it’s so long and complicated.

 

I’m a virgin and I always wanted to wait until marriage to have sex because those are just the morals I was raised with. Now I’m going around chat rooms looking for “sex buddies” because I need to have that experience before I die. I promised to never take drugs or drink booze, but I’m doing that, too. I can’t sleep at night, but I can’t take sleeping pills because those cause me to have intense dreams that make me contemplate suicide before my date.

 

August 17th is when I’ve been planning to end my life. I’m going on a well-deserved vacation with my family before that and I want them to have a few last fun moments with me. It will crush them, but I really feel like there’s no alternative. I’m sick of talking to my therapist because she just wants me alive. It makes me feel like a vegetable.

 

I’m usually a much better writer than this, but I’m in a bit of a hurry. I guess I just needed to tell someone all this because I’m sick of wearing a mask in front of everyone.

 

I’ve got a spot picked out and two belts ready to hang myself with. Am I scared? Hell yeah I’m scared. But I kinda need to do this. OK?

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