i hate it

  October 20th, 2009 by calie

i hate it, i hate thinking about killing myself. i feel stupid and selfish. i feel like im going insane. and i hate it because i really dont have a bad life. i just feel selfish because im taking life for granted and i dont want to die. i think about it a lot. i think about death and i always have bad scenerios in my head of how i could die or how i could do it. and the saddest thing about it, is that i do it most when i cant handle things. i do it most when i feel stupid and ashamed and dont want to deal with things anymore. i need help. i cant handle fighting and stress, even just a little bit of it. it happens and i get so depressed when i shouldnt be depressed. i just realized this just now. right before i started writing this. i just got in a bad fight and the thing i thought was i dont want to deal with this i just want to die. i should just kill myself. why do i do this? i feel so selfish and i believe in god so i feel like god is upset and ashamed with me. im not happy with things and i know its my fault and i know the only way to change it is to change me or change something in my life. and i some things i know i need to change but i dont do it and i dont know why. i just want to give up. i hate me so much and i know thats a really big thing. one day ill be happy and the next day i wont. im thinking that im really bi-polar.

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