I just dont care

I want to die.  I have wanted to die for a long time, years in fact.  I think about it everyday, I even have a way I want to go, in a fiery car crash, problem is there is no guarantee that I will die, and everytime I am ready, all I can think about is my kids, and how disappointed and sad they would be if I were gone.  Its gotten worse in the last year.  When I was 30 I thought I met my knight in shining armor, only to find out 8 years later that he sexually abused my girls while telling me how much he loved me and us and I thought he was telling the truth.  I have accepted the fact that I’ll never be happy, thats actually a huge weight off my chest coming to grips with that, no sense fighting for something that will never happen right?  I take sleeping pills at night that I get over the counter and drink vodka, I want to realize what it feels like to slip away, I want to feel that bliss that I’ll never wake up again, I’ll never hurt again, the pain will be gone.  You know what that pain is like, its like a tumor growing in your chest, it gets bigger every day even if you only think about it once.  It throbs against you and aches because its expanding and there is nothing you can do about it.  Pills do not help, unless they make you numb, but its so hard getting a doctor to give you something that makes you feel better when you can actually kill yourself with it.  I tried with pills once, I woke up two days later and my face was puffy and I felt horrible.  I get up in the morning and just stay in bed, maybe I’ll go out into the living room but not for long.  I dont want to go to therapy because I’m sick of crying, I cant afford it anyways.  No one knows how bad I feel, I dont answer phone calls, no one comes by, I dont ask for help, I’ve asked before, the Doctor gave me prozac, he still thinks I take it, but like I said it didnt help anyways.  I dont know when I’m going to kill myself, but I know that I will eventually, probably when im finally all alone, I hate the thought that I might live to be old, I cant live with this pain for that long, it consumes me.  I cant live like this for much longer.