i want to wake up. i want the last two years to be a hideous nightmare. i want to be in the arms of my wife. i want to still be happy. i don’t want to be happy again. i don’t want to me married again. i need to be happy still, and married still. i need this surreal excuse for existence to part like mist on a sunny day. i need a sunny day.
last year, i failed at ending my life as badly as i failed at living it. i now have even more to live for which means i have even more to die for. i do not want to infect my son with the failure that plagues me. i want to be gone from him and his life and his happiness.
i want the most painful cancer, and a violent beating, and terrible end of days. i deserved so much in life, but now deserve only the worst exit. please, someone help me.