To start off, i’ve had a history of mental disorders and depression issues for countless years of my life, but never thought of committing suicide. My grandmother committed suicide before i was born, and i saw how it effected my mother, and my grandfather, and never ever wanted to do that to someone else. No matter how bad it got, i stuck in there.
On December 7, 2007, My best friend committed suicide. I wasn’t aware of any deep trauma or depression in her, so of course, it came as a total shock. I can still remember where i was, what i was doing, and who i was with when i recieved the phone call on my cell phone. I was in such a state of shock that i didnt even cry, but i was speechless. I didnt want to believe it at first, so i told the girl that called me not to mess with me like that. In my heart, i knew she wouldn’t mess with me like that, but my brain didnt register. For the next couple days after that, i didnt cry either. I wondered, what is wrong with me? do i not care about her? why am i not crying like everyone else. Then at her wake and funeral, i kept my composure for the most part because i wanted to be strong for her. I wanted her to know even though i loved and missed her, everything was going to be okay. When i got home from the funeral, i broke down. I broke down so bad that it made my mother cry.
Again, after that, i was majorly depressed and had thought about suicide myself but knew i’d never do that to anyone. I knew how it hurt now, I knew what my mom had gone through so many years before and i promised i wouldn’t resort to that.
That was until the February after. I don’t really know what came over me, but i tried to overdose. I told my friend that i was with what i had done, and she called my other friend and told her what had happened. They rushed over to my aid. I was taken to the ER and then put into an inpatient psychiatric facility for the next week. I came out feeling refreshed and okay. They had put me on medications. I thought this was the end of it, but i was wrong.
Throughout the next couple of months, i tried it several more times, including slicing my wrists, putting myself deliberately into very dangerous situations hoping somebody would hurt me, and trying to strangle myself. After each attempt, i felt guilty so i told. I’ve been in almost every inpatient facility in my area, and nothing had helped. I was confused, scared, and alone.
Things had been okay, until a year after the first attempt. When i ate 300 ibuprofens. This attempt was one of the most significant in my memory because after this, my friends had deserted me. All but one. I saw my true friends that day. I was so alone, and so depressed that i stopped talking to the one person that wanted to help me. I felt that i didnt deserve a friend like that, and i didnt wanna bring her down with me. Everyone was better off without me.
Not every single time that i was put into an inpatient facility was for a direct attempt, some were for threats.
Things were okay for 5 months after that.
Then, i broke down again. I consumed 75 Tylenol, almost 4 times the lethal dose. and waited 2 hours to tell anyone about it. If i had waited any longer i would have died a painful death, of liver failure, and bleeding among things.
I want whoever reads this to know that i am not writing this because i am cured, and i am better. Because that is so far from the truth. I struggle every day with suicidal thoughts, actions, and even suicidal words. I really am on the brink of another episode, and although i’ve been every where i can go for help, i dont know where to turn. Thank you.
omg, im so sorry who ever you may be. dont take any more pills please. i dont even know you and i dont want you to. it hurts when you have no one here to help you. im not going to say much because i dont want to be a played out record. but you need to talk to someone, someone you can trust, someone who really cares. talk about your problems and if you think your going to pop pills again, pick up that phone and call that person instead and talk to them about why you want to do it and maybe it will help.
Why have you never tried Vicodin? opiates would do the trick as in heath ledger , MJ, and anna nicole smith etc “accidental” deaths. They are very powerful. You could try buying heroin and overdosing. i know this may seem terrible to encourage or give ideas to someone but I truly believe in empowering people who have the right to die painlessly and peacefully. This is how I want to go. I am having allot of trouble sourcing these things but its a plan. Even if I have to travel overseas to get them.
I totally understand your pain. Although I haven’t tried pills, I have also put myself in situations that should have killed me. They didn’t. I have long looked for some quick and painless method of suicide. I do google searches. I think I want to know what I can do…but like you I will never do it as my family has been through suicide and I couldn’t knowingly cause them that kind of pain again (as bitter as I am that I have to stay alive for THEM). I want to have the option handly because somehow this helps me get through the day/minute/second. As I type I want to go home and off myself. I have lived with depression for 20+ years and have tried meds, therapists, etc. I am sooooo tired of people saying talk to someone or try this. I have tried it all and live in daiy misery.
I can relate to your comment db3464, the thought that I could just die any moment does give me some sort of relief at times. Sometimes, just the thought isn’t really enough though. Right now, I’m trying to do disassociation, looking at myself as if it’s not really me living this life, like I’m a character in a movie and I’m here because I’m supposed to be here, I don’t want to be where I am, but I/someone need me to be here. It has consoled me for the last couple of days, hopefully ‘the calm before the storm’ is longer this time. At least, I don’t have to think about myself anymore, I just watch the movie.
Yura I am sorry that you can relate as this thing called depression is the worst thing I can imagine. I like your movie idea. Your calm before the storm reminds me of how I sometimes feel better in the storm than in the calm. The calm gives me this sick feeling of impending doom. Lately I am in the storm. I sit at work fighting tears and no one knows how hard it is to keep a job when you have no desire to get out of bed each day. I wish I could say I see some light at the end of all of this, but I simply don’t. For me, I am not a religious person so I feel like this is all for naught.
Itâ€™s not worth it. Trust me. Nothing bad can ever happen in life thatâ€™s worth killing yourself. I fell into depression last year. I thought things would never change. Everything became as worse as it could have. I tried to kill myself. I was alone in the dorm room and overdosed on more than a hundred pills. I was knocked out in minutes. Next thing I know was that I woke up in the psychiatric ward 2 days later. Apparently, somehow someone on my floor found me lying outside my door. I have no idea how I got outside. Only God knows. He does exist. This is just His test on our lives. I thought things would never improve. I was in the psych unit for a week. When I left, I still felt depressed and suicidal for months. I would cry every night in the bathroom holding a knife in my hand. But I clung on. I held on for my life. I gave it a chance. Today, Iâ€™m steadily improving mentally. My suicidal thoughts are gone. Iâ€™m still a little depressed at times. But itâ€™s only been 6 months. It takes time. Trust me. Youâ€™re going to be perfectly fine soon enough. You just have to stay strong. Iâ€™m only 18 years old and that one night was the worst decision of my life. The pain I inflicted on my family is unbearable. People do care about you. Itâ€™s just that thereâ€™s chemicals due to meds and just so much shit going on in our brains that we canâ€™t control. If you and I can get through this part of our lives, we can get through anything. Email me if you would like to talk to me at firstname.lastname@example.org. Stay strong. Never give up. I donâ€™t even know you and I care about you just because I was like you at one point and after months I understand that nothing in my life is worth it to give away my life. Please believe in my words. I can help you overcome this. Please email me!
Numerous I really identify with your experiences. Please stay strong and believe that you are on this earth for a reason. You are special and loved. If you ever just want to talk or need to vent, I am always available. My email Bekki70@aol.com and if you send me a message I will gladly give you my phone number so we can talk. A compassionate and friendly voice is always a big comfort.
Please don’t lose hope and reach out for help when the burdens become too much to bear.