what a life i have. my parents with there sharp tongues and quick jokes. such bullshit they know the impact they have on me its ridicilous i honestly dont know how ive made it this far. and to think when i was 9 years old being called a mother fucked by your own mother who didnt care who didnt think that would do anything to her son. what stopped me from pulling that knife quick across my throat, there are good things in this world but in my case they come rare and often stay short. bits of happiness for me was looking at the clouds seeing a beautiful sunset or sunrise, walking down my street at 6am pitch black where i dont have to worry about my parents or anything. ive always grown up like this, dad has a temper and my mom takes his side because i am just something they created they control i fight back and it fells like i get beated down and thats how it is. i am always gone and then they get mad at me but if they stand in my skin for 1 day id be afraid of what they would do. if they saw how they acted what kind of parents would that make them, itll be 2 years in a week my father couldnt handle the pressure, didnt get paid couldnt afford our house, he said he was going shooting asking to go along i was denied i knew something was up he was really upset, 1 word responses i knew what was happening but i acted as if i didnt know, i tell my mom my dad is home an she goes out to his truck to talk to him, next thing i know hees gone she walks in and tells me hes going to go kill himself at this point my flushed with anxiety and fear so i call him. and call him and call him he finally answers and ill never forget this conversation “dad come home we can talk about this†his reply is “im not coming home†but he did hearing my dad cry on the phone… hearing him cry the strongest person i know cry has scarred me for life, in that very instant i realized i couldnt trust anyone because i could lose them that fast. the reason you cry at someones funeral is because you invest yourself in them so if u lose them its like losing yourself i dont invest my self in anyone except for a few family members and my best friend. who will not talk to me for some reason unknown to me so what the fuck am i supposed to do. my parents disappointed i dont want to do sports and they have no idea why i just sit there for days doing nothing thinking of how good ive never had it. they could care less about me like when my head was split open and i got 6 stiches but guess who i had to call to take me to the hospital not my parents even though i was home i called my friends parents who took me there. idk why i havent done it yet im afraid of drowning and knives/needles arent my thing we own a few guns but how much of a man are you when your looking down the barrel of a gun asking yourself if you want to back out. most people say yes i guess since my mom has this pain medication for her feet i could take some of those. the worst thing would make my parents feel like they did something to lose me but in all reality they are what caused it and i love them even though there not the best parents. and failing a year of school didnt go over well with my parents either they werent mad they were just disappointed which is so much worse for me both of my parents went to nice 4 year universitys and i cant graduate on time. i jsut dont know anymore i cant invest naything in anyone but who can i talk to, in order to make things better. not a shrink or psychiatrist because they get paid to listen to you but in the end they dont give a fuck. i think the people that should hande the cases where someone is suicidal or depressed is someone who has been then who knows from expirence not someone who went to college for 6 years so they can rake in 220,000 a year. until i can figure out what to do with my life i guess ill take the pain and the names until i cant take it or i get lucky enough to where i get hit by a car or something.
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Hey I just read your entry and wanted to give a little comment. I
see how much it hurts you to get those words thrown at you from your own family. Most people consider words to be so meaningless but in reality they can eat at you so bad that they break you down. My father usually has a quick tongue when he is trying to show off in front of people. He calls me fat and tells me I’m blocking the whole television when I walk by ( he has a screen t.v.) I have been suffering from depression and things like that can really make someone lose all confidense. What I have learned is that alot of older folks don’t believe in depression or any other illness. The lack of knowledge that the elderly have amazes me and they tend to believe it’s all made up illnesses for doctors to make more money. In experience in seeing a shrink I believe there are truly a number of them that only do it for the money and they think your so lost you can’t tell the difference but you can. My previous shrink used to make stupid comments t
to make a point to herself but she was just pissing me off and making me feel worse. So anyways to get to my original point I’m here to talk if u need to
You’re smarter than you give yourself credit for. You’re right, psychiatrists would be more effective if their understanding came from life and not a book. You were able to save your father’s life that night because you understood. You saved a life, most people never do that. I hope I can someday.
I too have wanted to end my life, and thought up a way to do it where nobody would think it was a suicide. To be honest I don’t know why i turned back at literally the last second. I didn’t do it intentionally. Whatever it was, I’m thankful for it. Not because my life is so much better now, but because its still my life. There has been wonderful times and horrible times. Every heart beat, every breath is your body saying there is something left to experience. You might want to see what it is.
I don’t know if it’s a good idea to invest in anyone else either, but not for the same reason as yours. I just think that if you see other people as investments then there’s the pressure you’ve put on them, just like the pressure a dad feels to support the family or a child feels to please their parents.
And investing in yourself is good, as long as you know what kind of self you are. It’s no good to compare and use someone else’s values, it’ll take time to discover what is really important to you, but I think it’s worth it in the long run, maybe.
I know that parents have their investments in their children, but they’ve got to realise that their children might not want the same things they do and that they might find happiness in other ventures.