Does it ever happen to anyone that this shit just comes out of the blue? It does for me, every couple of months, weeks, for no reason, I just get this overwhelming desire to die. If I’m lucky, it only lasts a couple of weeks, but sometimes it goes on for months. It doesn’t matter what’s going on in my life, because at those times, nothing matters, all I can think of is just putting an end to myself. I walk by rivers, I think about drowning, I walk by trees, I think about hanging, I look at a knife, and there’s another sweet death for me. I mean, there’s nothing wrong with my life other than what I’ve created for myself, which is mostly shit. But sometimes I think that maybe I’ve just reached a limit, and the self-destruct switch has been activated–if only I could figure out how it works. I don’t know, it just sort of seems like I have no say in the matter. What’s a person to do?
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Absolutely. For me, it’s more spaed out than that. Personally, however, I don’t want it to end. I just want to have the courage to do myself in. Today, I took a big step. I’ve been making a right on my way home from work for weeks, but today I took a left and bought some duct tape, an integral part of my plan. Maybe, next time no one is around, I’ll finally be able to do it. But I know I won’t have the willpower. What is life, anyway? :'(
I used to feel that way. That if only I could muster up the courage to do myself in, that would solve everything. And it would, in a way. But lately I’m just pissed off. I don’t want to feel this way. A couple of weeks ago I was making plans about how I could finally get my life together, make changes, do something I really wanted to do. I felt good, optimistic even, then one morning I woke up crying and now I need all my energy just to hold myself together through work and life and the daily crap. It’s this crappy feeling that’s robbing me of my future, my present, even. And making life seem like one giant shitball. I don’t want to die, I’m just getting too tired to bother fighting for a life that keeps getting smaller and less desirable with every passing day. But fighting gives me something to do. And maybe someday I won’t feel like shit and be happy I’m still around. That’s about as positive as i can get these days. But it’s something. Is that helpful?
I guess so. Maybe a little. But I still feel … you know. I’m worried about my parents, family, and friends though. But then, if life is so empty, do they matter either? Aren’t we all just shells of cells that are mortal? I hate to sound so apathetic, but why should I care about another moving block of carbon, and for that matter, why should I care about myself?
I understand what you’re saying. I go through the same cycles. Sometimes slow and careful with weeks or months, but usually in a matter of days or hours.
As for you, Ross, I have to say you clearly don’t want to die. I mean maybe you think you do, but you’ve made sure to post on a suicide board about your intentions, in detail and multiple time. I’m not saying you’re a bad person. (Hell I’ve done the same things). I just figure there is no point sugarcoating things when the sugar just taste like shit. I just want to say I’m here. (and that I’m not one of those stupid robots who just hand out their email). Respond to this if you aren’t completely pissed at me… (or if you are, because I’m pretty pissed at myself for being so honest and scared as hell that you will turn out to be this big ass guy who will just beat the shit out of me… verbally)
I think you should try to get some help if you get those suicidal feelings out of nothing, but actually it can’t be out of nothing, there must be something that happens and triggers your suicidal feelings, I used to get those feelings like every 4 months or something, that was years ago, now I get them almost everyday and almost for nothing, but it’s not totally nothing, I mean I’m already too depressed that a small indirect insult or a bad joke can drive me crazy… seriously, even let’s say, seeing something that I hate, that would make me feel like I want to die right now…
e-mail me if you like to talk SuicideSeasonProject@live.com