man here i am feeling fuckin worthless i just spent a hundred dollars on bullshyt cocaine. my nose is stuffed and i am broke..i would have never bought that shyt but ym best friend is ranting on how she wanted it and i did too. it makes me mad becuz i know if i wasnt with her i probably wouldnt have bought it. im weak. i let that shyt take over me.while i was doing it i was enjoying it, dont get me wrong. but now look at me. no money stuffy nose.im fuckin sad man. its been 3 months since i did that shyt and the first time i get a decent amount of money i waste it on that. god has to be ashamed of me because i am ashamed of myself. i wish i could take it bak. constanly disapointing myself and making my own self feel worthless. i need any bit of money i have but the addiction has a knack of taking over. im thinking of rehab but those bitches probably get high they’re damn selves. this shyt is fucking outta control. i gotta stop gettin on coke man. its killing me. fuck. i hate this shyt. the boy i really liked disrespected me the other day and that shyt drove me insane. he kicked me out of his house and all. i hated it. he called me earlier and told me that he was sorry. he said that he didnt mean to disrespect me like that and not having me aorund made him realize that he needed me around. he doesnt know anything about this suicidal shyt but he also doesnt know how much that meant to me. i couldnt believe somebody would tell me that they couldnt go 2 days without me. i couldnt believe that he missed me. i dorve myself insane for 2 days…not calling him or keepin any kind of contact becuz i was sure he didnt really have feelings for me. what if i went to far? what if i really tried to hurt myself? i was so depressed and lost it didnt make sense. i triedto psych myself out and say fuck him i dont need him…but missin him became unbearable….he calls…im shocked.he cares..wow man wow. maybe there is hope. i just want a dude i can run to whenever i feel these feelings and make it better jus with his presence. he has that capability and doesnt even know it. he can literally save my life jus by holding me., letting me know he’s there. i need him and i hope i dnt lose him. im falling in love with him and i hate it. i hate it becuz with my mindset i think of all the negative things that would happen if i ever lost him. its hard for me to embrace our time spent together becuz i hate who i am so much. i dont deserve him.but he cares for me. i wish i could expect a future with him but i cant. ive been hurt by every dude that came my way. thats why i expect that outcome with every dude that comes my way. fuck it.
5 comments
Listen you don’t know how much you’re blessed to have such a person.
stop the drugs and shit, you have a good thing.,don’t fuck it up.
I discovered the man i love and got married to was a big lier. When we met he told me he left his old girlfriend because he fell in love with me and I was all to him. Today I find out she was the one to leave him and that he settled for me though he was still in love with her. It’s so crazy!! I’m so angry. I’m so hurt. I never asked him to be with me. He lied so much, over and over. I want to kill myself.
You two people dont realize that you have only yourself to blame when it comes to being hurt by your partners. You always end up “finding out” that they were cheating on you. If you had values, you would have chosen a man likewise, with values, and you would have built a relationship based on a profound understanding and feelings sharing. You would have developed that kind of intimacy that only takes place between intelligent, sensitive and pure people.
What you describe about “I am so in love with him” has absolutely nothing to do with love. You only have an emotional dependency on him, basically it is a selfish feeling that you associate with the source that provides you what you want, but not out of love. Love would have been the other way around, that you were willing to give out of yourselves all what is in you for the sake of making him happy.
So, the good thing about your letter is at least your bad feeling about your own situation. You have a good start now. You must go to rehab, because that really works. People there have the means to help you in all senses, plus, if you have a talk with your boyfriend and start planning the future in a responsible way, you have all the odds on your side to be happy.
well first he sounds like a nice guy and you need to learn to let him in and let him know how you feel but most important you need to quit doing coke my dad and mother were both addicted to it when i was born and it ruined my life and my child hood now here i am 17 and suicidal i vist my father every weekend who is now by the way an alcholic nothing has changed with him he still beats the shit out of me every time i go to see him and i still go back cause i love him coke ruined him it ruined my mom and my family and it ruined my child hood i have nothing to look back on now but i still have the future and you have it to do what you need to do to quit whether it be rehabe (thats how my uncle got clean) or just having this man in your life help you quit i have a child now i know i fucked up with that one 17 and have a kid with a 16 year old ive been through the whole drug thing myself because i thought it was “cool” cause it made me feel good i quit with the help of my girl friend if you need someone to talk to please dont hasstate to drop me a message my email is beneggs@hotmail.com
I just have some questions, for how long does a drug, any drug make you feel good? I really don’t know, I’ve never experienced drugs myself, but I helped a friend to quit smoking weed… now let me ask you something else, for how long do you feel like shit? I mean after the whole pleasure of that drug session is over… for how long you feel like shit? especially if you don’t have the money to buy much… that best friend who convinced you of buying drugs should not be even labeled as “friend” I mean what kind of friends just pushes you to hell?…
write me if you would like to talk about this
SuicideSeasonProject@live.com
the dude i claimed i liked or had feeling for in this passage is a joke. he doesnt really care about me and look how quickly my feelings towards him has changed. im going through a fairly tough time ryte now and i tried to turn to him for affection. he is getting bored with me and i know this. how? because he told me. i met somebody else and its like what the fuck??? why meet this dude only for him to turn me down in the long run. ive made a pact with myself never to but cocaine again becuz the high doesnt beat the feeling of being completely broke. man oh man.im in alot of trouble ryte now….im scared.