I am so relieved to have a place to pour out the feelings. I have been feeling VERY suicidal for a couple weeks. Sunday I half-assed tried by taking a bunch of my husband xanax, drinking some wine, and taking a bath. I really hoped I’d fall asleep and drown but it didn’t work. In fact, I ended up getting the best night’s sleep I’ve had in a long time. (So, much for all the warning labels)
See – my husband seems to have a mental condition that is getting worse and worse. Somewhere between bipolar and multiple personalities. He also seems to be this little thing called ODD – oppositional defiant disorder – or something like that. He hasn’t always been like this – but has gotten progressively worse over the past couple of years.
I read up on ODD and there seems no hope, judging from the support forums. Some of the symptoms is he will disagree with EVERYTHING I say – just because I say it. Sounds harmless, but we are in business together and it is affecting our company – not to mention how hurtful it is to me as his wife. I understand people with ODD mostly take it out on their loved ones – because they are the only ones they trust. How ironic and lucky for me.
The multiple personality thing is a little scarier. If I dare to talk back to him or argue, he undergoes a transformation. He looks different and becomes like a wild animal. This morning I asked him to keep it down a little (I was working). I TRIED, I SWEAR TO GOD, I TRIED to be nice. But he went nuts and finally just left the house.
The problem is I am not one to hold my tongue. I have been very fortunate that it has served me well up until now. But now, I am afraid my bluntness will be literally the death of me. He is not physically violent – but he doesn’t need to be. He’s about twice as big as me and has the body and brawn of a football player. He just needs to take a step towards me with those scary menacing eyes and I’m a quivering ball of fear.
Not to point the finger at him. I have battled anxiety and depression my whole life. I’ve attemped suicide several times. But now we have a 5 years old (apple of my eye) daughter who is the ONLY reason I am still here. I don’t have the resources or family support to leave and even if I did, I’d probably lose my daughter so what’s the point if she’s my only reason for living?
I can’t bear the thought of leaving her with the legacy of my suicide. I am too chicken to drive my car off a cliff and I don’t know any other way to make it look like an accident. But living on eggshells and STILL getting the mental and verbal abuse is no way to live. I really just want to die. Maybe if I make him mad enough he’ll bash my skull in. It probably wouldn’t take much.
5 comments
I understand the daughter thing, the only reason I havent yet. Its very frustrating it seems.
I might not be the best person to talk too, but tow poor saps might be able to laugh about it. you can email me if you like. Justin.furr@yahoo.com
I understand where you’re coming from. I had a similar situation, although I was lucky in that I didn’t have kids at the time. When he started acting really weird, I was able to get out and get out quickly. However, you have a child to think of so that is why I ask you to please, TONIGHT, call your local help line and explain the situation. There are women’s shelters in many communities who can help you. It sounds as though he may have some serious mental problems which means he can turn violent at any time. You don’t want to be there when that happens and you certainly don’t want your kid to be there either. If you can’t find anything in your local phone book, call 911 and ask them for information. Please do whatever you can to protect your child and yourself. Thanks, and I’ll keep you in my meditations.
And I suppose if my husband killed me that’d be even worse for my daughter.
Hi, this is so amazing to me! your story is my story only several chapters in the future. I’m divorced now, no kids, but my ex husband also has ODD and Borderline Personality Disorder, which is a lot like Bi-Polar. When we got married he kept these disorders a secret from me, so I was decieved from the beginning, It was “the world according to him” I never won with him and then he wanted a divorce and there was nothing I could do to make him stay, it was unfortunate that I loved him, but I had to leave, because I asked myself: do I want children with this man? and I told myself: No. that was the kicker, if he treated me this bad, then I knew I would have to be so strong not just for me but for my child. I got out, and you are in, I can’t tell you what to do, but live for your daughter!! And you do, I read it in your letter. He doesnt dictate your happiness, I wish I had an incredible message of hope to say to lift your spirit, I feel that I would be you right now if I didn’t leave my husband and if I would have gotten pregnant, if I chose to stay because I loved him. Sometimes I wish I would have stayed. because now I’m alone I have been divorced for 3 years now and haven’t had a boyfriend since, I wonder if it would be a better choice of life with him or this lonliness and isolation that I am in now, I am suicidal because I’m so lonely. this probably doesn’t help you, I’m sorry, but I feel like I am you in an alternate reality.