because i dont know how anymore

  October 23rd, 2009 by danielledisaster

this feels so unreal.
nothing is making sense to me.
i dont know how to feel alive.
i know something needs to change…
i just dont know what.
or why
or how.

and i dont want to depend on someone else.
i want to fix this on my own.
i just dont know whats wrong to fix it

i just lay in my bed and feel all of this pain
and i curl up in a ball, and i hold myself together
and i say outloud to myself to stop
to make the pain go away
and i go numb
and nothing makes sense
and life has no meaning
and how im living is not what my life is
and one day ill wake up and this will all have been a dream
and i wont hurt
and i wont be numb

but i am.
i’m not who i think i am
i’m no better than who i try to be
and i try so hard
i try to keep going and keep pushing on
and i try not to give up on myself
but i do

its like i’m trying to live in who i used to be
but i don’t know who that person is
or was…

and i’m so alone
i’m so scared
and i feel like a wreck
a complete disaster
and i push it all aside
and i try not to let it hurt
but its killing me
i’m killing myself off
slowly.. but surely
and i dont know who i am
and i dont know how to find her
and i dont know if i ever will

and every morning that i wake up
i have to do this again
and i dont know how anymore
i dont know how i can be so alone
and still live
but i want to

nothing makes sense.
i’m not making sense.
life means nothing.
i mean nothing.

but i’m still here.
and thats enough for now….
isnt it?

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