Weak and feeling pathetic

  August 2nd, 2009 by Peace

I have experienced too much pain and to little joy in my young life.

i have always feelt unease with myself since aslong as i remember but 3 years ago i had enough, enough of people mocking me or making me a laughing stock, i started to do something i never thought i’d do and that was planing my own suicide and even writing a big letter to people (Family at most) and 4 people that i have keep in touch with thanks to a suicidal chat.

Today its gone 3 years since i planed my suicide but i still havnt done it, im overwhelmed with guilt and im guessing i deserve everysingle part of it..

for about 4 month’s ago i got something i never thought would happen, i got a girlfriend but this wasnt any girl that i just met, this was one girl from the suicide chat that i had keept in touch with for about a year, she

had been worried because i hadnt sent any messeges to her (or anyone else for that matter) and she guessed right since i was actually about a couple of days of commiting suicide. To make a long story short,

We decided to meet for the first time and then she suddenly kissed me and in a couple of days we became a couple, however she has had such a history behind her, a history that makes me feel bad, she’s drawn to depressed guys and have apperently had alot of guys before me.. this was all new to me and i felt a bit disgusted that the girlfriend i have had over 2 dussin guys and at her age, she have told story’s wich i havnt even pictured myself of being true, she showed another person than the one i spoke with for a year, yet i feel ashamed of feeling like this, this girl try’s to save me by making this fake relationship, thought id just go with it and have alot of sex before commiting suicide since she’s only trying to save me from it.

Im driven by jelousy perhaps because i’ve fallen inlove with this girl, i havnt been able to remain cold and now when it has happend she’s starting to flirt with other guys, well.. okay she did it since we got together but i didnt care, i was going to die anyway, better off if she has someone to “seek comfort with” than trying to judge herself for it.

My life has been lonely since i was little, she’s the only one i meet in person other than that i sit at home or take long walks in the forest and now im considering to break up with her, i cant take it anymore.. i cant stand her flirting with others, she has cheated on another guy and i would feel worse if she did that to me aswell so now im standing here, thinking of dumping the only friend & girlfriend i actually meet and do stuff with and then commiting suicide, nobody will miss me anyway’s.. she’ll have a new guy in 1 week or less i bet and my father wont have to support time and money on me.

Now im sitting here crying like the pathetic weak guy i am in a dark room saving all documents and getting ready to die alone like i’ve lived my life.

im sorry for my poor english im not american nor an englishman..

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