i’m 25, no job, no car, no home, with a child, no friends, i havent lef the hosue in one year (literally not walked outt he door), been through this before, when i was 18 didnt leave for 3 years, i’m severely suicical, i’m almost there, my depression was a seeed that slowly over years grew to this point, no turning back and what’s the one thing i hear over and over? ” suicide is a permanent solution to temporary problems” well hey how about this-i’m suicidal not because i lost my job, or my husband left me, or because of some other bullshit reason i’m suicidal because i have a DEFORMITY. a non curable deformity of the skin, no meds for it, no hope. how aboutthat? how the fuck is my DEFORMITY a fucking temporary problem?
Â i have FORCED myself to be alive this long, i fucking REFUSE to go another 25 years with it. i will not be a victim to karma and god’s torturous plan on me. i don;t deserve this. i never asked for this. nothign in my short life is deserving of this. what now? no one;s advice can help me, no words of encouragement can help me, no therapist or psychaitrist or psychologist can help me BECAUSE I’M FUCKING ABNORMAL!!! “hope” and “thinking positive” doesnt change my fucking physical appearance and health.Â fuck life.
i will research gun laws in my city and hopefully use my son;s chikd support check that i got 2 days ago on a gun, few hundred bucks, i assume thats the price of a gun and shoot my face off, not gonna put the gun in my mouth and blow out the back of my head, i want my whole face to be fucking obliterated, i’m going to aim between my nose and eyes at a slightly upward angle and NO FUNERAL, i’m leaving a ntoe for my son when he gets older and the other will say no funeral, no casket, no ashes in an urn. i’ve already told my fam this over and over and they say “ohdont talk like that”. why shouldnt i talk like this, it’s reality…? anyway Â i want my body to be cremated and flushed down a toilet or thrown in a ditch then covered in dirt, or cut my body up and feed it to an animal. i have no life insuranceÂ no money , no plot, no money for a headstone and even if i did have that money i wouldnt want anything like that done. i;m a disgusting piece of shit.Â if i had it my wayÂ my body would beÂ raped,Â disembowled,Â and totallyÂ desecrated then put on displayÂ as embarssment towards me. put it on display with my name and information so everyone knowsÂ what a disgusting piece of shit i am, so everyone can see the deofmirty ive been hiding under myÂ clothes, so everyone can thrw up looking at my disgusting body.Â i deserve it.Â maybe i shoudl pay someone toÂ beat the shit out me after i die,
and Â i don’t care hwo it will affect my family, i dont care how it makes me a “coward” or “selfish”. and i dont’ care if anyone is “sorry” that i’m going through this. nothign can change this, nothing on earth. i’d love to see anyone else survive 25 years with a fucking deformity. thats enough. no more. the only thing that has stopped me from doing it so far is the pain of hanging on my neck. i have a branch picked out on this mesquite tree in the backyardÂ and i was gonna use a sheet as a noose, ive been tying it aroudn my neck when everyone goes to bed and pullig t as hard as i can over and over to get used to the feeling and it fucking hurts! i cant imagine when my body weight is pulling me down, fuck! i;d ratehr blow my brains out but if i cant get my hands on a gun the tree will have to do. i’m over it.