No longer wanted

October 29th, 2009by Tookie

I am confused and tired.I just turned 18 and am ready to die.Most people are just starting their life and I feel as though I already lived it.Let me explain…I was given up at birth.My mother didn’t want me and my aunt took me in.She loved me and I grew up to be a happy toddler until my mother grew jealous and took me back at age six.My mother has a servere drug habit and I recall days when she came home too drunk or high to function.I would take care of her then.Me a little six year old taking care of a grown woman.I had no friends because I tend to speak really fast whenever I do speak.(I am scared that people wont listen so i have to say it all at once.)So i began to ask my mother at age 7 for a sister.Well she got pregnant and came home with a lil boy.Little did I know he would soon become my responsibility.I raised him the best I could while steering clear of my mothers many boyfriends.I feared that I would one day have to do what she do for money because we had so little.I used to go weeks with little to no food so that my little brother could eat.Then when I was 10 i was raped.I was raped over and over again until I turned 17 by 5 different people.I started cutting myself when I was 10.i went into DSS when I was 13 yet the staff in my grouphomes raped me.i just left my last grouphome and i KNOW that nowhere is safe.While i was in this last grouphome my mother and i started speaking again.She told me so many things untill I believed she had changed.I planned to go home to her and start over.I was extremely happy yet things went really wrong after a couple of weeks.She grew angry and we got into a fight.She then took a knife and stabbed me 3 times.I was forced to leave her house.Now I stay with a girlfriend who is scared for me.I tried to shot myself with a glock last night.Then when she took the gun I ran in front of several cars and its a wonder im alive now.I mean really alive.I took 78,000mg of sleeping pills last year and have cut my wrists so deep I needed stitches on several occassions.I have hung myself and poisoned myself.Im so confused because I want to escape.I want to get away from these feelings of emptiness.Of numbness.I cant talk to no one or they will try to send me to a hospital.i cant talk to my girl cause she is scared for me and that fear that she may one day find me dead might drive her to put me out and then i’ll be homeless.Im scared and alone.

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