I am so relieved to have a place to pour out the feelings. I have been feeling VERY suicidal for a couple weeks. Sunday I half-assed tried by taking a bunch of my husband xanax, drinking some wine, and taking a bath. I really hoped I’d fall asleep and drown but it didn’t work. In fact, I ended up getting the best night’s sleep I’ve had in a long time. (So, much for all the warning labels)
See – my husband seems to have a mental condition that is getting worse and worse. Somewhere between bipolar and multiple personalities. He also seems to be this little thing called ODD – oppositional defiant disorder – or something like that. He hasn’t always been like this – but has gotten progressively worse over the past couple of years.
I read up on ODD and there seems no hope, judging from the support forums. Some of the symptoms is he will disagree with EVERYTHING I say – just because I say it. Sounds harmless, but we are in business together and it is affecting our company – not to mention how hurtful it is to me as his wife. I understand people with ODD mostly take it out on their loved ones – because they are the only ones they trust. How ironic and lucky for me.
The multiple personality thing is a little scarier. If I dare to talk back to him or argue, he undergoes a transformation. He looks different and becomes like a wild animal. This morning I asked him to keep it down a little (I was working). I TRIED, I SWEAR TO GOD, I TRIED to be nice. But he went nuts and finally just left the house.
The problem is I am not one to hold my tongue. I have been very fortunate that it has served me well up until now. But now, I am afraid my bluntness will be literally the death of me. He is not physically violent – but he doesn’t need to be. He’s about twice as bigÂ as me and has the body and brawn of a football player. He just needs to take a step towards me with those scary menacing eyes and I’m a quivering ball of fear.
Not to point the finger at him. I have battled anxiety and depression my whole life. I’ve attemped suicide several times. But now we have a 5 years old (apple of my eye) daughter who is the ONLY reason I am still here. I don’t have the resources or family supportÂ to leave and even if I did, I’d probably lose my daughter so what’s the point if she’s my only reason for living?
I can’t bear the thought of leaving her with the legacy of my suicide. I am too chicken to drive my car off a cliff and I don’t know any other way to make it look like an accident. But living on eggshells and STILL getting the mental and verbal abuse is no way to live. I really just want to die. Maybe if I make him mad enough he’ll bash my skull in. It probably wouldn’t take much.