I am obsessed with suicide. I tend to get obsessed with things until I solve them, or find something new to be obsessed with.
And I kind of want to do it.
I have been thinking of killing myself for over a year, every day. Theres the odd exception, like the week I went back to uni, because there was a lot going on.
The problem is, I’m not sure what to live for. I don’t really understand why anybody stays alive.
I kind of feel like nothing I do will be of any significance, drawing the graphic novel I want to draw, completing my medical degree, even if I save a thousand lives at the end of it.
I just want to get it all over with.
The reason I am alive is my family. I wouldnt want any of my siblings, or my mum to follow suit.
Which leads me to think that they matter. Mabye from there, the other things that matter may appear.
But I don’t want to have to do anything, I don’t want to have to try. I want to sleep for a hundred years.
I have decided that I’d do it by stabbing myself in the heart. Very painful, but leaves minimal marks on the rest of my body. Would show I meant it.
Was considering making it look like I went completely insane, cutting my hand, dressing in white and drawing symbols on myself, so that nobody thought too much about my reasons.
I don’t think I’d cry.
I think I have little self worth. I feel hollow: just an imprint or reflection of the people around me, reacting on some basic motor level to the people around me. That even a machine could do the same, it’s not got anything to do with me being in that body.
And I do want to live (tears are actually welling up now, inhaled, exhaled, gone), I desperately want to have some reason to keep going. I want to understand why other people keep going.
[I mean I know if I paint a painting, I’ve painted a painting. If train for ten years at a martial art, I could become a black belt. If finish my degree I’ll become a doctor.
But I know what outcome will come from the next 10 years hard slog, so why do it? I’m not solving anything.]
*[in this bracket I realise I have run away from a possible conclusion, to bang my head against a seperate wall of despair, which will get me no-where]
I havent really made any points or asked any questions, but I would like to hear other people’s thoughts.