I’ve been “struggling” with depression since I was nine; I’m thirty-three now. I have been on hundreds of medications and finished sixteen rounds of ECT (8 unilateral, 8 bilateral) in May. Long story short, things are not better.
I feel a huge amount of guilt and fear about leaving my husband behind, but I can no longer distract myself from the fact that I want it to end and it doesn’t seem that is going to happen. I have been severely depressed, unable to go to school, unable to even bathe, for three and a half years now. I love my husband more than I knew I could ever love someone and I have stuck around this long for him, but I don’t know how much longer I can keep up the charade. I am so scared of what this will do to him, but I just don’t have the strength anymore. It may sound horrible, but I even get scared that he’ll forget me and find out that he didn’t need me after all.
I can’t talk to anyone without getting the standard, “don’t do it.” Please don’t respond with that. Please respond if you’re there, and can converse with me about what I’m feeling and thinking without judging and making it about saving me. I just want to talk to someone that understands.
Oh, and there is nothing wrong in my life. My life is perfect. It’s what’s inside that I can’t deal with anymore. I have not lost people, I don’t think I’m stupid. I haven’t had a good day in years is the problem. I’ve tried EVERY treatment, EVERY therapy, EVERY other option.