There’s something in the Bible about not killing yourself to make up for something, for that’s what Judas did, and apparently he is in hell. And while I believe hell is a myth to keep the masses in line, the doubt of just about everything is frightening.
I hate everything about my life. I hate all the people I know. I am trying to make new friends. Everyone I know disappoints and flakes, there’s so much of that going around today. And to make things worse, people are unapologetic about being dicks. I am just so tired of it. I am kind and thoughtful towards others, why can’t I attract those that are kind and thoughtful? Why must I always attract selfish pricks?
My whole life I have run. I feels good to take flight. To be repulsed. My ultimate act of repulsion would be suicide. To disappear and have everyone wonder.
I am in total and complete despair. No doubt about that. I do not want to “try” or “hang on” any longer. I have no fight left in me. I mean, I have plans for the next 6 to 10 months, plans to better myself, to get away from the festering fuck-hole of people I find myself surrounded by…but there’s a part of me that wants to quit trying and just disappear. Fuck everyone.