it will never be OK…

  August 11th, 2009 by neverbeok

“I wish you were dead”, and “I hope you burn in hell..” were the last things I said to my mother. She died 8 days later. She wasn’t even sick, as far as anyone knew. I mean, how was I supposed to know that she would really die. Had no idea those words would eventually become my life, my world. I wish I were dead, and I am in a burning hell every second of every God forsaken day of what has become known as my “life”. I’ll be 32 this week.  I live with, (mooch off of) my father, who lets me because he also knows just how pathetic and useless I am. I’m openly gay, and have been for most of my life. I’ve never been in what you would call a “relationship.” What I mean is that I have been in love, or what I think was love, but I have never been good enough for anyone to love back. Sure I have friends who love me, and my family, but the human touch, or lack thereof, goes a long way. The loneliness is so intense sometimes I want to burst into flames, or like turn to dust and just kinda disappear. But we all know that’s not going to happen. I could never be so lucky. So I will continue with this facade, keeping everyones fear of my self-destruction on the back burner for one more day. Smile when I’m absolutely DYING inside. Laugh while I’m SCREAMING in agony without making a sound. It just gathers at the base of my throat, with sadness and guilt, like a piece of bread with no water. Hoping, begging, praying, willing to do anything to ease the constant suffering. I know, poor, poor, pitiful me. Don’t think that this never ending battle against myself isn’t exhausting, because it is. I guess that’s what led me to this site.  I just never thought it would turn out like this. I actually had hope that one day I would figure out what was wrong with me, and well, fix it. Never happened. Turns out it’s not so simple. There’s more to it than a night in shining armor. God, I wish I had the balls to go through with it. But then with my luck, I’d be just as lonely on the other side. Who knows??

In closing, I would just like to make one request. Will everyone who reads this please ask God to make it stop, or less painfull, or at least let me know what I did that pissed him off so bad. Because one thing is for sure, something’s gotta give. I’m felling closer to crazy than ever before. Which is pretty damn close.

But what’s the use, IT WILL NEVER BE OK.

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