What’s wrong with me?

  August 10th, 2009 by Pyro C

I’ve been contemplating suicide for about a year now. I was on birth control pills to help regulate my period and insulin levels. I used to blame my depression on the pills but even after I got off of them I still have really low lows of depression. I graduated high school at 16 because I couldn’t stand all the drama. People were so petty and fake I couldn’t take it anymore so I got out of there. Maybe I felt like people would really think what I did was amazing. I grew up in a small rural town where nobody graduates early so maybe I expected some recognition. Ive never been the type to want any but I worked hard and I guess I thought at least my friends would congratulate me. They didn’t. They were either jealous or upset that I left them. Aren’t friends supposed to be proud of your accomplishments? My parents and boyfriend were proud of me and I just took what I could get from them and tried to put those two years of hard work behind me. I went to a four year university and I am still there but I don’t know what I want to do. I know some people have a hard time deciding what they want to do after school but some people blame my troubles on the fact that I raced out of school. It seems that now my challenge to get myself to a better life has thrust me into a world of pain and frustration. I want to be more independent. I’ve always felt like a 20 year old and now that I am 17 and a sophomore in college I feel I should have the freedom of at least an 18 year old but my parents won’t give it to me. My mother guilt trips me into feeling like I’m trying to remove her from my life when I ask for a chance at more responsibility. I feel guilty when I cry about my problems (only a tiny fraction is listed here) or cry because Im depressed. I feel guilty because I don’t live in poverty, I was never tortured and I haven’t lost a limb or my sight. I can’t talk to anyone because I feel like they will think I’m just being stupid. So, I put on a smile and tell people my ambitious goals and cry when I’m alone. I have low self esteem, I’m tired mentally and physically, I’m depressed, I feel like people don’t care about me, I’m lost and confused, my memory is bad, it’s hard for me to organize thoughts, and I’m a lousy test taker. I always get into fights with my parents and everything always comes out being my fault. I want to leave this world to get away from everything. I can’t take a vacation because of financial troubles and my mother took my wanting to get away from everyone as I wanted to get away from her. Another fight started and I was at fault again. It seems like death is the only way out. If you want me to go more in detail about my parents let me know but I don’t have time to right now. I need to go out into the world and fake my happiness and contentment. (Please don’t mention anything about a god for I don’t believe there is one and any comments about finding god will not help me and will be ignored. )

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