Sick & Tired – no joke, so no humor(stupidity) please

  October 17th, 2009 by halfangel

New to this site! I am an almost 50 year old female. I have been trying to commit suicide off and on for about 10 years.

I don’t want to hear any “don’t do it”, “life is worth living”, “you’re fucked up”, etc. type of replies!!

I started my entire life as I knew it, virtually over, 10 years ago after being unhappy for approx. 5 years before that.

Nothing goes right! I take a step forward and am forced 3 steps back (or more!) I’ve been on anti-depressants (in increasing amounts), tried to commit suicide, I don’t know how many times (at least 7 or 8). I really want to die! And, I don’t want anybody telling me I should stay here, that life will get better. that I’m here for a reason (screw the reason, believed that too, but tired of waiting to see the reason). I can’t bring myself to shoot myself or to jump into traffic or off some high building or whatever. I’ve tried the carbon monoxide from the car about 3 times…nothing…just slept good…..tried the over the counter pills….about 4 times, only to wake up again and be EXTREMELY sick for a couple of days! Prayed for death more nights than I can remember (God has a sick sense of humor!)

And here I am, still, not wanting to wake up, praying to die…not having the courage to do it in a painful, grotesque manner and not being able to succeed in other ways so far.I don’t have anything left to give…I thought, at one point, I was here to help some others, but even if that were true, how long and how much am I to suffer to fulfill something I don’t understand and …whatever….

I’m extremely worse off than ever…financially, mentally, physically…and I just want it to end! Please tell me what I can do to achieve that……I have threatened not only my own life but lives in my family because I don’t know what else to do to relieve the pain but to drink…and pass out…..but sometimes …it becomes more. I don’t want to be in an institution and embarrass my family or be there….because it’s just not gonna help…except to prevent me from killing myself…..I just don’t care anymore….I need to just go…….are there any drugs I can take…that will do the job without me just waking up..sick…again….maybe God doesn’t want me to die yet and that is why…but I am at the point where I say “f**k God”….tired of waiting..don’t care….just let me go…..can’t take it anymore…and to my children and family, even though they can’t see the extreme I am putting in this post…..I only look worse and worse and behave worse and worse…and become less loving…..and less of a family…this way……please just help me “go”…it can’t be any worse for them ….unless  I keep living…

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