Rock Bottom

October 16th, 2009by Mamfie

Once hitting rock bottom, they say the only way to go is up….

But ive tried to pick myself up and have failed yet again to pick myself up again.  I have had depression for a long time and it seems that thru my whole life, i have been kidding myself and thinking I was happy, but something always happens to unlock the past issues i never could put behind me.

I used to be a bubbly person and people used to love being around me…now, all is gone.  I dont even feel comfortable in the same room as another person.  im paranoid and overly sensitive.

Im 22 now and I am on the edge, these past 9 years have been a waste, i am lost, with nothing.  I had a boyfriend of 4 years and we were living together.  Then he broke up with me and moved out and I have begged for him to come back and he wont. I also fell pregnant after a stupid attempt to get him back.  After all that and everything else going on, I had a medical abortion.  No way could I bring a child into this life.  I have been against it my whole life and I just went against my beliefs and I have no one to talk to about it.

Also i gave up a secure job and went to help the family business to try and save it.  There is just too much debt and I dont know how to run a business, Im suppossed to be finishing my law degree.  But its my parents business and I cant let them down.  They bought me up and how could i say no in their time of need.  We are always fighting and shouting at each other.

Now the bank wants to forclose on the house and we have no money, got debt everywhere, which is now in my name cz i was dumb enough to trust my family. 

I have nothing and no one, all my friends take drugs and i cannot put myself in that position again.  Ive been sitting here trying to bounce back and figure out if there is anything I can do to help myself from feeling like a complete loser, i cant….my past is just too much and I cant do this anymore…it haunts me to think i fkd up so bad in life.

As much as i wanna end things, I feel too scared and I know my parents need me as they are also at rock bottom.  Cant i just vanish and everyone just forget i even exist…

What do i do?

I feel like im a burden on the people i know.

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