i want to wake up. i want the last two years to be a hideous nightmare. i want to be in the arms of my wife. i want to still be happy. i don’t want to be happy again. i don’t want to me married again. i need to be happy still, and married still. i need this surreal excuse for existence to part like mist on a sunny day. i need a sunny day.
last year, i failed at ending my life as badly as i failed at living it. i now have even more to live for which means i have even more to die for. i do not want to infect my son with the failure that plagues me. i want to be gone from him and his life and his happiness.
i want the most painful cancer, and a violent beating, and terrible end of days. i deserved so much in life, but now deserve only the worst exit. please, someone help me.
4 comments
I went to a meeting, and in the first few minutes they said, “so you may be at the point that you have done this whole “loss” thing long enough, and been brave enough – soooo, time for that loved one to just come back now.
OMG – I guess that is what we all do. All of us who have loved, and have had that love mercilessly ripped from us. It is horrible that this kind of pain is “normal” and it almost makes it diminished, less meaniglful to say that…but it gives me the glimmer of hope/ light at the end of the tunnel, that this catostophic, devastating, all consuming pain,void can be survived.
I made a deal with myself, that I hope might work for you. My children have suffered too many losses in their very young lives. Losses they did not deserve. And as the parent left to love them, I will stay here to 1) let them know how very much the people who died loved them 2) remember it is my job – the best job in the world – to love these little people, they have done nothing wrong AND THE BIG ONE FOR ME 3) I will not cause this/these beautiful gifts (the kids) one more moment of pain if there is anything in may power to avoid it.
I don’t pretend to be a great person. I have also given myself permission to consider suicide as an option after the youngest has completed college. (She is in middle school now) She deserves a parent to celebrate her achievements but at that point I have done my job. nd if I feel the same way then as I do now I give myself permission
try learning from your son, I wonder how old he is, but trust me kids can sometimes really impress you with that pure and innocent wisdom, I don’t mean telling him how you feel and asking him what to do, just try taking him out, watch him growing and discovering new things, be there, be a part of him happiness, it’s really sad but also true, that even the kid who has the worst father ever who maybe beating him to death for nothing still wishes that this father would bring him a present for his birthday and celebrate with him, help him and listen to him, and I don’t think that you are a bad father just because you’ve been suicidal or still, life is just so fucked up! so what? would you let it ruin your son’s happiness? maybe there is no happiness after all, but at least let him grow happily to the mature level when he can decide for himself about you and about happiness and all…. be there for him
Please don’t kill yourself. Think of your son. My husbands father killed himself 6 months ago. My husband was devestated. He thought about all of the things that he was going to miss with his dad. He is never going to see him again. It isn’t fair to your son to cause that much pain in his life.
It’s very nice your thinking about your son. It’s admirable that you love him so much that you would give your life away just to “protect him from yourself.” But this is not that simple. You should learn for which reasons you want to kill yourself. The big majority suicides reasons are depending on how your brain works. It means, it’s mostly all genetic.
This is why you can eventually be wrong about what you think about your son. If you’re afraid to “infect him with you depression”, maybe he was infected by your genetic already. But it’s all ok, because around 9% of the world population thinks continuously about suicide. If he grows up whith a family to support him with love and treat eventually the depression that he may have, then he will probably have the opportunity of having a real consious happiness for his life!!! Otherwise he will probably have the same life that you have now!!!!
In any case, I don’t want to trap you to live because of someone. What’s important is that you learn to like to live because of yourself and nothing more.
I don’t know how’s your life, but people want to die very often because they think that they lost a competition created by themselves. Our genetic is prepared to compete, this is what we did during the last 10.000 years!!! But we compete and fight for living! We are not prepared to compete to have fun. It makes no sense….. We live in a world where people think they are better because the brand of the clothes that they can afford!!! It’s surreal where we arrived. Cars on the street of the same brand and same name are distinguished by a identification which shows the size of the engine and, the bigger one, think that is the winner of some kind of competition….. This is the social pressure that we are facing and is creating a depressed population. if you look to the statistics you will see that men between 40 and 50 are the most suicides, because they reached the highest level of competition rates in their lifes and, in the same time, they start to lose the competition for younger people on the market.
If you see in this way, then you have the tipp that your genetic is actually ok, but it’s just that your genetic is facing some problems with the society. Maybe the society is actually even all right. The problem is just how seriously you see it. Then, if you just take it all easy, then you can be happy again with the same problems of before.
Problems, conquers, happiness…. they are finally all subjective and just depend on what you want to see or believe. The work of a good psicologist is just about how he sets up your brain to see your life. He will not help you, but he hill show that your happiness depends on what you want to believe……