August 22nd, 2009 by Death by Boredom

So never done this before but fuck it, the spelling and the grammer too. Grew up the oldest of six. Mom probably never wanted me and don’t remember many memories of Dad except for them fighting and all of the unhappiness. Felt like a daddys girl but whatever. Went to church alot when I was a preteen and yes, i still believe in God. Good girl until about 14, started hanging out with loners and troubled kids because I was so insecure that the other kids didnt like me. Always insecure, thats me. Mom and Dad divorced around 10 and mom remarried to a verbally abusive asshole meth and pot head. She had 5 kids already living in a 3 bedroom apt and had a kid with the asshole. Dude was always a dick. I was constanly punished, yelled at, spanked…. mom didnt care just let him do it to all of us. *****. finally moved out of the apt to a house. new school, insecure, blah blah. did fine until about 16 was grounded all of the time. started drinking and smokin pot a little here and there. got suspended from school twice for alcohol. had to do the classes. theft at 17 the bon marche… needed clothes mom was poor. i worked from the age of 16 til now, 27. worked my ass off… broke. always broke. graduated high school. joined the army. abused mentally by those people called fat blah blah i am sure you may have heard army stories. it is what they do i know. got married at 19 went to war. came back husband cheated with over a dozen women spent most of my money on crack. tryed to get him help he was extremely abusive mentally and emotionally. left his ass. 5 years later he still wont sign the papers. moved back home to moms at 22. what a shit hole. she stopped raising the kids after she left my step dad.. i was 19. so… started giving my 3 bros the support they needed. Went on a year long drinking and partying binge lost 70 lbs. went to college got half of my aa done. quit going.met my boyfriend. had fun for awhile . he had no ambition did not work and basically didnt for many of the 4 years we have been together. I have always paid for EVERYTHING.  he is not abusive though. just sucks the money outta me. just started a new business w my sister. she quit. boyfriend is my business partner now. he is a pot head. i pay for it. stupid me. i never laugh, been treated for depression loads of times, counseling, drugs, God, mood swings like crazy all of the time, crying spells, sleep alot or not enough, weight gain, moods happy sad and repeat. dont talk to the family anymore, have no friends, boyfriend plays halo all of the time, all of the time, in fact i am sitting at work after close while he is at a buddys playing halo. wanna cry. i have goals and dreams and aspirations but have no energy to do any of it. wanna say fuck it but i know God has a plan 4 me. bored. never happy. never do anything but work. boyfriend never likes to go out. never buys me anything. feel fat and worthless. need to  lose 30 lbs. 4 years with him…….blah. bored. whatever. this doesnt really help makes me wanna cry. have separation issues, miss my dad. grandpa just died. lonely. my gma is prolly lonlier. live at work literally. have no home. have no money. smoke apack aday. drug free minus the ocasionally antianxiety pill. want one now but i will sleep all night. slept 12 hrs yesterday. sleep is my only option. wtf. dont want more counseling. got it when grandpa died all my family called me psycho and crazy. i took care of him on his death bed, seen lots of death but never cared for a dying family member. no one cares. no one. i am alone. in my own self pity….. worthless feeling. need a hug buthave no one to hug. i have always had so much love to give but bArely get any back.  always bored and unhappy…………………………………………………………………………….death by boredom.

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