Right now I, a 16 year old hidden bisexual man, am laying in my bed rotating a pair of scissors. Ive been listening to “The Prayer” by Kid Cudi for the last 2 hours. And over the last few weeks my life has just been going straight down hill. 2 Fridays ago, i decided that i would finally come out to this other gay kid that i thought was pretty awesome. I trusted him, even though we barely knew each other like that. then i became comfortable with him and thought life was going great because i had someone i could be real with. Then last Thursday, i was confronted by this gay kid in my art club, because he could tell by the way i looked at him that i wanted him. Which was true. Alright, things are going great. but then the next weekend i planned to go hook up with him, but i lied to my parents about where i would be out, cause they don’t know, and don’t deserve to. But then i was caught being somewhere so they took my car and my phone. I may sound spoiled but, frankly those are my main life lines, its like life has stopped with out them. and now these two guys are acting somewhat different towards me, but i cant call or text or hang out with them to talk about it. That’s half of my relationship problems. The other half is the girl that im openly talking to. Every time we talk its as though she s either getting mad at me or her best friend is. And im not one to apologize so the problems get worse and worse. and now i just dont wanna deal with it any longer. Plus im failing my English class with a teacher i have known for years that acts like im the horrible student that doesn’t give a damn. Along with this, i have 5 other honors, ap, and ib classes that stress me out by the time 2nd block starts. Then being the ‘bright’ student everyone marks me out to be i have several, somewhere around 5-8, clubs that im involved in and that i try to stay fully involved in. All this juggling just isnt working anymore. i dont have time or patience. i just wanna end it all. im just laying here imagining the things i could do with these scissors. (a)slit my throat (b) cut the main artery in my leg (c) cut out my throat (d) cut my stomach til there is not enough blood to survive (e) cut off one finger at a time until i can feel no more pain (f) slice my legs to point blood drips off the side of my bed. Its sad that ie gotten to this point, but i just cant stop the thoughts. and now im driving myself insane by creating voices that tell me to do dangerous things, all while pretending to be a happy kid to everyone so as not to bring them down. ugh, i just wanna end it all.
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I’m a straight, “normal” guy who’s long out of high school, but I think I get where you’re coming from. It’s true that I’ve never had the pressure of keeping my sexuality a secret from my friends and family, but I can understand relationship problems. All through junior high and high school I was unable to get a girlfriend. I was the kind of guy that every girl liked to have as a friend, but never the guy that they’d even think about hooking up with or dating. I was the steady, kind, happy guy friend that everyone liked hanging out with, and every time that I worked up the courage to try to be something more, I got shot down. By the end of high school I had very few really close friends that I could just hang out with and talk with, no prospects girl-wise, and no past experience with a girlfriend. That changed after high school. By the end of my first year at university I had dated and broken up with two girls that were miles out of my league, and things were changing for the better. Had I not stuck it out, things wouldn’t have turned up, and I’d have missed out on a ton of great stuff.
I get the academic pressure as well. I was the whiz kid all through school, coasting my way to A’s and academic awards, and being the unofficial class tutor. All that changed in university when I had to work hard for my grades, had to add extra-curriculars to my schedule all over the place to compete with the other smart kids, and for the first time ever felt the intense stress of struggling to perform. For three years I toughed it out, working my ass off to try to get my grades high enough to get into optometry school, and it was never enough. I finished my third year by getting a D+ in my anatomy class, barely a passing grade, and I hated myself for it. Over the summer I took a lot of time to think about my future and wound up deciding I wanted to go to Film School instead, something I had considered doing for a while, and all of a sudden things changed. I felt less stressed, there were less expectations on me in my fourth year (I finished my Bachelor of Science degree), I cut out a bunch of my extra-curriculars that I didn’t really WANT to do, and I focused on what was important to me. My parents still don’t quite get it or approve of it, but all the built up shit that I had going on just dissolved away.
My point is that even though you’re supposed to be the smart kid in IB, AP, and honours classes, and even though you’re failing English when your teacher expects you to do well, it doesn’t mean you can’t change all that. As a 16 year old bisexual, I’d imagine being outwardly confident and openly yourself is tough to do, but if you don’t want to do all the clubs and you don’t want to take such stressful classes, stand up and tell people, and do what you need to. There’s always another way you can do things if it’s not working good the way they’re going right now. As much as it might feel like there’s no way out other than suicide, there’s always an option that can turn it around. Even if your whole life has been built upon the idea that you’re a whiz kid destined to become a doctor or a lawyer, you can always just face the facts and decide to accept that that might not really be who you are. Maybe you’re a filmmaker like me, or maybe you’re a clothing designer, or a hair dresser, or a lumberjack, or a civic engineer, or a lab technician, or a philosopher.
My advice would be to cut your losses in the current charade you’ve got going as the happy smart kid and just start doing things that feel right to you. Cut out at least some of your clubs, take time to yourself to watch a movie or hang out with the friends you have that get you, and grind through your English class as long as necessary, then don’t bother with it again. Decide who you want to be and be him instead of who you’re SUPPOSED to be. It’s a big risk, but what do you have to lose, if you hate your current situation so badly? You’ve got nowhere to go but up, and it’s high time you started your ascent. Things WILL get better if you let them. Just wait and see.