Daddy Gone… Forever.

I was 13 years old and about to finish up my 7th grade year. It was March 10, 2004 when my life changed forever. It was in the evening after dinner when my ma got the call. My sister was on the other line, sobbing and very hard to understand. She told her what had happened, as I sat back and wondered. I was way to young to understand what was going on. I had never experienced anything like that before in my life. My ma hung up the phone and said “I will be back.”

About 2 hours later, my ma shows up with my sister and brother. I was getting ready to bed because I had school the next morning. My ma comes in my room and says “We need to talk.” I went out into the living room to see my siblings crying like never before. I say on the couch as they tried to tell me what happened. My ma says, “Your dad died…” I just looked at her like wait a minute, is this really happening?? I couldn’t believe it. I was stunned. So much that all I could do was break out in tears. I cried for about 3 hours that night before I finally fell asleep. The next day, I decided not to go to school. That would have been very hard to get through.

My daddy’s funeral was held that Friday, where there was an open casket. I had been crying all night and all day. My eyes were swollen, and it was too hard to walk up to that casket. My ma had to push me to go see him lying there. Nothing has ever been so disturbing in my life then to see my own father in a casket, dead. It still hadn’t seemed real to me. I felt like I was dreaming and wanted to wake up so bad. He was later cremated, as he wanted to be.

I am 18 now, and it has been almost 6 years since the worst day of my life occurred. I went a few years not knowing how he died. Nobody would tell me because I was “too young,” even though I was his youngest child. My daddy hung himself… to this day I still don’t know why he would do something so terrible. He hid it very well. My ma says the suicide letter is very graphic and unbelievable. And I still have not seen that letter. Nor do i want to for a very long time.

Suicide is the easy way out of your issues, and in my opinion, one of the most selfish things anyone could do. As a young woman, at age 13, I was in need of my father more than any other time. It was a tough time for me becoming a teenager, but to lose the first and only man in my life, scarred me for life.

I have had difficult times finding a man to keep. I never had any one tell me what who is best. The father is supposed to watch over his daughters like that. But I didn’t have that. I am barely learning to tell my story to many people, not only to let myself free, but to let everybody know how much it effects the people who actually do care about you.

For anyone who has attempted, or is thinking about it, please go out and get help. There are so many people willing to help. Because once your gone…… your gone… forever.

Rest in Peace Daddy.

I love and miss you so much!!!