I’ve been “struggling” with depression since I was nine; I’m thirty-three now. I have been on hundreds of medications and finished sixteen rounds of ECT (8 unilateral, 8 bilateral) in May. Long story short, things are not better.
I feel a huge amount of guilt and fear about leaving my husband behind, but I can no longer distract myself from the fact that I want it to end and it doesn’t seem that is going to happen. I have been severely depressed, unable to go to school, unable to even bathe, for three and a half years now. I love my husband more than I knew I could ever love someone and I have stuck around this long for him, but I don’t know how much longer I can keep up the charade. I am so scared of what this will do to him, but I just don’t have the strength anymore. It may sound horrible, but I even get scared that he’ll forget me and find out that he didn’t need me after all.
I can’t talk to anyone without getting the standard, “don’t do it.” Please don’t respond with that. Please respond if you’re there, and can converse with me about what I’m feeling and thinking without judging and making it about saving me. I just want to talk to someone that understands.
Oh, and there is nothing wrong in my life. My life is perfect. It’s what’s inside that I can’t deal with anymore. I have not lost people, I don’t think I’m stupid. I haven’t had a good day in years is the problem. I’ve tried EVERY treatment, EVERY therapy, EVERY other option.
I think at some point in time, lots of people think that way. Or maybe we’re just special? It doesn’t matter if your life is perfect. You just feel this way. I understand that. If you need anything, I’m willing to listen. I just spent my day talking to a friend, and even if I never told him I had thoughts of killing myself, the fact that he was there to listen made me feel a little lighter. He doesn’t understand, but it did help a little. It doesn’t stop the feeling. But a little help is more than enough to temporarily make you feel better.
Here to talk if you want. I agree thats its frustrating, most of the time down right infuriating to hear the same ‘life is worth it’ garbage over and over. Its not what we need to hear. No more hollow advice. All we need is someone to understand and acknowledge how we feel. Id like to be that for you if you’ll let me. email@example.com
Hi, that is very sad.
And unfair, I wish to add, although I know there is no justice per se in this world. Why do you want to leave your husband? It is probably because you feel bad or nothing at all day to day, but being alone it won t get better.
In the past I left my girlfriend because I “felt” that it is no OK, or better say I felt empty – grown in culture that is focused that one must feel strong, constant and nice feelings toward to person in relationship – I though my relationship was not OK. I was depressed that time, and I was not fully aware of it, and that was the reason, not my relationship – this I know for sure now. I was not feeling any better after that – only that break up helped my to fully realize that it was the depression and what it can do to you, how it can alter your feelings and also your reasoning.
Just my thought, I wish you really to get better and to just feel fine!
I know what it’s like, wanting to end the pain. I’m only twelve, but have suffered way too much. I have one friend, and it doesn’t seem like even she cares about what I have to say. I can’t tell my parents cuz they think depression and suicide are total jokes. In fact, I haven’t actually been happy since I was three or four. I just haven’t been this upset until now. I’m not going to try to stop you (I have learned that I have no power over anyone). It gets tiring hearing my so-called friend saying if I kill myself, she’ll ressurect me and kick my ass. So I know what you mean about people stopping you.
It’s sometimes easier to blame yourself than to deal with a horrible situation that you feel like you can’t change.
You can’t change other people – you can only change yourself. But blaming yourself for what other people do is also not right. You are only responsible for your own actions.
You say “Oh, and there is nothing wrong in my life. My life is perfect.”
A person who has been depressed since she was nine years old and ‘hasn’t had a good day in years’ does not have a perfect life.
Do you know what cognitive dissonance is? It means saying one thing while doing the opposite; believing one thing while the opposite is what’s true.
It’s also a massive denial of reality.
People use denial to escape reality when reality becomes too painful to bear. Suicide is a way to escape that pain.
But there are other ways: You can look at your life and say, “This is causing me pain. I want the pain to stop. What can I do to end this pain?”
Right now you think killing yourself is the only way.
But there are other changes you can make. Such as leaving this man who is such a massive energy drain.
“but I even get scared that heâ€™ll forget me and find out that he didnâ€™t need me after all.”
It sounds like you feel really unappreciated by this person that you’ve put so much time and energy into.
Think of a relationship as being like a bank account. If only one person puts money in, but both people take money out, how does that feel to the person putting all the money in?
I’m suggesting that you’re in a one-way relationship and it’s wearing you down. And you probably are afraid to get angry about it because he’s made it clear that he’s too fragile to handle it.
He’s created a trap for you, and you’re stuck in it. The only way out is to leave him, to walk away.
Killing yourself is just a way to try to get the pain to stop, the pain of somebody treating you like this.
But you don’t have to kill yourself – you can get really pissed at him and put yourself as number one in your life instead.
People like this are parasites. They will drain you dry. They will sap all your energy leaving you with absolutely nothing until you want to kill yourself.
They say that depression is anger turned inwards.
Turn the anger outward instead: Use it as a knife to cut away the dead wood of this unhealthy relationship that is making you so miserable.
It will be hard; it may be painful. But it is what you need to do so that *you* can be healthy.
Always putting your own feelings and needs last is what makes people depressed. You feel like your own feelings don’t matter, that you’re not important.
Guess what? You didn’t learn this all by yourself – your parents taught it to you when you were a little child, and you’ve carried the pattern with you into every relationship since then.
They taught you (whether directly or indirectly) that your feelings didn’t matter, that your thoughts, ideas and opinions were unimportant; that you shouldn’t speak your mind because it was an inconvenience to everybody around you.
The only way out of this trap is to say no. Say no to the parasites; say no to the people who bring you down and dismiss your feelings.
Say yes to yourself. Say yes to freedom and happiness and getting rid of all the people in your life who bring you down.
It sounds frustrating, some thoughts can never be completly changed but if you focus on something else or distract yourself by perhaps making someone else happy, like your husband you might think of other things for a while.
As a guy who was recently dumped, I empathize with your husband, but you have to let him go if you know what is right.
I lie to everybody I know about my depression. I wish I had the strength that I am asking you to have.
My life is also easy and good. That’s the fucking trap we fall into. We think we shouldn’t be complaining about shit that other people would be seemingly thrilled with.
But, dude, they don’t fucking get it. I wish I could shrug off what is making me fucked. we can’t.
You’ve been through the pits. You’ve suffered from an intractable depression for 24 years. you have had several rounds of electroshock, and you feel neither that nor the medications you’ve tried are working.
That is a tough place to be. Most of us have been there — exhausted, too tired to bath, work, or leave the house.
But you do have, even in this tough place, a few positive things: you love your husband, and believe that he loves you.
You have a lot of strength — you’ve managed to survive for 24 years with chronic depression.
So you have two factors going for you.
Now your life is in your own hands. No one can tell you what to do with it. But it might be very hard on your husband if you “left” now.
Here is a webpage with messages from spouses and family members left behind when a “loved one” suicided:
They miss their family members.
I know that you have tried many types of medications, therapies, and treatments. It is very demoralizing.
If you have a therapist/counselor, consider asking for information about the new field of positive psychology.
Many therapists/counselors are not yet aware of it, but it has helped some people with very serious depressions.
Also, consider that new medications and treatments are discovered all the time. Somewhere, in a scientist’s lab, there may be a new medication not yet out on the market that will be the one for you.
And fall back on the basics: watch comedies on TV, DVD and the internet. Try to read cheerful, optimistic news and books.
If you can, try to go for walks. Exercise really helps.
The rest of us know how you feel, and we’ve been there. We hope that what we offer you might have some relevance.
If you have any type of spirituality, try meditation or prayer.
If you have any interest in writing, try journaling about what you are going through.
Best wishes for your recovery, which is still possible.
Struggling to Survive (been there)
How are you doing? Fine, or not? I worry about you.
I can walk with you, only have to tell me if you need a hand.