I am obsessed with suicide. I tend to get obsessed with things until I solve them, or find something new to be obsessed with.
And I kind of want to do it.
I have been thinking of killing myself for over a year, every day. Theres the odd exception, like the week I went back to uni, because there was a lot going on.
The problem is, I’m not sure what to live for. I don’t really understand why anybody stays alive.
I kind of feel like nothing I do will be of any significance, drawing the graphic novel I want to draw, completing my medical degree, even if I save a thousand lives at the end of it.
I just want to get it all over with.
The reason I am alive is my family. I wouldnt want any of my siblings, or my mum to follow suit.
Which leads me to think that they matter. Mabye from there, the other things that matter may appear.
But I don’t want to have to do anything, I don’t want to have to try. I want to sleep for a hundred years.
I have decided that I’d do it by stabbing myself in the heart. Very painful, but leaves minimal marks on the rest of my body. Would show I meant it.
Was considering making it look like I went completely insane, cutting my hand, dressing in white and drawing symbols on myself, so that nobody thought too much about my reasons.
I don’t think I’d cry.
I think I have little self worth. I feel hollow: just an imprint or reflection of the people around me, reacting on some basic motor level to the people around me. That even a machine could do the same, it’s not got anything to do with me being in that body.
And I do want to live (tears are actually welling up now, inhaled, exhaled, gone), I desperately want to have some reason to keep going. I want to understand why other people keep going.
[I mean I know if I paint a painting, I’ve painted a painting. If train for ten years at a martial art, I could become a black belt. If finish my degree I’ll become a doctor.
But I know what outcome will come from the next 10 years hard slog, so why do it? I’m not solving anything.]
*[in this bracket I realise I have run away from a possible conclusion, to bang my head against a seperate wall of despair, which will get me no-where]
I havent really made any points or asked any questions, but I would like to hear other people’s thoughts.
3 comments
My life is an attempt to find a reason to live. I hope till I find it, I can keep this search being alive. 😉 Because I’m not sure what to live for, I try to live to search this sure… Although this seems the only reason why I can still write, my nightmares tell me that I will find this reason just after been condemned to die.
I think that exactly now, in this fucking eternal present which never goes away, we think all the same. We think that we are condemned to live. Perhaps we think we are already eternal……(?)
Nope, it’s not about this, because the truth is that we are eternal till we die, like the infinite is infinite till it finishes…. But it’s not about this thinking or the philosophy. It’s about our real wishes.
I tryied to understand then, what I really want. I always thought that I want to die, untill I find out that this is not what I want, but this is just a conclusion of something that I don’t understand. We think that we want to die in order to solve something, generally some problem or even because we don’t have any problem to solve anymore. If not the fear that in the future we may not have any problem to solve….
I don’t know what to think anymore. If I don’t have any problem, then I want one, but if I do have it, then I don’t want…. what it may be??? Am I mentally sick? for sure, man!!!!!!
But I also don’t want any treatment and I will not look for it. I’m inconsequent, but this is also why I didn’t kill myself yet. It doesn’t worth to live as well as it doesn’t worth to die!!! This is what keeps me going.
But because I don’t want to live, it doesn’t mean that I want to die. I wait inconsciously for something further life or death. We keep going for the hope of the unexpected. Sometimes we should learn to wait and stop taking decisions. Our society expects an answer for everything, but historically we’ve opened more questions than answered any. Wait before you try it. There’s no waste of time in the long term death….
Thank you very much. Kind of the answer I was refusing to accept myself. Keep searching for a reason to live. Might as well wait to die.
And good point about the answer thing.
Hope all the best for you
you and notborn think the same way i do.
i think it called existential nihilistic.
i’ve been reading several post but most of it seems to be about teenager with some kind of problem.
but for me i’m in my 30’s now with no significant hardship that i can think of, i’m really confuse why i’m feeling this way.
my life is not easy but also not particularly hard either.
“No reason to die, but no reason to care” i suppose