worthless

October 13th, 2009by Mizzexclusive

man here i am feeling fuckin worthless i just spent a hundred dollars on bullshyt cocaine. my nose is stuffed and i am broke..i would have never bought that shyt but ym best friend is ranting on how she wanted it and i did too. it makes me mad becuz i know if i wasnt with her i probably wouldnt have bought it. im weak. i let that shyt take over me.while i was doing it i was enjoying it, dont get me wrong. but now look at me. no money stuffy nose.im fuckin sad man. its been 3 months since i did that shyt and the first time i get a decent amount of money i waste it on that. god has to be ashamed of me because i am ashamed of myself. i wish i could take it bak. constanly disapointing myself and making my own self feel worthless. i need any bit of money i have but the addiction has a knack of taking over. im thinking of rehab but those bitches probably get high they’re damn selves. this shyt is fucking outta control. i gotta stop gettin on coke man. its killing me. fuck. i hate this shyt. the boy i really liked disrespected me the other day and that shyt drove me insane. he kicked me out of his house and all. i hated it. he called me earlier and told me that he was sorry. he said that he didnt mean to disrespect me like that and not having me aorund made him realize that he needed me around. he doesnt know anything about this suicidal shyt but he also doesnt know how much that meant to me. i couldnt believe somebody would tell me that they couldnt go 2 days without me. i couldnt believe that he missed me. i dorve myself  insane for 2 days…not calling him or keepin any kind of contact becuz i was sure he didnt really have feelings for me. what if i went to far? what if i really tried to hurt myself? i was so depressed and lost it didnt make sense. i triedto psych myself out and say fuck him i dont need him…but missin him became unbearable….he calls…im shocked.he cares..wow man wow. maybe there is hope. i just want a dude i can run to whenever i feel these feelings and make it better jus with his presence. he has that capability and doesnt even know it. he can literally save my life jus by holding me., letting me know he’s there. i need him and i hope i dnt lose him. im falling in love with him and i hate it. i hate it becuz with my mindset i think of all the negative things that would happen if i ever lost him. its hard for me to embrace our time spent together becuz i hate who i am so much. i dont deserve him.but he cares for me. i wish i could expect a future with him but i cant. ive been hurt by every dude that came my way. thats why i expect that outcome with every dude that comes my way. fuck it.

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