I just want this feeling to go away..

I don’t think i’m supposed to feel this way. I’m only a fourteen year old girl, and i already hate life. So much has happened to me in the last two, maybe three years. And i don’t mean physically, i mean emotionally.

I guess it all started in seventh grade. I fell in love. I really did, and still am. I fell in love with this guy before i even knew his name! But of course, he never noticed me. In eighth grade, one of his close friends found out i liked him. So she decided to tell him. He thought it was cool i liked him, especially cause i was a grade above him. He told her to tell me to go talk to him, and we could be friends. But i was too much of a ***** to do it. After a while, she started bagging on him. She would come to class every day with a different story. Saying things like “he’s such a jerk”, “no one likes him”, “all he cares about is his sports, and himself”. Eventually i started believing all of her lies. Until it came to me. She was only bagging on him because she liked him too. She herself told me that she rarely talked to him. Until i told her that i liked him. It’s as if once she found out i liked him, she got jealous that he could’ve liked me back; so she turned  me against him. By bagging on him. I got tired of it eventually and told her i didn’t like him; luckily, she believed me. She stopped bagging on him. She stopped talking to me. But he never slipped my mind. I moved on to high school knowing that  i wouldn’t see him for a year. at first i was glad. i looked at this as a good thing. as maybe, just maybe, he would FINALLY leave my mind. but no. it seemed like every day just got slower. nothing made sense anymore. every time i tried to like another guy, HE always came to my head. every single time i saw a guy and said he’s cute, HE came back to me. he never left. he was just always…there.

over the summer, my father lost his job. we were falling behind on bill payments. i couldn’t buy anything because we never had any money. i hated seeing my parents struggle with paying bills. i tried not to worry about it, but that only made it worse. it made me wonder. “what if we lost our house? what if we couldn’t pay any more bills, and the government decided us to kick us out of the house? where would we go? what would we do?” it scared me so much. my parents frequently fought because of money shortages. i didn’t want them to get a divorce, especially not during this stupid money crisis. i could no longer take this. i already had this stupid boy to worry about, plus i was a teenager going into high school. you know how high school works. if you don’t have the “right body” people judge you. and now i had added my parents financial problems to the weight on my shoulders. i couldn’t take it. it killed me. so, i began cutting. not so much though. in fact, i rarely did it.

the summer previous to high school, i developed a really close friendship. he was the one guy i could tell anything to. i looked up to him. he was like the older brother i never had. every time i was upset, i talked to him, and he made me feel better. he promised me he’d always be there to take care of me. he said he’d always watch out for me. but once high school came around, he started screwing up. he got into fights frequently, always getting suspended, he was failing half of his classes, and he’d started smoking weed again. i tried talking him out of it. but it never worked. he asked me to stay out of it, to stay out of his life. it tore me to pieces. i felt horrible. i wanted to talk to someone, but i thought; “who am i supposed to talk to about my problems, or my feelings, when the person who i normally talk to, is the person hurting me?” when i realized there was no one i could talk to, i began cutting again. only this time, it was worse. not TOO worse, but worse than last time; that’s for sure. a few weeks later, devin was sent to an alternative education program because of his behavior. he’s there until january 11th. and until then, i won’t ever be the same. when i found out he was leaving, i cut even more.

now, everyone who’s been to high school, knows what you have to deal with. you have those preppy skinny girls that every guy likes. the ones with the perfect smile, perfect body, perfect hair, perfect everything. all the guys want them; and all the girls wanna be like them. we all have those types of girls, right? we all know who i’m talking about. now, i know i’m fat. i can tell you that much. i don’t need super pretty, super skinny girls telling me i’m fat. i don’t want that. i know i’m fat, thank you very much. but when a GUY tells you that. it hurts even more.  i wrote this on the day he told me: “November 16, 2009- yesterday i commented my friends’ status calling guys dickfaces. Later, this guy commented telling me to go eat a salad before i talked shit. I told him i already knew i was fat, and that i didn’t need him to tell me so. I didn’t let it bother me. But that night, i went to my room. I cut myself a few seven or eight times. I watched the blood slide off my arm and began to cry. Wiping the blood away, i laid in bed and cried myself to sleep.” it hurt me so bad. it hurt to the point where, all i wanted to do was cry. and that’s exactly what i did. i cried. i cried until i couldn’t cry anymore. i cut my arm so much. i cut until all you saw was lines of blood up and down my arm. i cut until i started shaking. i felt horrible. but i pulled my act together, and went to school the next morning. you could tell in my eyes that i’d been crying. my friends could tell that something was wrong. after wearing hoodies, and long sleeved shirts for three straight weeks; wouldn’t you begin to wonder? they all knew something was wrong. everyone knew. my parents even knew. but nobody asked. nobody ever asked me what was wrong. nobody ever asked me how i felt, or how i was doing. nothing. they just smiled, waited for me to “smile” back, and walked away. and if they asked what was wrong, all i said was nothing. or “how’re you doing?” “fine.” but they knew i was lying. they knew it. you could see it in my eyes.i started thinking that the reason why no one asked me, was because no one cared. so, once again, i cut and cried. i looked into the mirror and cried.

i started noticing that over the past few weeks, i cut more, i cried more, and i started developing a sleeping disorder; as well as an eating disorder. i couldn’t sleep. it took me hours to fall asleep; even on school nights. i was up til 2, sometimes 3 in the morning. i woke up for school at 6:30. that was roughly, 3-4 hours of sleep. not even that. some nights i’d wake up in the middle of the night crying, and wouldn’t fall asleep for another few minutes. other times i’d lay in bed, thinking, crying, wondering. my eating habits started changing. i woke up every morning, and left for school. i skipped lunch at school. once i got home, i drank a bottle of water. when dinner time i came around, i simply used the excuse; “oh, i’m still pretty full from lunch. i’ll eat later.” my parents believed me. but i didn’t eat at lunch. i didn’t eat later, either. i just drank water all day. but my mom started noticing. she noticed that i didn’t eat, and that i had lost weight; my face was always so pale now. i was constantly weak, and i always had an excuse to not eat. my friends started noticing all these things as well. when we made plans to hang out, i always had an excuse not to go. i had plans, or i was busy. it was always something different.

now, i’m currently to the point where i cut all the time. just because i’m upset, all the time. i always feel so gloomy, so down in the dumps. i feel worthless. like i’m not good for anyone anymore. i start realizing who i really am. i’m a teenage girl.  a teenage girl who nobody likes. a teenage girl who’s never had a boyfriend. who’s never kissed a guy before. who’s never felt comfortable with herself. i am a teenage girl who hates life. basically; i’m that girl that everyone is friends with because i’m always so happy and make jokes, when on the inside i’m about to break into a billion little pieces.

i am now convinced that i have depression, insomnia, self-injury disorder, and an eating disorder. I’ve researched on all of those, and i have/had all the symptoms&signs. i’m terribly afraid to tell this to my parents. i’m afraid that because i’m always acting like a little kid and always joking around; they won’t take me serious. i’m afraid they’ll think i’m just crazy. i’m afraid they won’t care. just as everyone else always has.