hate_life_.

I have no real advice for you. Simply understanding. I’m in University, I was working a dead-end job 30+ hours a week with a boyfriend, a dog, a young sibling and parents who seem to speak a completely different language. It took me over 10 years to come to terms with the fact that I need help. I have struggled with depression almost my whole life. NO one in my family understands it nor are they sensitive to it. They don’t see that calling me fat one day might just be the straw that broke the camel’s back (I’m not fat… not even close but I’m not a size 2 so that’s fat enough for them). It can be the tiniest things. Some days I wake up and feel good and healthy. Some days I don’t ever want to wake up. I live solely out of guilt for leaving those who do truly love me unconditionally behind. My dog, my little sibling and my loving boyfriend. It feels good to tell someone and hear that someone has the same problems or at least the same feelings as i do. My mother just keeps saying that if I could only see how other people live that I would feel better. But my whole life I have been trying to be something and someone to please her and every time I fail no matter how grand my accomplishments or feats I always fall short. I’m at a low point now and I haven’t been to class in a week and a half. I’m late on assignments. My life is falling apart. I’ve abused alcohol, painkillers, my medication all to find a numbness that will take the edge off of the pain and make every thing seem okay. It lasts momentarily and then every thing just falters…. there is no fix to what we have we simply have to keep living day by day counting on those who truly love us (despite not understanding us entirely) to keep on going…. I have almost succeeded in the past at committing suicide and for a little while it seemed to wake everyone up that I was really in trouble. But that fear has subsided and now they even scoff at me making me feel embarrassed about it. “what are you going to go do? Kill yourself? Ugh…” “Don’t even think about being stupid”. Alcohol, drugs (prescription, over the counter… anything at all) are all kept under wraps and away from me but nothing has happened to help me cope. They even chastise me about needing medication. So, I know. I understand. The sad part is I’ve done therapy. But I always manage to trick the person into thinking that I’m fine… I walk out and nothing has been accomplished because there is always a sense of stigma surrounding these feelings. Like I’m unclean… like wearing a scarlet letter because I’m “different” “unsafe” whatever…. it’s difficult but as hard as you try it will be an interminable uphill battle. Life goes on after death. We have to make the most of every single smile. Some days will be worse than others. Some days will be amazing. Just cherish the good days and look forward to them when you’re in the worst of your bad days. That’s what has kept me alive to my 23rd year. Hopefully it keeps on working. That and a steady course of constant medication. Miss one dosage or lower it and I’m toast…. I hope it helps just to know that someone else is sitting in the same boat as you trying to paddle with no oar… even just floating suspended in the infinite darkness that is depression has to be better than falling all the way down the bottomless pit and shattering upon contact with its unforgiving rock bottom. Hang in there…. I know I’m trying…. it’s the only weapon we have in our arsenal…