I’ve felt low. I’ve felt empty. I’ve felt alone. I’ve even felt like I wanted to end my life. But it wasn’t until a few days ago I actually felt the need and…preparation to kill myself.
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Lately I’ve felt hollow. Like I’m watching my life play out on auto-pilot without me interfering. I’ve been lying to my therapist and parents, slapping on a happy face and saying I’m alright when really I feel more low than I’ve ever imagined one could feel.
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The reason is a girl who felt me. The story is a lot more detailed and tragic than just an ex leaving me, but I really want to spare you guys all the details. If I told the whole story right now, you would feel like you’re reading the fifth Harry Potter book because it’s so long and complicated.
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I’m a virgin and I always wanted to wait until marriage to have sex because those are just the morals I was raised with. Now I’m going around chat rooms looking for “sex buddies†because I need to have that experience before I die. I promised to never take drugs or drink booze, but I’m doing that, too. I can’t sleep at night, but I can’t take sleeping pills because those cause me to have intense dreams that make me contemplate suicide before my date.
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August 17th is when I’ve been planning to end my life. I’m going on a well-deserved vacation with my family before that and I want them to have a few last fun moments with me. It will crush them, but I really feel like there’s no alternative. I’m sick of talking to my therapist because she just wants me alive. It makes me feel like a vegetable.
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I’m usually a much better writer than this, but I’m in a bit of a hurry. I guess I just needed to tell someone all this because I’m sick of wearing a mask in front of everyone.
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I’ve got a spot picked out and two belts ready to hang myself with. Am I scared? Hell yeah I’m scared. But I kinda need to do this. OK?
7 comments
I hope that you’ll revise your decision, I hope that you’ll find a way to afford this crise. What is the morals you were rised with? Only to marry as a virgin? I am sure that there is some more, something like love for your family and your friends, love for life just like it is with all the pain and troubles that it gives us. You cannot really do it to your family. You cannot coldly plan their crush. You cannot be so cruel. Look for someone to talk with, if you think that your therapist is not helping you look for someone else. I am sure that there is a way out of the hell you are going through. The terrible pain that you feel can be stopped somehow. Do not give up.
I’m not sure what to say in response to you, because right now, I’ve just broken down and feel suicidal myself. But the only reason I can think I’m writing this right now is because, I don’t want you to end your life before you reach the possibility of a solution that could make you feel a bit (just a bit) better, and let time work its magic.
I’ve felt suicidal for a long time and like you, I am very scared too. I just keep thinking “what if”… what if I go, but there was actually something better lined up for me? I keep thinking to myself, suicide is a permanent solution, sounds good, but what if my problem is temporary?
Life just feels like such a drag, doesn’t it? This is like the blind leading the blind.
Look, I don’t want you to do this. I think you are stronger than this.
I am hoping your vacation will make you feel loved and wanted.
Instead of trying death, why not try disappearing first – go to a different country, change your identity. just disappear and start over. That’s my plan. I’m going to leave the old me behind, some day soon.
Remember, it’s a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
you sound like me….. wish we could talk…. best wishes
Please don’t do it. Just please don’t. I know I don’t have any words of wisdom or anything good to say and I’m sorry. Just please don’t.
:/ August 17th is very close ..
DONT GIVE UP U CAN FIGHT IT LISTEN TO THE VOICE IN YOUR MIND SCREAMING OUT THE TRUTH DONT DO IT YOUR JUST HURTING YOURSELF THERS NO USE TO IT (pleas dont do it)
To all of the young people on this site contemplating suicide, please listen: LIFE GETS INFINITELY BETTER IN YOUR 20’s. The dating gets better because people grow up and are nicer to each other, your options for life grow exponentially–you’ll have friends, freedom, and adventures. Seriously. Talk to someone, take up jogging, change your country and identity, but please don’t kill yourselves before you reach 20. You’ll seriously miss out on the best part.