I’m 26 years old, smart, interesting, beautiful, and lately every guy I go out with falls in love with me. Even my ex-boyfriend leaves love letters and roses on my doorstep more days than not. I get exercise, and sunshine. I have a nice apartment and some decent friends. I was accepted recently to a presitigious graduate school. Yesterday I was supposed to meet with my advisor and choose my fall classes and then head back out to the woods where I am teaching at a wilderness survival summer camp for teenage boys and girls, but I found myself unable to enter the building. Wracked with indecision, I walked around the campus and sat on a bench then went back and and then sat in the car and cried, and then finally I decided to go inside, a few minutes late. I stifled my tears and asked where the office was, but then I couldn’t bring myself to go there.
I got in the car and drove back home. Then with much hesitation I drove all the way back to the school and found the Student Counseling office. I walked up to the door then turned around. I took a deep breath and walked back in. I asked if there was anyone I could see immediately. They said they were closed after July until the beginning of the new school year, and even so they wouldn’t have been able to talk to me if I wasn’t a summer student. They gave me a piece of paper with the name of some emergency clinics on it. I chose one not too far from my house and again drove there and walked in with much hesitation and trepidation. From eveything I’ve heard and read it seems that if I were sent to a psych ward the unhealthy atmosphere, shitty foods, and the drugs would leave me even crazier than before. I saw a counselor and a psychiatrist and they prescribed me prozac and sent me away since I said I didn’t really want to kill myself but I just felt fed up and didn’t know what else to do. Now I am at home hiding out. I haven’t taken prozac before but I have taken paxil, zoloft, and lexapro and none of them seemed to have much good effect, maybe like 5% good, but mostly just bad side effects. Lexapro was the worst because it seemed to leave me with persistent numbness in my clitoris that has not gone away even though it has been 4 years since I stopped taking it. I have read other accounts of this from antidepressants on the internet. I can orgasm but it is more difficult.
I’ve been depressed for 8 years, never a day of happiness. Well there was one moment where I went to the dentist and for some reason was quite relieved I did not have a cavity. That was the only moment I recall in all these years of feeling joyously unburdened. I cannot recall any specific traumas or abuses in early life but I have a long history of anxiety. I did not speak to anyone other than my parents, sister, and two friends until age 13. At age 18 I came down chronic back pain practically overnight due to the stress of school and my distress over our treatment of the environment since I was studing environmental science. After that my health continued to spiral downward and I suffer from fatigue, chronic infections, stomach problems, sexual dysfunction and the like. I can’t shake the feeling that  the fearful me that I think I am, that everyone knows, is just an accident, is not who I REALLY am and that I’m destined for much greater things.
I didn’t start out hopeless or suicidal. I have an open mind and (once had) a good deal of ambition. It is more like the hopelessness has been slowly drilled into my after years of trying and failing to recover my health and sanity. I have tried it all: western meds, naturopathic meds, psychotherapy, psychics, prayer, chiropractic, acupuncture, massage, energy medicine, shamanism, fasting and diets, yoga and meditation, positive thinking, not thinking (trying to remain in the present). I have no health insurance and approximately $15,000 in credit card debt from all this, and from not really being able to hold down a regular job. Lately I’ve tuned to the sex industry for money because it is quick and easy and pays well. I take full responsibility for this decision, I’m not saying I was forced into it, but my poor mental health is definitely part of the picture.
I’m very angry at all the money I have spent. I wish you didn’t have to pay people unless they helped, but only one person out of the dozens I’ve seen over the years has refused my payment. Others have actually tried to insist that I seem better or look better even when I insist I don’t feel it!  A couple of people have helped me for free, but I find they are a lot less likely to continue to return phone calls and emails when they have paying clients to take care of. I feel like I’ve often been ignored. People have insulted me, insinuated that I wasn’t trying hard enough, or that I didn’t really want to get better. I asked my doctor about possible residential treatment programs for depression and he never got back to me. I’ve emailed lists of friends and aquaintances before asking for help, company, food, anything, when I was really devestated and desperate and no one really responded. Too busy with their own shit or maybe I made them a little too uncomfortable. It was very discouraging. I’m waiting to hear back from a woman right now who was supposed to get in touch with me weeks ago. I’ve contacted her twice and still nothing. People suck. Â
I kind of have a business as an herbalist and I am enrolled in a counseling psychology masters program. I’d like to do good in the world and help others in my position, but I have no real ambition confidence or motivation to help others when I can’t help myself, hence the porn career.
What brought me over the edge yesterday was watching the documentary “The Bridge” about the golden gate bridge suicides. I sobbed the whole time I was watching it because I emphasized so heavily with the subjects. For the most part it was well-known by their friends and family that they were suffering and still it seemed there was nothing anyone could really do. That’s the way I feel. I may not be in a psych ward but plenty of people know about my trials and even the professionals seem befuddled by my lack or resistance to treatment. So they refer me to someone else, which feels like I’m being given up on. Or they say things like “you know not all acupuncturists (chiropractors, doctors, etc.) are the same, have you tried _____. He’s really great?”
Fuck you.
I’m at the point now where I am not willing to try very many new things anymore, even if they are free, because it is too frustrating, each time you take a chance and reach out and someone fails to help it gets a teensy bit more depressing. It’s kind of like being slapped on the wrist. Each time I complete another tear-stained session with a therapist I am left so drained and exhausted I can’t really do anything for the rest or the day. I feel like I should be the one getting paid!
Well now I don’t know what to do. I’m not so incapacitated that I couldn’t go back to work, or get out and do something if I wanted to, its actually boring here and hurts my back unbearably to stay in bed all day, but at the same time I can’t go on living this apathetic half-life where nothing ever changes. I think true hell is this limbo of mostly wanting to die but having some little thread, a glimmer of hope or a sense of obligation to friends and family that is keeping you alive so you keep on living day after day in total misery.
My 27th birthday is coming up. Each year on that day I think as the day approcahes, that there is no way I can stand another year of this. People have promised me I’ll feel better someday but I don’t. Obivously I have my doubts about the prozac after taking the other stuff. I’m running out of options but before I off myself I’m thinking of at least hunting down some ibogaine. It is an illegal drug in the US from an african root traditionally used for religious initinations that often miraculously cures heroin and other drug addictions and also can be used to treat depression, anxiety, and biopolar disorder. You can see testimonials on You Tube. There are clinics in Mexico and Vancouver BC, and other countries where it is legal but it is very costly, 3000-4000 dollars. I just don’t see any way of saving up that kind of money in my current state, so I will look for it underground in the city I live in and although that is not preferable to a clinical setting, I might be able to afford it.
10 comments
I can’t really help you much, so maybe there’s no point in posting any reply here.. We’re sort of opposites I think.. I can’t bring myself to attempt to get any help. I’m too scared of being a burden on people, of them not caring.
Watching the documentary “The Bridge” also brought me close to the edge. I saw it about a week and a half ago and all i could think about for the first few days after seeing it was suicide. I’ve become completely empty.
I’m sorry I can’t help you, it sounds like you definitely need it after reading all of that. Just don’t give up.. I’m still at the point where I couldn’t care less what happens to me, you could even say that I don’t want help, but I’ve read many stories from people who are feed up and it sounds like that’s you. If you’re tired of depression controlling your life you should stop at nothing until you find something that is going to help you, of course you shouldn’t cause yourself to become bankrupt, but something is going to have to help eventually.
The best of luck to you.
First find out the cause of your illness first, then medicate.
But sometimes like some snake bites, even with serum applied, some patients still have sudden pain attack from time to time throughout their lives. The reason is snake poison still linger inside the body. But western meds don’t have a cure for that.
Some things that you tried, such as acupuncture, and massage can only give temporary relief. If without the chinese herbs to balance the body will be no use. The question lies on whether you can find a chinese doctor who really knows how to check your pulse. Only with the correct knowledge will he know how to prescribe herbs. But you can still try, the best doctor will give you 1 dose of herb for a day. And the next day, he will again check your pulse, to see if to add some new herbs or deduct some. Or better if the chinese doctors has some medical association, then choose the chairman to be the one you’ll see. Limit yourself to 2 days of medication, if good, you will certainly feel that. If not, find another doctor.
And you have tried the psychics. Do you mean the spiritual ones? Are they able to see ghosts? If they can’t, then they can’t help you. Since you work out in the woods, there’s a possibility to encounter negative forces when you are weak. And there is also possibility of ghost in resentment from your previous life acquaintances haunting you. Or the house itself can have problems too.
Or was there a cat that you have in home? There is a particular bacteria from cat that can change a person’s character, such as acting lusty.
Or will that be venereal disease or kidney stones’ problem since teenage? And the kidney’s function will be poor, causing the back pain and the reproductive system’s malfunction.
I can’t promise you anything, since I’m thousand miles away.
But I can assure you following the proper paths, you’ll find your health!
Hi, ur post… caught my eye. There are similarities… u and I. Like u, I’ve suffered for too many years. Like u, the ppl around me know yet don’t understand… They just don’t, so they ignore. I’ve had anxiety issues as well.
I’ll like to get to know u better, if u’ll give me the chance. I’ve made posts here before, just a little bit about me, quite a while back.
If the feelings’ mutual, my email is roadlesstaken@hushmail.com.
If they’re not, I wish u the best anyway.
Take care.
Hi. I can relate to how you feel because I have been to that place. I haven’t really experienced the same things you have but I have shared the same feelings. Like Sai Chan said, I think you should probe more into the root of the problem. I know that sometimes this is the hardest part, changing something about yourself.
You have talked about porn as being something that makes you feel worse. I know that money plays a big role in your decision but if it really is something that is eating away at your soul then maybe you should reconsider if it’s worth it. I’m not saying you should quit, but if it is significantly exacerbating your thoughts of suicide then maybe you should consider it as an option.
The only other thing I may recommend is trying another medication? I was on prozac for about a month but the side effects were just too much for me. It seems that all the medications you have tried are the typical first line SSRIs (prozac, paxil, zoloft, lexapro). I think that they all have a very similar mechanism of action and it just doesn’t work for some people. I’m not sure why your doctor didn’t suggest an atypical antidepressant like Wellbutrin (which I take). This medication worked MUCH better for me and had none of the sexual side effects. So maybe this is another option that you could try (so you haven’t tried everything? haha).
I hope you feel better.
Kudos for trying to find hope in this jumbled mess of a life. Seriously, I congratulate you immensely for really trying your hardest. You seem like a great person. Good luck finding that medication underground, I really hope it helps you out.
I read your story and immediately felt like you and I struggle with the same things. I too have had an 8 year treatment resistant depression. Though no professional ever confesses this happens…it does. 30% of us have a depression that does not remit after two or more medictions.
I am not sure if you have tried combinations of medications, or augmentation therapy. These are suggested and often help treatment resitant depression (TRD). For example, currently I take a mood stabilizer (tegretol), thyroid medication…even though my thyroid is okay (this augmentation sometimes helps an antidepressant work better), prozac, high dose of trazadone (for sleep and another antidepressant) and dexedrine…to augment the antidepressant…is used as a mood brightener. To an outsider this may seem like a lot of medication, but it can help many people in our situation to have these types of combos.
Also, not sure where you live, but there are often free clinics/programs, or income based programs for people who cannot afford treatment. Also, some antidepressant/medication companies have programs in effect to help people afford their medications (offer them at a discount). Walmart also offers many meds for $4.00/month.
I see a dr. who specializes in TRD and TRBipolar Disorder. I know the cost of therapy is expensive, but if you do see someone, and you ahve tried more than two antidepressants see a specialist so at least you aren’t wasting your money.
I am still depressed despite 30-35 different meds/meds combos, but the support I get from my psychiatris (who offers therapy too, helps me keep trying. I really hope you find someone and something that will help you. Please don’t give up.
…aqua (www.vicarioustherapy.blogspot.com)
One of the cat diseases–Toxoplasma, a parasite can alter the behaviour of rats, robbing them of their normal fear of cats.
People pick up from the soil or from contaminated meat or water, or while changing cat litter.
symptoms–People with Toxoplasma tend to be more self-doubting and insecure; slower reaction times; 6-fold increased risk of traffic accidents.
women are more open-hearted or lusty.
men have less interest in seeking novelty.
I would say if you are emotionally unstable and an extreme cat lover, or behaviour changed to the extreme, you have to check for this disease.
But people tried with sulfa and daraprim for 7 weeks, said it didn’t work.
Holy shit… when I read your post it was like you were talking about MY life… forbatum… I mean fucking EXACT. I am 26 yrs old too, good looking, educated, intelligent, etc etc…. Yet it seems like the only thing I can do is fuck for money. It’s good money, pays my piling up bills, and I am too depressed to consistantly get out of bed in the morning for a real job. I hate my fucking life just as much as you hate yours. Nothing seems to work for me either. I only stumbled onto this site by chance tonight because I want to kill myself more than you can ever imagine.
I too have tried numerous psychologists and counselors, I have tried cymbalta and lexapro with no real positive effects, just major side effects that I didn’t like at all. I am 27 and will be 28 in a month, and I seriously think about dying so I don’t have to live with the pain of being depressed all the time. Your story is very similar to mine, I can really relate. I feel helpless and hopeless. I feel very alone. I am at a point where I dont know what else to do anymore.
I also watched The Bridge on youtube during my last depressive episode……another thing that people like us seem to love is this amazing book, “Prozac Nation” by Elizabeth Wurtzel.
I encourage you to read it- it made me feel alot less lonely in the world…but i did get a little more depressed at some parts. It gives you some perspective about thhis day and age and depression. Check it out.
Also, how are you doing?