I hate this, I need help

  November 7th, 2009 by Sam1321

I dont know why I’m writing this, I’ve never done anything like this before but I’ve reached the end of some sort of coping point and I’m getting to the end of what I can manage with.

I’m 24 years old and I had an awful childhood. I’m ashamed and horrified by it to the point that I can’t bring myself to write on here exactly what happened, but then, the very nature of it does tend to shame its victims to silence.  I used to have counselling but I stopped going just because I couldn’t talk,i mean,the words just wouldnt come out. I recently wanted to start again but was told I’d have to go through the whole process again (visiting my doctor first, waiting to have someone assigned to me, etc) I feel like I’m being punished for not being able to speak out. I decided if I surrounded myself with people and things to do in my life id feel better but I don’t. Ive got such understanding friends but because they dont know the full extent of what ive dealt with they can’t help, I feel like im looking at life through glass and im never fully a part of it. Whenever people ask me if im alright I automatically say ‘im fine thanks’ when really inside im screaming ‘no im absolutely not!’ ive spent so long bottling it up its just impossible to me to vent. ever. Even reading this post back to myself it sounds so synthetic and textbook but I just cant express how I feel, these words sound like they’re coming from a mildly upset person but I’m really dying inside, i’m frustrated I want to scream. Oh god I really want to scream and swear and smash something. I understand why people in my situation choose not to continue on living with it, its too much of a burden. I’ve been having serious thoughts of suicide recently I need help. I need somebody to vent to, talk to, or just sit with. just somebody to know exactly how bad i feel. id be amazed if anyones still reading this post at this point, it reads like an instruction manual.

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