I wrote this four days ago.
……………….I’m not sure why I have let myself be trapped in this horrible body for so long. Maybe I just need to let go of those small emotional attachments so I can finally get out of this body. I’ve said before that I am not ugly, this is actually not true, I was being nice/lying to myself. I am ugly in many physical ways. My huge head and fat face, my small hands and arms, my awkwardly broad frame, my terrible skin, my stupid stupid sounding voice (my voice makes me sound like a total fucking idiot who is being jerk even though I don’t mean to come across that way) and of course, my small and irregular genitals. I am sure I (my soul/spirit) was not meant to be in this body, this is a mismatch. I do think I am supposed to be male and white but beyond that its all wrong. It seems that my body is like this to impede my greatest human need/desire of needing love from any girl that I might want that from/want to love. On somewhat of a side note: do you women know or even care how much pain it causes someone like me when you make comments about liking ‘big ol magnum dicks’ or liking larger penises at all or negative comments or jokes about small penises? It feels like (without any exaggeration) a knife just got shoved right in the middle of my chest. I actually feel it and it hurts. Its been so long since I had any affection from a girl that I can’t even remember what its like to touch one. I can’t believe I have allowed myself to stay in this body for so long. It never stops hurting, it only sometimes somewhat subsides for short periods of time here and there only to come back strong. Its becoming more and more difficult to keep my composure in front of others, I have to isolate myself often so they don’t see because I don’t want any attention like: “whats wrong with you?” me: “oh you know, I am ugly as shit and have a small irregular penis and I can not be truly be loved and I can’t stop thinking more and more seriously about leaving this body.” Yeah, right there is no way I could ever actually tell someone that I plan on killing myself/shutting this body down. People who want to die just get called cowards and weak. So I’m not going to ever actually talk to someone in person about this because no one likes someone who is never in a good mood and talks about killing themselves. I also can’t trust anyone enough to talk about this stuff anyway. Also, they would not even know what to say because it is apparent that my problems can not be changed as long as I remain in this body. I am absolutely convinced that as long as I am stuck in this inadequate shell, I will never get the monogamous love that I need.
On top of all of this it seems my dog will no longer be living with me because of reasons that are out of my control. He is the only being who shows me unconditional love. Now I have nothing.