I dont know why I’m writing this, I’ve never done anything like this before but I’ve reached the end of some sort of coping point and I’m getting to the end of what I can manage with.
I’m 24 years old and I had an awful childhood. I’m ashamed and horrified by it to the point that I can’t bring myself to write on here exactly what happened, but then, the very nature of it does tend to shame its victims to silence. I used to have counselling but I stopped going just because I couldn’t talk,i mean,the words just wouldnt come out. I recently wanted to start again but was told I’d have to go through the whole process again (visiting my doctor first, waiting to have someone assigned to me, etc) I feel like I’m being punished for not being able to speak out. I decided if I surrounded myself with people and things to do in my life id feel better but I don’t. Ive got such understanding friends but because they dont know the full extent of what ive dealt with they can’t help, I feel like im looking at life through glass and im never fully a part of it. Whenever people ask me if im alright I automatically say ‘im fine thanks’ when really inside im screaming ‘no im absolutely not!’ ive spent so long bottling it up its just impossible to me to vent. ever. Even reading this post back to myself it sounds so synthetic and textbook but I just cant express how I feel, these words sound like they’re coming from a mildly upset person but I’m really dying inside, i’m frustrated I want to scream. Oh god I really want to scream and swear and smash something. I understand why people in my situation choose not to continue on living with it, its too much of a burden. I’ve been having serious thoughts of suicide recently I need help. I need somebody to vent to, talk to, or just sit with. just somebody to know exactly how bad i feel. id be amazed if anyones still reading this post at this point, it reads like an instruction manual.
7 comments
I feel the exact same way. I feel like I am trapped in something and no matter how hard I try I can’t ever communicate what I feel the way I feel it.
you can talk to me anytime im 14 years old and im going through the same thing. ive tried to kill myself about 4 times and recently took 100 aspirins. I cut, but im not goth.. we should talk
you can text me at 8605979651
Dear fellow life traveler,
I read your letter and felt the need to write you.
My childhood was also painful and I experienced much abandonment and tragedy from an extremely young age. My mother and sister both had serious
“mental illness” and I am like them in many ways. My mother died when she was the age I am now, early 40’s, and my sister took her own life at 24.
Two years after my sister’s suicide, when I was 24, I had my son and moved away from my hometown and family. I knew that I had to raise my son away from my family and out of the big city.
I feel that moving was as important for me as for my baby; the last thing a child needs on top of being a child is a dysfunctional extended family.
My son has just turned 20 and is as intense as my mother, sister and I but he has the advantage of knowing and trusting his own feeling; something I was robbed of as a child. This does not make his feelings any less intense but does allow him to work with them.
I put mental illness in parenthesis before because I no longer believe that these intense emotional feelings are necessarily an illness although they can take us away from our strong selves and into a danger zone if we have no tools to work with.
I understand that drugs work for many people but I do not take any for my emotions; instead I have chosen to face them head on and work with them.
This has meant much counseling and endless processing with friends who I am so thankful for. I also have learned to work with my thoughts using some buddhist techniques involving breath and thought control. Exercise, which for me is dance and hiking, saves my butt on a regular basis. I have to be aware all the time of where my thoughts are heading so I can keep myself moving forward and healthy.
I recently returned to the city I grew up in to care for my elderly and ailing father and am experiencing the most intense series of emotional wellings that I have ever had; they are as intense as childbirth and sometimes I feel that I will die from them. The only thing that keeps me from going off the deep end is my knowledge that I have the ability to work through these feelings and I have done so in the past and grown from the experience.
Being back with the man who raised me and who so greatly affected who I am today has been maddening. I feel love and hate towards him.
So much of my childhood is a blur and I think it is a good thing.
Anyway, my experiences here led me to this website and your letter.
I think we all have shame. So many of us are abused and abandoned in this life.
Your life is about you. Caring for you. That, I have come to learn is the first lesson. Don’t ever be afraid to tell your story. Writing it, speaking it, a hundred times if necessary. Tears feel good if you let them.
I can’t tell you how many pillows I’ve screamed into and how many tears I’ve shed. But as I grow older and have a deeper relationship with my own spirit I realize that there is nothing to be ashamed of. Ever.
Our stories, our lives and experiences make us and we are here for a reason.
That reason is not always apparent but it does appear if our eyes are open and when we get a glimpse of our truth we get to soar.
I hope this letter makes sense.
If there is any way I can help I am here to listen.
Be Well
P.S. you don’t sound like a manual.
well guess wat,,i read it from start to finish,
it did not bore me one bit,,
,,
if u need to tlk my email is suicidal.gothic.65@hotmail.com
i love to listen,, im understanding,, and il even share my stroy with you
Hello there, my alias is Phoung. Its a pleasure to meet you. At the end of my comment, i encourage you to come and talk to me. I will not judge you.
Well, normally, those who have had a bad child hood will often feel ashamed. So i can understand how you feel. 24 is still young age, so you still have all the time in the world to tell whomever wat you have to say.
And you aren’t being punished. At first you stopped because of how you weren’t progressing likeyou wanted. And when you went back, they told you that is just only procedure to do that. I encourage you to go back. Maybe there were somethings you missed in the beginning, or you never know, they may have a new method. You’ll never know unless you go at it again.
But this is very good, that you are willin to seek yourself help. That is a very nice big stepyou have taken. Friends will always be there to support you, be even if they dont understand fully. All they will have to offer is their support and sympathy. No one else will ever experiane your pain only because it is YOUR pain. We may offer the best of our empathies because we have been through what you have but no one will know YOUR pain. Everyone has their own pain and “pain tolerances”.
I check my emails daily, so if you want to vent-come and vent to me. if you want to yell-come an yell at me- if you just want to talk–come and talk to me. i encourage it.
silly.snowball@yahoo.com
oh, even instrucntion manuals and other text books have much to say; they are incripted with information that one must read to deceipher[understand].
Hey..i can relate with some of this. I totally suck with talking about my problem’s, i do better distracting myself by listening and helping with others..mabey we can talk sometime. If you want to talk you can add me to msn or email me at
a.f.i.afireinside@hotmail.com