I am not sure who will see this, are if they will care. Everyday I have consider how to end this pain, the empty feellings that are in my heart . I am sure it will be by pills I hope I have enough. I have wanted for so long to talk to someone and empty out my soul to. But I think God is tired of my tears, if I were he I know I would. I feel so tired of trying, putting on the smiles saying I’m ok. But I am not ok. I take care of my edlery father and I have 2 cats in a small one bedroom appartment. I go home and clean , cook pick up after everyone then I go to sleep. I wake up cook, pick up after everyone then I go to work. This has been my life for 10 years now. I know I sound selfish, but is this what I have to look forward to for the rest of my life. Is it worng to want a husband, children and to be content. I want peace of mind , no more tears no more pain.
6 comments
I read it, and I bet a lot more people will. My life is slightly different from yours, but it is similar. I also get tired of the daily routine. I go to work, come home, repeat to infinity with minor variations.
What I am trying may work for you. I think you should take control of your life. Instead of waiting for a guy to come along, seek one out. Aim for that life that you want, that you feel you deserve. You might be afraid of rejection or maybe you’re shy, but if you’re ready to end your life, then you’ve got nothing to lose and everything to gain. I know so many guys who are looking for a decent woman, so I’m sure there is a man out there for you who wants the things that you do.
You don’t sound selfish at all. You sound like you are totally sacrificing your own needs.
You were not put on this earth to take care of your father. Your father was put on this earth to take care of *you*, that is the natural order of things. But somehow this order got reversed for you.
This is not your fault, and you are not responsible for the situation. All you can do is think how to get out of it, without feeling guilty.
Does your father feel guilty? Does he appear to consider your needs? Or does he just take you for granted?
Do you feel like his servant and slave, or do you feel appreciated?
Does he help you when he can? Does he ask how you’re doing?
Relationships need to be two-way streets. If they are not, then you need to get out.
I recently stopped speaking to my 73-year-old mother because she is so selfish. I have stopped seeing her, speaking to her, sending her cards or anything.
For all I know she may cut me out of her will, but I don’t care. I cannot live my life with this parasite any more. She doesn’t care whether I have a life of my own or whether *I’m* happy – she only cares about herself.
So. I have walked away from her.
Can your father take care of himself at all? I would suggest you gradually stop doing things for him that he can do for himself. He is not a child – he is your *father*! He may be lonely or sad, but that doesn’t mean you should give up *your* needs for him.
Find the middle way – the balanced path that allows for *your* needs.
Start paying attention to how selfish your father is. Stop feeling sorry for him and start feeling sorry for yourself! Meaning, start taking care of yourself first, and let your father do some of the work too.
Tell him you are going out one night a week to go – dancing, or whatever. Do something that is only for you, that makes you happy, that has nothing to do with your father.
You will have to train him to consider your needs, because right now he is used to you always putting him first. It may not be easy; it may be impossible.
If you can find a way to put him in a home or get somebody to come into your home and care for him – if you can afford this, you must do it, or something like it. Because you do not exist on this earth to be somebody’s slave!
If you feel guilty, think about it: How guilty does your *father* feel about you giving up your life for him? Does he ever consider your needs?
Don’t sacrifice yourself for him if he’s being selfish. Only give yourself to people who give you at least as much in return.
ever thought of on-line dating? even if you don’t get a long term relationship out of it, at leats lookign forward to dates a few nights a month will refresh you. it’ll be exciting to get dressed nicer than usual and to get affection from someone. itll make you feel more human again and not some robot that goes through the motions of daily routine.
and one more thing, age doesn;t matter in on-line dating i’ve seen women of all ages on these sites, just don’t lie on them, post your real photo all dolled up and be as positive as possible on the date. 😉
listen here lady, i feel for you, not because of what your going through, but because i know that feeling, that exact feeling weighing your heart down.
BUT, are you trying to find a partner, if you feel shy about it just think for every ten blokes you try to talk to……… theres the law of averages, just think you have nothing to lose and EVERYTHING to gain,,,,, trust me… i know.
if you see a nice bloke ANYWHERE make conversation,, you never know.
Take care.
I’m young I’m 18 years old so ill understand if you pass this up. but I’ve tried to kill myself and succeded for 5 minutes. but after my incedent I relized if one person even seemed like they gave a dam I wouldn’t have tried. so here I am trieng my best to give hope to the hope less to reach my hand into the utter darkness and pull back some poor person that’s there with me. and who know maybe one day some one will do the same for me. but let me say life is a challenge and after reading yours it sounds like a bigger challenge than others. but what your doing is great you put yourself behind others and you should take some form in pride in that. u have something most human beings lack these days. I don’t like to preach how the lord will make things better in time cus when I was dead I didn’t see anything of the sort. but I will tell you this. the world of full of fucked up people. and those people often than not have it better than the good people like you. but what people like you have is hope. sure it may seam small but its there. u have to find it grab it and hold on to it.. I’m young so what do I know.. but I do care for a fellow person in pain. if u ever need to reach me my emails bigdamb3ar@aim.com.. helps out there. Even if its a little at a time